


if you're on the water

by travelingsymphony



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Character Study, Dealing With Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Destruction, Self-Discovery, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, duckie is just having a hard time, mark lee good boy agenda rise, we love supportive friends and family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:55:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 55,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23728657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/travelingsymphony/pseuds/travelingsymphony
Summary: You know you don’t have to do this,Jaemin’s words rip through Donghyuck’s head like this is the first time he is hearing them. Maybe it is.But Donghyuck looks outside the glass doors and sees stupid fucking Mark leaning against the passager side of the car, aimlessly scrolling through his phone and wearing the grungey orange beanie Donghyuck bought him for his birthday. And Donghyuck’s heart aches at the sight of his boyfriend for some reason.It’s just Mark.(Or, Donghyuck’s past relationships are sort of starting to ruin his life. Well, more than they already have).
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Original Character(s)
Comments: 140
Kudos: 579
Collections: Markhyuck, My Favorite Fics





	1. if you're on the water; beware

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so as a reader i have always enjoyed going into stories knowing as little as possible. however, with the topic at hand i know as an author that i should be very specific with my tags and warnings.
> 
> first thing i want to address is that all of these characters are just characters. i want it to be very clear that i don’t view these people in any way portrayed in this story as if this were their reality (if that makes sense) and that they are simply here for plotline sake.
> 
> secondly, all the OCs are just that. none of the names used are correlated with other idols.
> 
> thirdly, i will put down specific warnings for each section at the end of the beginning author’s notes. 
> 
> fourthly, if there are any tags or warnings that i missed that you think should be stated please let me know. i want to make sure this story doesn’t cause unnecessary harm to any of the readers.
> 
> fifthly (and finally), no non-con happens between donghyuck and mark... just wanted to put that out there that the rape/non-con tag is specifically for donghyuck's past relationships. 
> 
> and… i think that is it! uh, this story is very personal and i hope that you guys enjoy it even though the plot and themes mentioned are generally upsetting. please let me know what you think (i’m a little over halfway done writing the story) and would love to hear your ideas, thoughts, etc.!
> 
>  **section warnings:** donghyuck puts himself in an uncomfortable sexual situation with mark and has a panic attack.

  


  


Jaemin is leaning against the door as Donghyuck opens it to leave. His overnight bag sits heavy on his shoulder, but that is simply because Donghyuck decided that he wanted his own blanket for the night. 

And maybe, just maybe, he shoved every pair of pajamas he owns in it at the last second. 

“You know you don’t have to do this.” Jaemin’s voice is soft and quiet, Donghyuck wants to believe it’s because he doesn’t want to piss off Jeno and Renjun who have been binge watching the Walking Dead intensely for the past ten hours. 

But truly, it’s just because Jaemin is a good fucking person (and an even better friend, but you didn’t hear that from Donghyuck).

“Do you think I would be going over if I was forced to?” Donghyuck laughs lightly, but it comes out choppy and unsure. “Come on, you know me. I never do what I don’t want to.”

Jaemin is silent before snorting; he rubs a hand down his face and holds his hand over his mouth for a moment. The words sat in the air long enough for Donghyuck to realize what he said, but he pretends that it didn’t process in his mind. Easier to let that one go for the time being. 

“Just, I don’t know, text me if you— when you’re… well you know, done?” 

“I’m not going to text you after I slept with him.”

“Oh after? So it is happening. You have condoms right? And lube? I swear to God Duckie if you try to bareback the first time—” Jaemin pushes himself off the door in a rush causing Donghyuck to roll his eyes. He starts looking through Donghyuck’s bag; the older swats his friend away. 

Remember when Donghyuck said Jaemin was a great friend? He takes that back now indefinitely. 

“Jaemin.” Donghyuck grabs his hand and pulls the other hand up to hold both of them tightly. He looks his friend dead in the eyes with a sense of seriousness they rarely (read: rarely) hold. Jaemin’s face has the same look, but mixed with blatant worry that Donghyuck chooses to ignore. 

“I’m going to be okay.”

Jaemin squeezes his hands back, there is a shaky smile on his face but Donghyuck appreciates it nevertheless. Instead of saying anything, which had to take a lot of effort for Jaemin not to do, he nods his head. 

Donghyuck lets go of Jaemin’s hands and takes in a deep breath. Donghyuck pushes his hair back before moving his hand to the door handle. 

He opens the door and exits in a quick fashion, but before it can close, he turns back to see Jaemin standing with one arm wrapped around his waist. Donghyuck can hear brief calls of _‘bye bitch’_ and _‘don’t get a STD’_ from both Jeno and Renjun; classy as always.

“Be careful Duckie.” Jaemin mouths and Donghyuck swallows before mouthing back: _I will._

And honestly, Donghyuck won’t have to be careful, but he will be anyway. He doesn’t really get the choice to be care-free like he used to be, and he has made his peace with that for the most part. 

Jaemin shuts the door, leaving Donghyuck in the hallway of his apartment building all alone. He stands there for a moment until his phone vibrates to life, making him jump slightly. 

He shakes his head at himself then pulls out his phone and he can’t help, but smile at the brightly lit screen (fucking cheesy ass). 

**From: mark lee (aka loml)**  
20:34: I’m parked out front :D

Donghyuck types back a quick response (walking down right now!!!) while gnawing on his lip, tearing off the dead skin that his lips always seem to have no matter how much chapstick he uses. 

Somehow Donghyuck is able to get his feet moving. He walks calmly to the elevators and pushes the button to go down. Donghyuck holds his phone in one hand and the other is wrapped around his bag’s shoulder strap to keep both of them from shaking. 

_There’s nothing to worry about, it’s just Mark,_ he tells himself when he enters the elevator.

There is another man (student, let’s be honest this apartment complex is just a glorified dorm) standing in the middle of the elevator with Donghyuck. He looks up from his phone to give Donghyuck a smile and moves to the side. 

That doesn’t stop Donghyuck from pushing himself into the nearest back corner, but it’s the thought that counts right? 

The man lets Donghyuck leave the elevator first and he bows quickly in thanks before scurrying off. Donghyuck turns his head around for a second to see the man exited from the door opposite of him and sighs. 

Turning his head back around, Donghyuck continues to walk through the lobby and office. When he gets to the double doors, he stops suddenly in his tracks. 

_You know you don’t have to do this,_ Jaemin’s words rip through Donghyuck’s head like this is the first time he is hearing them. Maybe it is. 

But Donghyuck looks outside the glass doors and sees stupid fucking Mark leaning against the passager side of the car, aimlessly scrolling through his phone and wearing the grungey orange beanie Donghyuck bought him for his birthday. And Donghyuck’s heart aches at the sight of his boyfriend for some reason. 

_It’s just Mark._

Donghyuck opens the door and Mark looks up from his phone, clearly wanting to see the younger the second he can. He smiles at Donghyuck with a sleepy look and his heart clenches. 

“Hey Duckie.” Mark says and opens his arms for a hug. Donghyuck picks up his speed and crashes into the warmth that is Mark Lee: certified bitch, but Donghyuck’s bitch so it’s okay.

“Hi.” Donghyuck mumbles into Mark’s sweatshirt. Honestly, Donghyuck feels slightly overdressed in his jeans and sweater while Mark is in a pair of joggers. But Donghyuck lets it slide because he is wearing his glasses that make him look so incredibly cute that it’s gross. 

Mark pulls away and kisses Donghyuck’s cheek, causing him to go pink in one part embarrassment and two parts so fucking in love. 

“God, it’s so fucking cold out. Get in the car.” Mark laughs against Donghyuck’s cheek and pats the younger on the ass to move him to the door. 

And like the Gentleman (he has it trademarked) Mark is, he opens the door for Donghyuck and it pisses him off on how much that makes his heart swoon. Who knew bare minimum was his preference?

Donghyuck buckles himself in as Mark runs to the driver’s side of the car. Man throws himself in and turns on the car in a fury simply to turn the heat on to full blast even though Mark only lives at max five minutes away from the younger. 

Mark asks how Donghyuck’s Saturday has been going which opens a dam up in the younger about how annoying his roommates are when he wants to do homework over weekends. 

Donghyuck is still ranting about Renjun and Jeno’s TV marathon getting in the way of his studying when Mark pulls into his parking lot. He parks the car and turns to look at Donghyuck who is, of course, using his hand gestures to clearly show how ‘angry’ he was. 

The younger lets Mark do this and pretends like he doesn’t notice, but he notices. One, because Mark isn’t smooth at all, and two, because it causes Donghyuck’s words to start getting stuck in his throat. 

Donghyuck remembers where he is and what he is doing. This isn’t the normal lunch dates Mark and he have every Tuesday and Thursday between lectures. This isn’t the coffee outing on Monday mornings when Donghyuck has a 8AM and Mark pretends he likes waking up early in the morning. 

This is Donghyuck staying the night for the first time at his boyfriend’s apartment because his roommate went back home for the weekend. This is Donghyuck finally not putting Mark off like he has the last month anytime the older has asked if he wanted to come over. 

_You know you don’t have to do this,_ Jaemin said and Donghyuck knows he is right, but well, he has to at some point. Donghyuck can’t put it off forever, and it’s Mark. 

Donghyuck is sort of in love with Mark so it’ll be fine, it’ll be okay. Mark will take care of him, he knows this. 

He knows this, and— 

“Hey, you good?” Mark asks and Donghyuck is brought out of his head and into reality. He didn’t even realize he left in the first place. 

“Oh yeah, sorry. Uh, just lost my train of thought.” Donghyuck doesn’t know what to do so he just laughs softly and smiles. It seems to look good enough to Mark because he joins in. 

“Hate it when that happens.” He responds and Donghyuck just nods his head in agreement, he hates it too. 

Donghyuck follows Mark closely after they get out of the car. He has to remind the older one to lock the vehicle which makes Mark go bright red (bright enough for Donghyuck to see the color on his face even in the dark) in embarrassment as he pushes his keys to lock it twenty times over. 

Mark asks if he can hold Donghyuck’s bag and the younger gives it to him with semi-willing hands. They make it inside of the apartment lobby in no time and take the stairs to the second story. 

“God, you are so lucky that you have a penthouse. I hate hearing the people above me walk around like they have Goddamn tap shoes on or something.” Mark complains while unlocking his front door. Donghyuck laughs at the statement, but stops when he enters the apartment. 

“Holy shit, this is so nice?” Donghyuck’s voice is at least two octaves higher than it usually is, but oh my God? What the fuck?

“Uh, thanks?” Mark responds like he has never been given a compliment before. Donghyuck snorts at his lackluster response. 

The apartment for one is fucking huge for only having two (2) people live here. It has a full kitchen and a spacious living room that makes Donghyuck’s look like a fucking shoebox. The idea that this is only half the apartment and there are two bedrooms he can’t even see is making Donghyuck’s wallet cry. How Mark affords it, only God knows. 

“I’m gonna put your bag in my room. I was thinking we could watch some movies out here because I don’t have a TV in the bedroom.” Mark says offhandedly while walking away to one of the three mystery doors. 

“Bathroom door is on the far right,” Mark points out. “Oh! Do you wanna get changed into something more comfortable before we turn on the TV?”

This lights a figurative fire under Donghyuck’s ass who has already made a home on the extremely comfortable couch. He swears he could get a better night’s sleep on this couch than he can get in his own bed. 

But a pair of sweatpants would be nice right now. As much as Donghyuck likes his jeans, they aren’t really what he wants to wear right now even though they do have a belt. So he takes Mark’s offer to change. 

Before Donghyuck grabs his overnight bag from Mark, he finally gives the older one a light kiss. He mumbles: _I’ll be right back,_ against the other’s lips and glances up with tinted eyes that he hopes show something Mark wants. 

Mark shakly laughs and pushes Donghyuck into his bedroom then closes the door for him with a click. This leaves Donghyuck in the dark of his boyfriend’s bedroom for the first time. 

_And I’m not thinking about it, nope,_ Donghyuck walks forward and turns on the bedside lamp. He doesn’t bother with the overhead light just because it’s already so peaceful without it. And artificial light doesn’t do Donghyuck’s features any favors. 

Donghyuck opens his bag and digs out all his clothes. He is thankful that he did finally decide to bring his whole ass selection of clothes because he finds a pair of baby blue shorts that he hasn’t worn in a while. 

The shorts are made out of that faux silk that is soft to the touch and more or less super fucking flattering. So he goes with those and an oversized shirt. Real simple, real nice, real comfortable. 

_Real easy to take off._

Donghyuck unbuckles his belt. The metal klinks against his rings and Donghyuck releases a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. His jeans slip off with little effort due to him losing weight like he usually does during the winter months. 

As soon as his jeans are off, his shorts are on. Donghyuck wastes no time taking his sweater off and putting his soft sleep shirt on. Once he is dressed, he folds his clothes in a clean fashion and searches for a pair of fuzzy socks he just knows he packed. 

So caught up in searching for those damn socks, Donghyuck doesn’t notice the door open and Mark walking in from behind. Not until the older drapes himself over the younger, causing Donghyuck to startle with a loud gasp. 

“What the fuck Mark?” Donghyuck turns around and slaps him on the chest, making Mark laugh like the asshole he is. 

“Wanted to see what was taking you so long.” Mark smirks and Donghyuck’s heart jumps up, getting stuck in his throat. 

He’s seen those eyes before, but he can’t put his finger on it. Not yet at least. 

“I want my warm socks, my feet are cold.” Donghyuck pouts, but he can feel his lips tremble. 

Mark doesn’t seem to notice because he takes this as an opportunity to plant a soft kiss against them. Donghyuck keeps his eyes open for a moment, but let’s them fall close as the older moves languidly. 

The hand that hit Mark against the chest (lightly, he promises) is now grasping at his sweatshirt, the material soft against his fingertips, and Donghyuck can feel one of Mark’s arms wrap around his waist. 

And the kiss is nice. This isn’t the first time Donghyuck has ever kissed Mark, he’s kissed Mark a lot, really. But you know, this one feels different. This one feels more important, substantial even. 

It almost feels like this kiss is the make or break for them. 

Mark pulls back and Donghyuck can’t make eye contact, his head already racing through a war of emotions that seem quite counterproductive. The older one tilts his head down to force some eye contact and Donghyuck allows it for the time being. 

“You know,” Mark starts to wrap both arms around Donghyuck, pulling him close enough to feel Mark’s heartbeat against his chest. “There are other ways to get warm that don’t require socks.”

Silence wraps around both of them, except for the cricket that chirps once in the background. 

“God, that was awful.” Donghyuck sputters out with a true laugh. Mark rolls his eyes, but his hold doesn’t loosen. 

“I’m trying my hardest.” Mark whines (certified bitch remember?) into the side of Donghyuck’s neck, the warm puff of air tickling his throat. Donghyuck brings a hand up to stroke Mark’s soft hair, oh when did he lose the beanie?

But before Donghyuck can ask that, he feels something warm placed on his collarbone and realizes that it’s Mark and his Goddamn lips, so he swallows down his words. 

Mark is very gentle, he always has been. He carefully holds Donghyuck’s hand, carefully moves his hair out of his face, carefully hugs him goodbye; it’s always careful with Mark and this is no different. 

However, there is something behind this carefulness and Donghyuck can’t pinpoint it. Maybe it’s in the way how Mark’s lips caress his skin like butterfly wings, but how suddenly Mark changes that when his mouth actually opens to bite. 

There’s hunger in Mark’s touch and Donghyuck already feels like he is losing his mind. And he can’t decide if that’s good or bad yet. 

Donghyuck shutters against him when Mark’s tongue just barely brushes his skin. The younger can feel his knuckles crack at the tension he holds the sweatshirt. 

It feels nice, not exactly new, but it is definitely attention Donghyuck hasn’t received in a while. Mark moves from his collarbone, nose trancing a path on the younger’s neck. He places another kiss behind Donghyuck’s ear.

“Let’s move to the bed yeah?” His mouth lines Donghyuck’s ear and he can only nod his head as his brain starts swirling in underlying thoughts. 

Before Mark can place Donghyuck on the bed, he finally remembers how to speak. 

“Can I— uh, can I sit on your lap.” Donghyuck whispers quickly while brushing Mark’s bangs from his face. Mark smiles (per usual) and sits on the bed first, leaving Donghyuck standing even though he feels like he is drowning. 

He pats his lap and Donghyuck, well, he wants to say crawls, but more like pounces on Mark. Donghyuck isn’t one to move fast in literally any way, but there is a fire in his chest and he is afraid that the flame is going to go out before he has the chance to do anything. 

Mark gets a lapful of Donghyuck and before he can get a word out, Donghyuck’s mouth is on his within milliseconds. 

The younger opens his mouth quickly, prodding Mark’s and deepening the kiss before he thinks about backing away. During all of this, where Donghyuck’s head should be silent and just enjoying the feeling of Mark surrounding him, his mind is anything but.

_This is nice, this is nice, you like this, you like Mark, this is nice, this is fine—_

And Donghyuck huffs, mostly at himself. He pushes his hands into Mark’s hair and tugs lightly at the dark strands, it forces Mark’s mouth just wide enough for him to lick up at the roof of his mouth causing the older one to moan at the feeling. 

It’s almost like Donghyuck forgot the other had hands because suddenly they are everywhere. Mark places one on his waist again, but reaches for the hem of his shirt, moving it up to touch his bare skin. Donghyuck shivers at the contact, but he swears it is because Mark’s hand is cold. 

His hand moves to Donghyuck’s back and presses it flush against his hot skin. The younger is pushed farther into Mark’s embrace and he can feel the outline of Mark’s dick against his thigh. 

Mark moans into his mouth and rocks against Donghyuck again causing the younger to let out a shattered noise. The room is so quiet that he can only hear Mark’s voice twinkle in the air along with all the blood rushing to his head. 

He let’s Mark set a rhythm and blindly follows. He keeps his eyes closed until he feels Mark’s other hand go under his shirt as well and moves his thumb to brush against his nipple.

Donghyuck freezes under the touch and Mark certainly can feel it because he opens his eyes to look into Donghyuck’s.

“Is this okay?” Mark asks and Donghyuck can really tell that he is asking because he cares, not because he feels obligated to. Because there is a difference, a big one. 

“Yeah.”

And Donghyuck distracts himself by kissing Mark again, but there is underlying hunger in his actions now too. Mark seems hesitant to continue as he lightly licks back into Donghyuck’s mouth. The younger moves one hand from Mark’s hair and pushes the other’s hand under his shirt to continue.

This seems to be the right answer because Mark rubs his thumb down on his nipple causing the younger to groan against his lips and grind down on Mark’s lap. And honestly that kick starts everything. 

Because Donghyuck is flipped on his back and Mark is crawling up on him before he can even speak. He takes in a deep breath and clenches his eyes together. Donghyuck focuses on the heat of Mark’s body and the thigh that is parting his legs that is most definitely trying to get him hard (but he just, can’t).

Mark is pushing Donghyuck’s shirt up, but let’s it rest on his collarbones before he rests his forehead against Donghyuck’s chest. His tongue pokes out to lick at his nipple which causes Donghyuck’s eyes to open wide. 

He grasps at Mark’s hair and tugs harder this time; he isn’t sure if it’s to get Mark off or spur him on. One hand moves down to grab Donghyuck’s hip bone, the other gripping on the inside of his thigh. He trances against Donghyuck’s skin and he feels so hot and, and— 

Mark’s hand dips under his shorts and everything falls apart. 

_You know you don’t have to do this,_ Jaemin says, but Donghyuck’s head just screams back: _but I do, don’t I? If I want to keep him around._

_Mark can’t leave, this makes him feel good. I can do this, I can do it for Mark, I can keep him, I can want him. It’s just Mark,_ his brain is so fucking loud and Donghyuck wants to cover his own ears to get away from the wailing. 

_It’s just Mark so why am I so scared?_

“Hey Duckie, that’s it. Come on baby, back with me now.” Mark’s voice coos and Donghyuck feels a rush of air enter his lungs. It all happens so fast that he wants to choke. 

Mark isn’t on top of him anymore, but resting to the side of him. Both of Mark’s hands are on Donghyuck’s cheeks and God when did he start crying? He hasn’t cried in ages. 

Donghyuck sniffles and pushes some of his tears away with the back of his hand. He notices that his shirt had been pulled down and it looks like his blanket from home is wrapped around him. 

Mark grins, but he looks so lost that it almost scares Donghyuck. He can tell Mark is searching for something, anything, in Donghyuck’s facial expression to give him an answer on why he just had a breakdown.

But Donghyuck has always been hard to read, maybe for good reason. 

“I’m sorry.” Donghyuck whispers. He brings a hand up to press Mark’s hand that is still holding his cheek into his skin. He doesn’t want Mark to go; he doesn’t want Mark to leave. 

But he also doesn’t want Mark to ask any questions. 

And it’s like Mark can read his mind because he doesn’t even try to ask Donghyuck what the hell just happened. But he is reluctant to pull Donghyuck into his chest like he so often does so the younger does it himself.

Donghyuck pushes his way into Mark’s arms, head resting against his chest and rubbing his cheek against the sweatshirt. Mark slowly, so slowly, moves to wrap his arms around him, but when he finally does, Donghyuck sighs into the feeling of relaxation. 

Donghyuck apologizes again because he doesn’t know what to say, but Mark just shushes him. They stay like this for a bit, could have been ten minutes or ten hours. But at some point Mark asks Donghyuck if he still wants to watch a movie. 

“No, I think— I think I’m good,” Donghyuck responds and feels Mark nods his head. “I think I just want to go to bed.”

So Mark untangles himself from Donghyuck and starts to get ready for bed. He doesn’t make a comment on how the younger is refusing to leave bed even though he hasn’t brushed his teeth yet; and again, Donghyuck is grateful. 

He plants a kiss on Donghyuck’s forehead before going into the bathroom. As soon as Mark is out of the room, Donghyuck rushes to get his phone from the nightstand. He pulls up his text messages and scrambles to send something to Jaemin like the pussy he is. 

**To: mom 2.0**  
21:54: i couldn’t do it. 

Donghyuck puts his phone under his pillow when the door opens. Mark comes in with a freshly washed face and his hair slightly damp from his fast efforts to get somewhat clean. And if Mark was hard (which he was), there is no sign of it now. 

Mark turns off the bedside lamp and gets into bed on the side that is next to the wall, remembering how hot Donghyuck naturally gets (except his feet). Donghyuck is thankful for this and kisses Mark softly as a thanks. 

Mark seems to be the one that flinches at that, and well. Donghyuck hurts a little at the action. 

_This is all my fault._

“Goodnight Duckie.” Mark’s voice lingers in the dark and Donghyuck holds on to it for dear life. 

“Night Mark.”

Donghyuck lays his head on top of Mark’s chest for the first ten minutes of silence. He listens to the cars drive past the apartment complex and hopes that will lull him to sleep while being embraced by Mark. 

But of course it doesn’t, so he untangles himself from the older one and turns away to face the other direction. He can feel Mark do the same and it hurts more than it should. 

And Donghyuck doesn’t sleep at all, but the worst part is that he thinks Mark isn’t sleeping either. 

**From: mom 2.0**  
22:07: ):  
22:09: it’ll be alright. it’ll all be okay.

  


  


There has always been a certain way Donghyuck has wanted the world to see him as. Which isn’t shocking because most people put up a front for the outside world to see.

However, Donghyuck thinks about how he’s taken it a little too far. 

“So Mark wasn’t good enough to take your virginity huh?” Renjun mutters around all the pizza that is currently shoved into his mouth. 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes at the statement and takes a bite out of his own piece. Jaemin, however, shoves Renjun and squawks at him about the disrespect he has to even dare utter those words out loud.

 _Well everyone is thinking it so._

He takes a sip from his soda and swallows down the food. Donghyuck wipes his face with a napkin before shrugging his shoulders.

“It just didn’t feel right.” He says and Renjun scoffs. Jaemin again looks like he is ready to throw their friend off a bridge, but he knows deep down that Renjun doesn’t know better. Jeno, who is also scarfing down food with them, has taken the better route of staying quiet. 

“Bruh it’s never going to feel right, you just have to go for it. You are fucking 20 now, you’ll never lose it if you don’t ever try.” Renjun mutters and Jeno sort of nods his head in agreeance. 

“Weren’t you the one who swore up and down that virginity is a social construct literally a week ago?” Jaemin mutters before taking a sip from his own drink. 

“Yes, and Duckie needs to get laid. It’s been a year since that last asshole and we all like Mark unlike that other dick.”

Donghyuck tries to not stiffen at the mention of his last boyfriend; instead, he shoves his crust in his mouth and chews away his worries. Luckily no one seems to notice, just Jaemin, but that’s because he always does.

“God I hated that guy, what a jackass for never telling you he vaped until he did it straight in your face. So fucking nasty.” Jeno swears and Donghyuck laughs at that. Not at the memory that Jeno just brought up that will most likely keep him up tonight, but at the effort Jeno put into hating his ex. 

“Taehyeong was such an ass at our family dinner. I could make better conversation with a brick fucking wall.” Renjun says and even Jaemin nods his head at that. 

And honestly, they were being nice right now. That dinner was straight up awful and Donghyuck wanted to crawl into the floorboards when his boyfriend just scrolled through his phone instead of talking to the most important people in Donghyuck’s life. 

It made Donghyuck sick when he had the audacity to say dinner ‘went well’ after Renjun insulted him and he didn’t even notice. 

That dinner still makes Donghyuck’s skin crawl to this day. 

“When’s Mark coming back around? I want to play on his Switch again.” Jeno whines, but before Donghyuck can say anything Renjun butts in. 

“Mark is so much cooler than the last one. Don’t let him slip through your fingers just because the moment isn’t right.” 

Donghyuck twitches at the statement and he knows it is slightly visible because Renjun shuts his mouth real quick. He can see the other trying to figure out a way to apologize, but Donghyuck just puts a hand up. 

“It’s fine, don’t even think about it.” Donghyuck says, then picks up his empty plate and dirtied napkin. He does have a class to go to so he pulls up his backpack onto his shoulder and makes his leave. 

He hears a thwack behind him and Renjun whines at Jaemin for hitting him on the back of his head. Most days Donghyuck wouldn’t be so touchy on the subject and would continually remind himself: _can’t get angry at what they don’t know,_ but he hasn’t been sleeping since being at Mark’s and it’s been a week. 

A whole week since Donghyuck ruined any chance of having a normal relationship with Mark. 

The worst part of it is that nothing has really changed? Well at least not dramatically. 

Donghyuck can see Mark holding back and now that his actions are on the forefront of his mind, Donghyuck realizes Mark has always been holding back. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes Donghyuck out to be a wounded animal. 

And it all starts with the way Donghyuck presents himself to the public. 

Donghyuck wasn’t always the ‘take no shit’ type of person, actually when he was a kid he was very quiet and timid. But one thing that Donghyuck has always been is a people pleaser. He was always the teacher’s pet, did extra work when asked and beamed when he got gold stars on his work. 

But like any kid, he got bullied. It wasn’t anything traumatizing (okay it was when he was 12, but again he is 20 now); however, it made him have a certain new level of distress to men. And being gay and all, that sort of hurt his chances of having a crush. 

Not like Donghyuck didn’t have crushes, Donghyuck probably had too many. He was always the type of person to fall in love with a stranger or if someone gave him a warm enough smile. Don’t take this in the wrong way though, Donghyuck wasn’t _easy._

It’s just that everyone thought he was, or is, he guesses. 

And Donghyuck knows that Mark doesn’t see him as easy because Donghyuck was anything but at the beginning of their relationship. The younger is the type of flirter that pulls on their crush’s hair and insults them until he feels like he went too far. 

Donghyuck bullied Mark to death when he first met the older and he took it in stride. Honestly, he always thought Mark was too attractive for his own good so he had to make sure he would be humbled a bit first before their first date. 

Now looking back on it, it’s like Mark read Donghyuck like an open book. He let the younger curse at him like nobody's business, take his glasses off his nose and wear them, take his food, and even take his money (sometimes) for a snack. 

Mark let Donghyuck do whatever he wanted because he was willing to wait and see what Donghyuck truly offered. Because Donghyuck under all of his personas wasn’t a brat, awfully loud, rude, or distant. 

Sadly, Donghyuck is easily comparable to Shrek (thanks Ten for that one). He has layers, upon layers, upon layers, most of them counteractive of the other and a mess of all these hidden secrets that even Donghyuck can’t always remember until they are apparent. 

That’s why he didn’t want to date Mark in the first place because he knew he wasn’t ready yet. Jaemin knew he wasn’t ready and his mother knew he wasn’t ready. But he did it anyway because Mark is Mark. 

And he didn’t want to keep Mark waiting because good things always seem to slip through Donghyuck’s fingers, like Renjun said, when he isn’t paying attention. Donghyuck deserved some good in his life after all the shit he’s gone through. 

But all that seems to be a waste now after last weekend’s fiasco. Today, Mark and he were supposed to get lunch together, but the older cancelled at the last second. This startled the younger a little because Mark hasn’t done that since they started dating. 

He called Donghyuck too. Mark sounded distant and Donghyuck couldn’t blame him. Their last lunch together a couple days earlier was anything but content. Instead of sitting beside Donghyuck, Mark sat in front of him and kept his hands to himself. 

It took everything in Donghyuck’s power to not reach out for him, and kept still. He didn’t want to touch what isn’t his at the moment. 

Because at the end of the day, it is every man for himself. Donghyuck didn’t like to be selfish, but when all he can trust is his own hands then even Mark can’t get in the way of that. Just like how Donghyuck can’t get in the way of Mark. 

“Hey man, what’s up?” Yukhei asks when Donghyuck sits down next to him in the lecture hall. 

“Oh you know, the usual.” Donghyuck responds while taking his shit out of his bag even though he never takes notes in Sociology anyway.

“How’s Mark doing? He seems to be a little off at practice these days, did anything happen?”

 _Ah fucking hell Mark,_ Donghyuck thinks, but he puts on his brightest smile for Mark’s basketball team-mate to see. 

“No no, everything is fine for us at least right now. I’ll make sure to talk to him about it though. Thanks for telling me.” _What I already fucking know._

Yukhei takes this response well because he let’s the topic go. This leaves Donghyuck reeling over how much he fucked up and any sort of attention he was going to try to have for the lecture is out the window. 

And like any 100 level lecture, class goes by slow. Donghyuck spins his pen around wildly and nods off here and there. Luckily, Yukhei shoves his elbow into Donghyuck’s side whenever he is about to snore. 

After the upteenth time of Yukhei ramming his bony ass elbow into Donghyuck’s rib cage, the younger decides staying awake is the best option for the next 45 minutes. He pulls out his phone (thank God for sitting in the back of class) and scrolls through any piece of social media he can get his hands on. 

Donghyuck sees that Mark was on Twitter a couple minutes ago and he wrestles with himself if it would be a good idea to reach out. He decides that he should just because now he knows that Mark isn’t doing so hot in his day to day life either. 

**To: mark lee (aka loml)**  
13:40: hey i was wondering if you want to come over tonight  
13:41: jaemin is making dinner and i want you to pig out with me ):

Donghyuck smiles at his own cleverness; Mark can never say no to a good meal and after he had one of Jaemin’s dishes, he was hooked. He locks his phone and puts it face down on his desk. Mark is in class right now too and unlike Donghyuck, he is a good student who actually pays attention. 

And Donghyuck feels better, finally. After days of wondering and worrying and thinking way too much, he feels free from all the burdens surrounding him. Donghyuck takes his time looking around the lecture hall that he hasn’t bothered to yet even though they are a month into the semester. 

He sees people on their phones and others taking notes like maniacs. Donghyuck somehow catches the eye of a girl who is sneaking a bite of a sandwich even though the lecture hall is clearly a: DO NOT EAT, area. 

As Donghyuck looks around, he feels like someone is doing the same. Turning his head to the opposite direction he was currently facing, Donghyuck makes eye contact with a pair of eyes that he hasn’t seen in a very long time. 

_He’s seen those eyes before, but he can’t put his finger on it._

_Not yet at least._

Donghyuck whips his head away and looks down at his desk. He feels weird, like really weird. That couldn’t be him right? Donghyuck is just going crazy because that _can’t possibly_ be him. 

He would've noticed him the second the semester started. Not like he looks anything special and all, but he would’ve noticed. He always took up space wherever he went, always the center of attention. Just always the center of anything, good or bad. 

Donghyuck blinks at his desk, but the room seems to be spinning. There is just no way that he made it into this class. There is no way he made it into this class and saw Donghyuck first. Oh God how long has he known Donghyuck was here, and just _watched_ him?

He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly as he counts to eight. But Donghyuck’s heart keeps racing and racing. He doesn’t realize he is shaking until Yukhei taps him on the shoulder. 

“Duckie you okay? You look like you’ve seen a fucking demon or something.” Yukhei whispers, but it is loud enough for the girl next to him to glare at the two. 

“Or something.” Donghyuck responds roughly. He pushes his hands down his thighs to wipe the sweat off his palms that has accumulated quite quickly. But he gets an idea. 

“Hey Yukhei, uh, do you see a guy over to the far left looking over here. He has a pair of glasses on and has blond hair.” Donghyuck asks, still looking anywhere but there. 

Yukhei turns his head shamelessly ( _Jesus Christ_ ), but Donghyuck notices him scrunch his nose up before turning back to Donghyuck. 

“Yeah, do you know him?” 

Donghyuck sighs and pushes his hair from his face. God he wishes he wore a hoodie today so he could hide in it until the end of class. But no, of course Jaemin wanted to be matchy-matchy and wear denim jackets and heeled boots. God if Donghyuck is the one who needs to get laid, then Jaemin is the one who needs to just get railed into next week. 

“Uh yeah, we used to date like, a long time ago. Back in high school.” 

“Oooooh okay, that makes sense now.” Yukhei nods understandingly. 

_Please don’t ask why we broke up, please don’t ask why we broke up, please don’t—_

“So why’d you break up?” _Of fucking course._

Donghyuck sinks into his seat. Heat starts rising up in his face and he doesn’t know why. They dated when Donghyuck was 15 and the other being 14. Technically they were only together for a couple weeks, but the other liked Donghyuck for a long time before then. 

And even though it was so long ago, it still keeps him tossing and turning at night. Only sometimes though, especially when there are worse things other than his first ‘official’ boyfriend. 

“You know, we were young and stupid as shit. He liked baseball, and uh, I didn’t.” 

His response causes Yukhei to cough back a laugh and almost shove his fist into his mouth. Donghyuck smiles at Yukhei losing his mind because it is just too funny not to. He doesn’t even care that his first ex is still looking over at them. 

Their professor calls class over a short while after. Donghyuck takes his time packing his stuff up because Yukhei always complains about him wanting to get out of class way too fast. Which isn’t true, the older is just slow (just ask Donghyuck). 

But this time as Donghyuck packs, a new figure appears out of the corner of his eye. Before he can even look up, Yukhei is speaking with a neutral tone of voice that Donghyuck has never heard before. 

“Uh hey dude,” Yukhei says casually. “Whatcha want?”

Donghyuck looks up and sees Myungdae standing in all of his 5’10” wiry frame. To be honest, he is impressed to see his ex try and size up Yukhei who looks like he could kill him on sight. 

“Just wanted to say hi to Donghyuck, haven’t seen him in a while is all.” 

His voice makes Donghyuck’s skin go cold, goosebumps rise on his arms and he could have gone the rest of his life without hearing that man’s voice ever again. But here he is, between one of his newest friends who has no idea what is going on and his first major set of nightmare fuel. 

“Hey.” Is all Donghyuck says before grabbing Yukhei by the bicep, trying to get away as fast as possible before this becomes anything to remember.

“Wait wait, you have time right? I was wondering if we could go chat or something.” Myungdae’s voice is something close to a snake and he can’t stop hissing. 

Yukhei in all of his himbo glory puts an arm out in front of Donghyuck and pushes him slightly behind him. He stands even taller than before and Donghyuck wishes he could just get Yukhei to back off so they can go. 

Something is just itching right where it hurts and it’s like hands are all over Donghyuck’s body the longer he stands near his ex. He wants to get out of here and he wants to get out now. 

“Yo man, I don’t know if you know, but he has a boyfriend and—”

“It’s Yukhei, Yukhei’s my boyfriend and we really need to go.” Donghyuck cuts in praying to some God that Yukhei is smart enough to play along and Myungdae is dumb enough to take Donghyuck’s word for it. 

Yukhei stays silent which is, well, better than nothing, but Myungdae only smiles in response. His skin is greasy up close and Donghyuck can remember what his cheek felt like against the skin of his neck. 

_Every man for himself._

Before he can even question it, Donghyuck pulls Yukhei down by the neck and kisses him. His eyes are screwed tight and he just pretends that this is fine. Yukhei gasps against Donghyuck’s mouth, but doesn’t pull away. However, Donghyuck can feel the strain in the older’s neck due to clear alarm at the action. 

Donghyuck pulls away slowly and looks at Myungdae with soft eyes before looking away. He licks his lips and tries to get the taste of Yukhei out of his mind. But Myungdae just smiles that same _fucking smile_ and God does Donghyuck hate him. 

“Enjoy your plaything before he runs off.” Myungdae drawls out like he’s the bored one. Donghyuck swallows and holds Yukhei back who looks like he is about to punch him square in the Goddamn nose. 

Myungdae walks away like he has no care in the world because somehow, like always, he knows he won. Donghyuck stays put and wipes his lips with the back of his hand. He takes his hand off from Yukhei’s neck and lets it rest against his chest; Donghyuck shudders. 

They stand there for a moment and Yukhei finally looks over at Donghyuck who is still staring at the carpet questioning why the fuck he did that. 

“What the fuck was that Donghyuck because that didn’t feel like the ‘we were young and stupid’ shit you were talking about earlier.”

Donghyuck picks up his backpack instead and turns to face Yukhei. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes so he drops it completely. Yukhei’s eyes grow wide at the action and he suddenly looks so taken back. 

“See you later.” Donghyuck responds with a light tone that throws off the whole atmosphere. He doesn't even bother to explain why he won’t tell Yukhei what that was about. He is just simply too tired. 

He walks away from Yukhei who is still stuck in his place, but Donghyuck turns around at the last second before leaving the lecture hall. 

“Don’t tell Mark about that whole thing, eh?” Donghyuck winks and he feels so fucking gross with himself. Not even a shower is going to fix what happened today. 

He leaves Yukhei standing, startled and probably worried beyond belief, but honestly Donghyuck could care less. He just wants to get back to the apartment and crawl into bed— wait.

Donghyuck takes his phone out of his pocket and looks at his lockscreen. 

**From: mark lee (aka loml)**  
14:03: not tonight babe, got some last minute assignments to do //:  
14:03: maybe tomorrow???

And with that, he shoves his phone back into his pocket and pushes his way through the building. Donghyuck doesn’t calm down until he reaches the outside courtyard. He takes in a breath of the fresh spring air and swallows it down like a starving man who is tasting water for the first time. 

And he knows Myungdae is around, somewhere, anywhere. And he knows that the bastard knows he isn’t dating Yukhei because he knows Myungdae still follows him on Instagram where pictures of Mark are littered everywhere with hearts and quotes about love surround him. 

Donghyuck panicked, and now his dumbass is going to pay the price for it one way or another. But he keeps his head up when he walks to the bus stop. He keeps his head up when he makes eye contact with a man clearly eyeing him only a few feet away. He keeps his head up. 

Donghyuck was made to stand still and for everyone to look at, take, and touch. He knows this, and— 

His heeled boots click on the sidewalk as he almost sprints back to his apartment. He doesn’t take his eyes off the concrete until he has to put his key up to the lock to let him into the parking garage. 

And finally after the elevator ride, Donghyuck is resting his head against the front door of his apartment. He stands there for a moment with his eyes closed. No one is in the hallway so he continues to stand and replay all the events that led up to now. 

Because right now if Mark was here, Donghyuck would be quiet and curled in a ball. Sure he wouldn’t tell Mark what happened, but Mark wouldn’t push either. That’s why Donghyuck loves him because Mark _trusts_ him. 

Mark doesn’t ask where he was all day. Mark doesn’t ask why Donghyuck didn’t text him back the second he noticed Mark did. Mark doesn’t question what Donghyuck wears. Mark doesn’t ask why Donghyuck has three roommates when having a boyfriend should be enough to keep him nicely fucked and full. 

Mark trusts Donghyuck and he loves it, he _feeds_ off of it, because that means Donghyuck doesn’t have to trust him back. 

But Mark isn’t here, and they aren’t talking. Donghyuck kissed Yukhei and Mark is going to find out because Donghyuck _threatened_ Yukhei like a fucking idiot and Mark will finally realize why people look at Donghyuck like he is something to eat. 

That is all Donghyuck is good for because anyone who follows him down the rabbit hole always comes out scaved. Better eat when the food is hot and get out before you get hurt. 

Because even after all these years, there are certain people that hold power over Donghyuck no matter how hard he tries to fight them off. And Myungdae is still able to get the worst of him. 

Donghyuck puts on a brave face and smiles at the door in front of him like he is crazy and maybe it’s because he is. He unlocks the door and sees Renjun sitting on the loveseat that faces the door. 

He looks up from his book and pops an eyebrow up. 

“How’d class go?”

Donghyuck laughs to himself and tosses his keys into the bowl next to the door. He toes off his shoes and throws his backpack onto the coach. He sits down and puts his feet up on the table before looking back over to Renjun. 

And Donghyuck knows he’s just unleashed something that he will never be able to reel back in. How he has finally ( _finally_ ) taken it too far. 

_“Oh you know, the usual.”_

Because even the worst things demand to be seen.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you thought! i'll most likely post sections once a week... at least i think i will.
> 
> thanks for reading~~ until next time.
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


	2. these hands are not my own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck has been friends with Jaemin for a really, _really_ long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends i’m back with a new chapter. thank you guys for all the support! it has been an honor to read your comments and see how many people have subscribed to the story. 
> 
> this chapter is a little intense so please read the section warnings and give me feedback! i really do thrive off of comments and it is always so interesting to hear what you guys are thinking/feeling. thank you again~~
> 
>  **section warnings:** there is non-consensual kissing between donghyuck and an OC (both are underage). also acts of possessive behavior, emotional and mental manipulation of said OC. some mentions of underage drinking and overall depressing themes.

  


  


Donghyuck has been friends with Jaemin for a really, _really_ long time. 

They met each other in elementary school through another group of young children, but the second their eyes locked, it was going to be them against the world. 

Jaemin is just the best person Donghyuck has ever met. Even though they have had their fights and disagreements, they have always come back to each other. It is easy to say that soulmates are only people in love, but Donghyuck disagrees.

Donghyuck was a soft spoken child and loved to make people happy. He was known as a peacemaker around school and was willing to help anyone with their issues, whether it be personal or between friends (or enemies). 

So it was hard to believe when he started to get bullied just by simply existing. Donghyuck was a smart kid and got put into an accelerated math course at his parents will. While he truly enjoyed math (mostly times tables, but whatever), he didn’t enjoy the people he was put with. 

Kids are cruel and it’s because they don’t know better. 12 year old Donghyuck had a hard time accepting this and held it against the other boys that would throw mean words at him in the library during their private studies. 

There were only some many times you can hear: _you ugly fucking fatass, no one will love you and you’ll die stupid, you’ll die unloved, you’ll die alone,_ until you start believing it. 

But maybe the worst part is that he held the smallest (tiniest) flame for one certain boy. Donghyuck can’t remember his name now, but he can remember that the boy was a soccer player. His favorite days would be ones where Donghyuck and the other would be alone in the library and he would just talk about his favorite players in the sport. 

Because if there was one thing about Donghyuck that would never die is his love of learning and knowing anything and everything he can get his hands on. 

But even though the boy was sweet and kind when the other boys weren’t around, he was distant and cold when they were. While Donghyuck got sworn at for hours each day, he would sit in the shadows and just, let it happen. 

And one day, Donghyuck got so tired of it, so sad and angry over all the words and phrases that haunted him at night, that he finally questioned the other boy in a fury. 

“Why do you let them do it?” Donghyuck screamed at the other boy who looked shell shocked that the kid known to keep his head down was making direct eye contact with enough force to kill. 

“Sometimes it’s better to protect yourself,” He responded, almost dull in tone that it shook something in Donghyuck’s core. “ _Every man for himself,_ you know?” 

Donghyuck shouldn’t have been shocked when he heard years later that the boy who uttered those words to him was getting beaten by his father on the daily, but it shocked him enough. He was one of the first crushes Donghyuck had, and even though he hurt him in more ways than one, it didn’t mean Donghyuck cared any less. 

He always had a problem with caring too much. 

It wasn’t until middle school for Donghyuck to realize how much he changed. Jaemin wasn’t really any help because like his parents, you never realize how people change after you’ve known them for a long time. 

It’s like how you never realize how tall you’ve grown until you see a distant relative and they make a comment on how you were feet shorter the last time they saw you. Time does that to the people around you. 

But Donghyuck could see the differences. He was aggressive, there was a bite or threat attached to every word that left his mouth. He was loud and brash, he didn’t care about anything or anyone which was freeing in a lot of ways. 

Sure his grades suffered and he got into so many fights with his parents that he never knew if they were on good terms or not, but Donghyuck was free whenever he was on his own. And he loved it.

Well, he loved it until he saw someone flinch when he raised a hand to finish telling a joke. It took him back for a moment and he stepped away. 

“Why’d you do that?” He asked and the person in front of him quivered at his strong tone. 

“I thought you were going to _hit me._ ”

Oh, well that was different. Donghyuck apologized quickly while Jaemin stood at his side and just laughed until his stomach hurt at the situation: _Donghyuck? Hit you? He couldn’t even hurt a fly!_

Let’s just say that person looked at Jaemin like he lost his mind. But Donghyuck stayed still because Jaemin was right. Donghyuck would never hurt someone on purpose, but here someone was shaking like a leaf at the raise of his hand. 

It got Donghyuck’s attention. For the last couple years, Donghyuck wasn’t the listener or peacemaker he used to be, but an actor. He didn’t care what people thought of him until that moment. 

It sparked something in his chest, the wanting to be the soft spoken child he was before all of this madness that was settled deep in his heart. 

So he started listening again and this is what he learned: he wasn’t to be fucked with because no one knew when he would snap, he was a cold hearted bastard and hard to talk to, he wasn’t made for new friends, and he was soulless. 

Imagine being 13 years old the first time you are called soulless. 

Donghyuck vowed to himself that he would change or at least he would try, but after having a voice for so long it almost felt wrong to crawl back from the spotlight. Especially when he was finally getting attention, no matter if it was for good or bad reasons.

But everything changed when he met Myungdae. 

They had history class together and Myungdae was nice. There hadn’t been a boy be nice to Donghyuck in a long time (other than Jaemin of course) and it felt weird. It felt different.

Myungdae would talk to Donghyuck every day in class and made him smile from ear to ear. He would compliment the way Donghyuck dressed and how his eyeliner looked (yeah he was that type of kid). 

Myungdae wasn’t afraid of Donghyuck and it made him feel _special._ It made Donghyuck feel wanted for who he truly was. 

No one had made Donghyuck feel that way before so he finally gave the other boy his phone number before the school year ended so they could continue talking to each other over the summer. 

It wasn’t until Donghyuck went to a party with Jaemin. He started talking around with some other people he sort of (didn’t) know and heard some things about Myungdae. 

“He’s nothing but trouble. He’s weird okay, like really weird. You don’t want to get involved. Here—” Someone Donghyuck just met, literally, motioned to his phone. “I’ll text him.”

And Donghyuck doesn’t know what the other person said to this day, all he knows is that Myungdae’s phone number was deleted from his contacts and he didn’t hear from him for the rest of the summer. 

“You’ll thank me later.”

Truly, Donghyuck forgot about it. Summer was normal and like every other year, Jaemin and he spent their time in Jaemin’s pool and swam until their skin pruned. The summer months went by quickly leading the two to enter high school. 

Donghyuck had a rough transition from elementary to middle school. He knew this would happen for high school as well simply due to all the new things he could try and all of the people he could meet. 

Once again, Donghyuck had time to reinvent himself so he did. Well, at least he tried to. 

He started trying to be more social, he went out with some people in his classes and did things he would have never done a year before. Donghyuck went to house parties, football games, club meetings, and everything in between. 

But it was really at the football games where Donghyuck shined. He got interested in the sport when he got a crush on this guy on the football team, but soon learned that he just truly enjoyed watching and understanding the sport too. 

It was at a football game where Donghyuck saw Myungdae again. 

He was hanging out with Donghyuck’s new friends and he was happy to see a familiar face. Jaemin sadly couldn’t come to the game due to being grounded for sneaking into his parents alcohol so Donghyuck was all alone. 

During half time, Donghyuck was shoved to go get food with Myungdae by his friends and he could see all of them making eyes at the two. He swallowed and followed Myungdae to the concession stands. In a blink of an eye, he realized that the game was over and he had been lost in conversation with Myungdae for the rest of the game. 

The other boy was closer to Donghyuck and his heart was beating so fast in his chest. He thought he was going to kiss him, but instead, just gave him a hug and was on his way. 

But later that night, Myungdae gave Donghyuck a text and yeah, it started that night. 

In no time, Donghyuck had his first boyfriend and _Goddamn_ was he proud of himself. Myungdae asked him to go to Homecoming with him as his date and that is where they made it official. 

Before high school started, Donghyuck swore up and down that he would never go to a school dance. But after he got asked by the guy he liked, that was done and over with. 

He went tux shopping with his mom and she was so excited to finally meet his soon to be boyfriend. Donghyuck’s mother helped him get ready that Saturday night and squealed once Donghyuck was dressed. 

“Oh my beautiful boy.” She whispered when he walked out. She grabbed his cheeks and made him whine, but he didn’t actually care. 

His dad was the one to answer the door when Myungdae got to the house. Both Myungdae’s parents (well, just his mom) and Donghyuck’s took photos for forever, but he was okay with it because he liked the feeling on Myungdae’s hand on his waist. 

Myungdae’s mother drove them to dinner (oh the woes of not having a driver's license) and she was so kind. Donghyuck thanked her a million times over when they got out of the car and entered the restaurant. 

To be honest, Donghyuck ate before dinner because he was so nervous and didn’t want to go on an empty stomach. He told Myungdae this when they sat down and he only ordered an appetizer. 

“Well, if you were going to do that then we shouldn’t have come to dinner at all.” The other snapped his menu closed, causing Donghyuck to jump slightly in his seat. 

“I’ll— order something else, if you want me too.” Donghyuck tried to save the dinner, but the other refused to look at him.

“No, if you want to eat like a rabbit then by all means, do it.”

And that was, incredibly _odd._ Myungdae had never talked to Donghyuck in that way before and he wrote it down as the other being hungry. Donghyuck deemed this true because once Myungdae was filled with food, his smile returned to his face.

They left the restaurant hand in hand to finally go to the dance. Myungdae had asked profusely for forgiveness for his outburst and Donghyuck was quick to give it to him when his words felt more like a demand. He wanted the night to be perfect and a stupid argument wasn’t going to get in the way. 

When Donghyuck and Myungdae entered the dance, Donghyuck got more attention in those few minutes then he had his whole life. Everyone saw Myungdae’s arm around his hips, moving him around the dance floor to meet all of his friends. 

Donghyuck met so many people that night and he couldn’t even tell you a single name. However, he can remember asking Myungdae if they could find Jaemin, but he ignored him every time he asked. 

Donghyuck just wrote it off as the school gym being too loud and Myungdae couldn’t (wouldn’t) hear him. 

Instead, Donghyuck was pulled into the middle of the gym floor. He was turned around quickly before being pressed against Myungdae’s chest. He could feel the other’s breath dance across his neck and his hands grip Donghyuck’s hips harshly. 

And they danced like that for a while. Donghyuck felt rigid in his moves and could tell Myungdae was starting to get frustrated again. So he put an arm up around Myungdae’s head and pushed his face into the crook of Donghyuck’s neck. His sweaty cheek stuck to Donghyuck’s skin making him gulp down the humid air that surrounded them. 

It was Donghyuck who pulled them from the dance floor and into a more clear area. As soon as he did that, Myungdae was pulling Donghyuck to a new group of friends. He stayed quiet next to Myungdae’s side and only spoke when spoken too. 

He blushed like crazy, mostly out of pure embarrassment, when Myungdae’s friends wolf whistled at Donghyuck about him grinding up against their friend: _like he wanted it right on the dance floor for everyone to see._

It was a lot to handle, but when someone finally asked if they were officially dating it was Donghyuck who nodded quickly with a smile. Suddenly, Myungdae kissed Donghyuck in front of everyone in the circle which shocked Donghyuck at first. 

Not like they hadn’t kissed before, but he didn’t know they were exactly doing that in public yet. But it was okay because Myungdae was enjoying himself so that meant Donghyuck was too. 

When Donghyuck got home, his skin was itchy from all the sweat he had plastered on him. He talked to his parents for a bit then excused himself so he could take a shower. Donghyuck scratched the side of his neck as if he had a bug bite which wasn’t the case. 

Even after the shower, the itch wouldn’t go away. He looked in the mirror and tore his hand away when he saw the welt he created by rubbing the tender skin. Donghyuck laughed at himself and felt silly for his actions. 

But even when he went to sleep that night, there was pressure against his throat that he couldn’t seem to get away from.

A couple weeks after Homecoming, Donghyuck was spending the night over at Jaemin’s. They had spent a lot of time together since the dance due to not seeing each other once that night. Donghyuck didn’t tell him it was because of Myungdae; he didn’t think it was that important. 

However, in all of Jaemin’s glory, he had the brilliant idea of inviting Myungdae and his current crush, Haneul, over to hang out with them. Jaemin’s parents were really lowkey and would let the boys loiter around in Jaemin’s bedroom with no worry. If it was Donghyuck’s parents, Myungdae would never be allowed in his bedroom because they still think of Donghyuck as a kid. As if. 

So Donghyuck texted Myungdae to come over and hang out which he accepted quickly, but only after asking Donghyuck why he hadn’t texted him all day even though Myungdae sent him 10 texts in a row. 

Donghyuck responded that he was hanging out with Jaemin this whole time which the other responded with: _of course you were, why don’t you pay attention to your boyfriend that you actually love instead of your “friend”._

Donghyuck rolled his eyes at the response and almost told Myungdae to not come over, but he knew the other didn’t mean it and was only a little touchy. He always thought something was going on between Jaemin and him no matter how many times Donghyuck told him there wasn’t (because ew gross). That was Myungdae’s fault, not Donghyuck’s. 

So Myungdae and Haneul came over that night. They watched TV for hours (American Horror Story: Circus, awful season by the way) in Jaemin’s room and talked about the first couple months of high school. At one point, Myungdae pulled Donghyuck from Jaemin’s bed to sit on his lap which Donghyuck followed aimlessly. 

“Don’t you wanna be on me baby?” He murmured in Donghyuck’s ear making him shiver. He smiled then nodded, not really knowing what to say. Myungdae’s hand rested on Donghyuck’s thigh and played with the thin pair of sleep shorts he was wearing, his hands ice cold against Donghyuck’s tanned skin. 

Donghyuck put his hand on top of Myungdae’s when the other suddenly reached in between his thighs. He pushed the other’s fingers into his skin to keep him still, but it was better than having his knuckles knock up against his— 

Jaemin raised an eye at Donghyuck then wiggled his eyebrows which he could only snort at. Because clearly Jaemin couldn’t see how badly Donghyuck was shaking. 

Haneul announced his departure only minutes later which Jaemin pouted about for a bit until he actually had to leave. Jaemin offered to walk him out and once they put their shoes on, they were out of the bedroom and closing the door. 

Before Donghyuck could even speak, he was thrown back onto the bed. His back pushed into the mattress with strength that he’s never felt before and Myungdae was on top of him in an insistence. His chest was pressed against Donghyuck’s; Myungdae’s thighs straddling his hips and pinning him down, down, down. 

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do this to you.” He hissed against Donghyuck’s ear, then crashed his lips against his.

Donghyuck was frozen, the body on top of him was caging him in. His arms were trapped above his head and he couldn’t move. Jaemin would be back at any moment and he didn’t want him to see this; to see him in such a vulnerable position _he didn’t even ask for._

Donghyuck tried to show his discomfort by trying to pull an arm down and push it against the other’s chest to get him the fuck off, but Myungdae only leaned into the kiss more. It couldn’t have been fun for Myungdae because the longer Donghyuck stayed still, the angrier he got. The air around Donghyuck was so thick with tension and he just wanted Myungdae _off of him._

But the boy didn’t move until he decided he had enough of Donghyuck. Myungdae rolled off of him and it was like a spell was broken because Jaemin walked in only seconds later with a knowing look on his face. Donghyuck laid there for a moment, staring at the ceiling and gripping the bedsheets under him until his knuckles turned white. 

_What just happened._

Myungdae left twenty minutes later after sitting in silence with Donghyuck not even daring to make eye contact. He pulled Donghyuck by the wrist to have him show the other out. He walked behind Myungdae as they entered the open garage. 

The headlights from Myungdae’s mom’s car shined brightly on them and casted a shadow over the other’s face making him look like a demon with a broken halo. Donghyuck whispered a goodbye, but before he could turn away, Myungdae’s hand grabbed his chin tightly to put Donghyuck in his place. 

“Kiss me goodbye like a good boyfriend.” He spoke harshly and Donghyuck can’t believe his own ears when he lets out a _whimper._ He let the other pull his mouth to his and explore the backsides of his teeth until Myungdae was satisfied. 

Myungdae whipped Donghyuck’s head around when he finally let go of his chin. His jaw hurt from how brutal his boyfriend was holding him and he just watched Myungdae go. Donghyuck wrapped an arm around his waist and turned his head away from the windshield that showed Myungdae’s mother staring at him. 

Donghyuck stood there in the dark for a while after Myungdae left. 

He stared into the night and let the silence swallow him whole. His heart was beating so fast that he had to put his own hand against his chest to help it slow down. He felt weird, he felt bad. Donghyuck felt _gross._

And he felt like he was going to be sick. 

_What the fuck just happened, did that really just happened, did he, did I— , was I—_

Donghyuck’s hands shook intensely as he tried to grab the door handle to let himself back into Jaemin’s house. He shut the garage door closed, entered the home then let himself into Jaemin’s room who was sitting on the bed with his back against the wall, scrolling on his phone. 

Jaemin asked what took Donghyuck so long with a joking tone, but the older just stayed quiet. Instead of responding, Donghyuck started getting ready for bed which Jaemin just simply followed purely out of confusion. 

Donghyuck climbed into bed and could barely push himself to lay down, but he did. The mattress felt different against his skin and he wanted the sheets off, but he pulled them to his chin. 

Jaemin turned off the overhead lights and Donghyuck turned his body to face away from his friend. He could feel Jaemin’s worried glance on the back of his skull and he collapsed under the attention.

_Don’t look at me, please, you’ll see it. You’ll see him._

It wasn’t until Jaemin had settled in bed and started playing soft music off of his phone to lull them to sleep when Donghyuck spoke. 

“Myungdae pinned me down, on the— on the bed.” Donghyuck’s voice sounded different, but maybe it was the silence playing a trick on him.

Jaemin grew incredibly still though and Donghyuck held his breath, waiting. 

“Did he... Did he force himself on you?” Jaemin whispered and Donghyuck squeezed his eyes shut tight as tears started to dip down his cheeks; he wanted to cry so bad, but not in front of Jaemin. At least not tonight. 

“ _Yes._ ”

Donghyuck broke up with Myungdae a week later. 

He pulled the other out of the hallway when he refused to leave because he knew what Donghyuck was going to do. Myungdae stormed off when Donghyuck finally uttered the words: _it’s over._

But as the days went forward, the more anxious Donghyuck got. Whenever Myungdae’s face appeared in a hallway, Donghyuck would put his head down and walk faster past him just in case his ex got the idea to grab at him. 

Donghyuck was worried because Myungdae knew where he lived, where Jaemin lived. He was worried because if Myungdae could grab his chin, leaving tiny purple bruises littered across his freckled skin, when he loved him then what would he do when he hated Donghyuck? 

Donghyuck was worried because he was _scared._ God, Donghyuck hadn’t been more terrified in his life. He couldn’t sleep with any sheets on the bed and would wake up from terrible nightmares with the other’s face in every corner of his room. He couldn’t escape the fear. 

He would scrub himself raw in the shower and most of the time he would end up collapsing under the warm water because it would choke him like a pair of hands. Donghyuck couldn’t get the hands off of him, no matter how hard he would try to drown them down the drain. 

Hands were everywhere and he finally understood the pressure he felt around his neck after Homecoming night. 

It was like Donghyuck was 12 again, mentally and emotionally exhausted from the constant harassment he got each awful day by the men he hated, by a boy he liked: _every man for himself._

But this time Jaemin couldn’t even console Donghyuck by hugging him due to Donghyuck violently flinching away any time he put his arms around him. And God was Donghyuck angry for what Myungdae took from him because _he took and took and took_ every waking thought Donghyuck had until he was drained empty. 

_So this is what soulless feels like,_ he remembers thinking when Myungdae walked past him with a girl on his hip and her eyes staring at her shoes; a hand-shaped bruise on her pretty, pale wrist. 

Donghyuck didn’t even know what truly happened and the effects of what Myungdae did until he got into his next relationship and threw up after kissing his new boyfriend for the first time. 

That was when it clicked, when Donghyuck realized that _he was—_ oh. 

He was only 15 years old.

  


  


One thing Donghyuck has picked up since being in college is his inability to talk things out with himself. 

Maybe it’s because he suddenly has a lot more friends to talk to? Jaemin and he decided to room with two mystery people (enter Renjun and Jeno) so before that, he didn’t really have a lot of options to talk to in the first place. 

And Donghyuck hates to say it, but ever since what happened with Myungdae, he hasn’t really talked to Jaemin about anything really important or at least not anything dealing with that sort of stuff. 

He knew Jaemin still holds himself responsible for what happened that night, even though he shouldn’t. Even though Donghyuck told him not to. But it’s Jaemin and he likes to be involved, especially when he isn’t. 

However, it’s not like Donghyuck ever _actually_ talks. Sure, he talks a lot about class, and people he likes and people he does not like, and the weather, a new song, game, and whatever else that comes to mind. 

But he doesn’t talk about important stuff. He doesn’t actually answer: _how was your day,_ truthfully. Why the hell would he do that? Everyone knows that it’s just nice to ask how someone is doing, but not actually give a real response. 

Donghyuck likes talking because people think they know things about you, but they don’t. All they know is that you, well, talk. 

So at the end of the day, it is impressive on how much people know about him without actually knowing that they do. 

“What the actual fuck Donghyuck.” Jaemin speaks bluntly over his bowl of freshly poured cereal. 

It’s Sunday, meaning Jeno and Renjun are both out for the afternoon. Jeno teaches some weight-training classes (gross) and Renjun volunteers at a nearby animal shelter, but mostly because he wants to play with the kittens. 

More importantly and a little bit concerning, is that Donghyuck has finally left his room for the first time since getting back from class on Thursday. The one with Myungdae, and Yukhei. 

“You’d think I’d pay attention more often huh? I did so much better looking out for him freshman year. Got too comfortable I guess.” Donghyuck laughs before sipping some of his coffee. 

The scorching liquid runs down his throat and it burns like a bitch, but Donghyuck has felt worse so he just hums before taking a larger sip. Jaemin, however, is looking at Donghyuck like he has grown two heads within the span of three seconds. 

“I— what, no. That isn’t the part I’m gapping like a fucking fish at. What do you mean you _kissed_ Yukhei?” Jaemin drops his spoon into his bowl. Milk leaps out onto the dinner table and Donghyuck sighs before getting a napkin and cleaning up the mess himself. 

“Well I panicked. You remember how Myungdae was, I didn’t know what to do and usually I freeze up so instead of doing that, I kissed Yukhei.” Donghyuck waves his hand in the air vaguely and tries to draw himself out of the conversation. 

“That’s so fucking stupid Donghyuck.”

See this, right here, is the reason why Donghyuck doesn’t tell Jaemin anything anymore. 

Donghyuck huffs at the statement and rolls his eyes. Jaemin cannot just keep his words to himself. Of course Donghyuck knows it was stupid and he also knows that he can’t go back and change it so. What good does it do calling Donghyuck out for his dumbass decisions? 

“He was trying to size up Yukhei and you know he could kill Myungdae with one punch to the nose. I was trying to defuse the situation.” Donghyuck tries to explain, but it is a fruitless effort because once Jaemin makes up his mind, he will stand by it even in Goddamn death.

“Why didn’t you just leave?” Jaemin asks and starts continuing to eat his breakfast (more like lunch) before it gets all soggy. 

Truthfully, Donghyuck doesn’t know why he didn’t just drag Yukhei’s ass out of the lecture hall and pretend nothing happened. Because honestly even though he didn’t technically freeze up on Myungdae, he still sort of did. 

Because Myungdae wanted him there. It’s everything Donghyuck avoided in high school, being alone with him because he didn’t know what he would do. Donghyuck knew if he got alone with him, it would be over because he wasn’t a fighter or a flighter. 

He was, and still is, a freezer. A believer that maybe if he sits there for long enough it’ll be over before he even knows it. Donghyuck hoped and hoped and hoped. But somehow Myungdae still has a power over him that he can’t seem to get away from.

So Donghyuck froze because Myungdae was looking at him and he didn’t know what to do so he panicked because he was scared, okay? Really scared and that is the truth. 

Not like anyone needs to know the truth anyway, what good does it ever do. 

“He probably would've followed me or something. Didn’t want to lead him to the apartment. Can you imagine that? Jeno or Renjun opening the door to him?” Donghyuck says and it sounds almost believable to his own ears. But clearly not to Jaemin.

“It’s your fault for never telling them what happened you know? They would back off of you and this whole Mark thing if they knew.” Jaemin tries to reach a hand out to Donghyuck, but the older backs away from it. 

“I know you want me to tell them so you can finally talk about how much you think it was your fault. I get it Nana so back off. _I’m fine._ ” Donghyuck stands up with his empty cup to refill it. His hands are shaking, he hates fighting with Jaemin, but my God can he just give him a break. 

Donghyuck sees Jaemin’s face twist in disgust at what he just said at him. But like Jaemin always does, he swallows it down and takes in a deep breath. He picks up his bowl to drink the remaining milk and waits for Donghyuck to sit back down. 

“I’ve known you too long, I know you are trying to get me angry so I will drop it. Donghyuck I know you and I can— I know you’re hurting. I know you’re lying and I will let you lie to me straight to my face for as long as you want to, but I won’t let you lie to yourself. You don’t deserve that.” Jaemin actually grabs Donghyuck’s hand this time and rubs his thumb over his knuckles. 

Donghyuck stares at the floor when Jaemin gets up to put his bowl in the dishwasher. He gets up with his coffee and mumbles about taking a shower or something. But before he can leave the room, Jaemin calls out to him.

“Ask Mark to come over tonight, Jeno and Renjun really want to play Animal Crossing and drool over your boyfriend.” _And you need to talk about this with Mark._

“Kay, will do.”

“Oh and Duckie, telling the truth won’t kill you, I promise.” Jaemin’s voice is light and Donghyuck just gives him a tight lipped smile before leaving. 

He gets a clean pair of clothes to change into before entering the bathroom. He locks the door even though no one is going to enter, but it just makes him feel better. Donghyuck deposits his clothes on the toilet seat and turns on the water, making sure it will be extra hot. 

Waiting for the water to get to a perfect boiling temperature, he pulls out his phone to shoot Mark a quick text. They haven’t talked since Mark dipped on him Thursday night, which led him to have a depressive episode for the last couple days. 

He knows he pissed off Mark after not being able to put out, but he didn’t think Mark was going to react this way. But really, it was Donghyuck’s fault for leading him on and they have been dating a couple months already. Mark should have been able to get what he wanted from Donghyuck forever ago. 

Donghyuck thinks about lying and just telling Jaemin that Mark is busy tonight, but he knows that when he is actually trying to lie, that he is awful at it. Displacing information has always been easier to do in Donghyuck’s opinion.

But Donghyuck knows Jaemin is right. He needs to talk to Mark and say at least something, anything really. Maybe Mark will understand and give Donghyuck another chance to make it up to him. 

A lot of people have told Donghyuck that he would look really good in bed so it must be true right? Well, at least hopefully. 

So Donghyuck shoots Mark a text right before getting into the shower. 

**To: mark lee (aka loml)**  
14:22: hey, sorry for being M.I.A. //: had a lot of school work to do too.  
14:23: i was wondering if you were free tonight? jeno and renjun want to play animal crossing.

Thinking about it now, Donghyuck really should have waited for Mark to respond before getting in the shower. Because if Mark is coming over tonight then he needs to shave and he really doesn’t want to do that if he doesn’t have to. 

He washes his hair and body quickly before stepping out of the shower to wrap a towel around himself. The water rushing down is the only sound in the room, but it doesn’t matter when Donghyuck sees that Mark responded already.

 **From: mark lee (aka loml)**  
14:26: i’m free tonight! i’ll make sure to bring my switch over ahaha

 **To: mark lee (aka loml)**  
14:33: do you wanna stay the night maybe?  
14:33: i know it’s a sunday but i’d really like you to.

 **From: mark lee (aka loml)**  
14:34: i can stay the night :D  
14:34: as long as you are sure though, but i’d really love to (:

 _Of course you would._

**To: mark lee (aka loml)**  
14:35: see you soon then mr. mark lee (;

Donghyuck sighs then locks his phone. He plays around with it until he sees Mark has sent him a text filled with hearts. It makes him smile for a moment while his heart grows, but then he remembers why Mark is so happy. 

He was giving Donghyuck another chance to make him happy, which the younger is over the moon about, but this has to be the last chance he has, right? Mark is probably tired of waiting for Donghyuck anyway, Donghyuck would be tired too.

Donghyuck scrolls through his music before clicking shuffle on a playlist. He wraps his phone up in a towel and gets back into the shower with a fresh razor. 

This was going to take a while. 

And Donghyuck should have known that the second Mark Lee walked his ass into the apartment, Jeno and Renjun would jump right on top of him. Yes, he invited Mark over for basically the sole purpose of making his friends happy, and Mark was _his_ boyfriend. Not theirs.

Not like he was jealous or anything, pfft, no way. Donghyuck? Never.

Donghyuck couldn’t really blame his friends though, there is something about Mark that just demands the need for attention. He’s sweet and caring like any older brother would be, but he was also fun and a little careless which made his presence always exciting. 

Mark is a walking breath of fresh air, a warm spring day, a perfect sunset view, and a lot of other things too. It’s the reason why Mark is remembered whenever they go out to a restaurant they have been to before. It’s the reason why Mark is the most popular guy on their school’s basketball team. It’s the reason why Donghyuck fell in love with him. 

So could he really blame his friends for wanting that too? No, not when he understands it so much himself. 

Donghyuck just takes Mark’s Hydroflask water bottle from him the second he walks in (per usual, he never has it full) and fills it up while Jeno helps him plug in the Switch to the TV. He watches his friends talk speedily with Mark and grins slightly as his boyfriend lets out a loud laugh. 

Jaemin comes over and stands next to Donghyuck. They haven’t talked since their last conversation and it is still weighing on Donghyuck’s mind. 

“I’m sorry for this morning, for what I said.” Donghyuck says, not taking his eyes off of Renjun who has now jumped on top of Mark’s back to get his favorite controller. 

“Don’t worry about it. I just— I don’t want you to get in your head again okay? Mark isn’t Myungdae or Taehyeong, but I don’t want him to end up like Haneul.” Jaemin responds and puts his hand on top of Donghyuck’s shoulder, a safe place. 

_Haneul, I haven’t heard his name in years,_ Donghyung thinks to himself before putting his hand on top of Jaemin’s. 

“Thanks, for just being here for me. Putting up with me all these years I guess.” Donghyuck looks over at his best friend and for a moment, Donghyuck can see the 8 year old he first met all those years ago. 

“You don’t have to thank me for being your friend Donghyuck. I love you.” Jaemin smirks before snuggling up Donghyuck’s side. The older of the two laughs while trying to push him off, but Jaemin keeps making kissy faces at him.

Donghyuck fights back by tickling his sides, making Jaemin shierks at his efforts. After a while, both of them finally pull away, smiling brightly at each other and Donghyuck feels like he just aged 10 years. 

When he turns to face the living room again, he sees Mark looking at him and he is smiling just as warmly. And it isn’t hard for Donghyuck to think: _yeah I really love this dude._

Jaemin sits down on the loveseat with Jeno, curling up into the older because he is too busy fucking around with Mark and Renjun on the Switch. Donghyuck goes and sits next to Mark and Renjun on the other bigger couch. 

He puts his head down on Mark’s lap and watches them fish in the streams of Mark’s animal crossing village (Donghyuck doesn’t even know how this game works so that’s the best description he can make). But it’s fun, it’s content. 

Donghyuck hasn’t honestly felt this safe in a while so maybe that’s why he is finally able to doze off for a quick nap. He didn’t even realize he fell asleep until he felt the back of someone’s knuckle lightly rub at his cheek. 

His eyes and nose snurch up together and now he can hear Mark _cooing._ Donghyuck pushes his face into Mark’s stomach and pulls up a blanket that he must have draped over him while he slept. 

“How was your nap?” Mark asks softly, still running his fingers across Donghyuck’s skin, and it feels nice and Donghyuck doesn’t want to flinch away.

But he does anyway. 

It’s light movement, not as bad as he used to, but enough for Mark to pull away his hand from Donghyuck’s form like he shocked him. Donghyuck blinks up at Mark and just smiles. He grabs the older’s hand with his own and interlaces their fingers together. 

“It was good, you make for a nice pillow.” Donghyuck picks up his head and lightly drops it back down on Mark’s thigh before mumbling about how comfortable he is. 

Mark smiles at Donghyuck, but it doesn’t feel right and Dongyuck wished that he wouldn’t react so much to a soft touch that he knew wouldn’t hurt him. They sit there in silence for a bit, listening to Jaemin curse at Jeno for not washing a pot like asked when he specifically said he needed it to make dinner. 

Normally, the silence between Donghyuck and whoever he is with at the time makes him want to suffocate himself. But it isn’t so awful with Mark, sure there is silence because Donghyuck can’t will himself to clue Mark in about anything. However, it doesn’t make his skin crawl or make him want to sit in the shower for hours on end. 

Donghyuck moves one hand to brush some hair behind Mark’s ear, but the older grabs that hand and brings his lips to it. Mark kisses the back of his hand with such light pressure that Donghyuck would have missed the feeling if he wasn’t looking. But it causes Donghyuck to tear up (only a little) at the action. 

No one has ever done that to him before and Mark looks at him like he knows that. 

Jaemin makes a big pot of ramen for dinner and they eat on the couch, a movie plays in the background and they are all just scrolling on their phones. Jeno leaves at some point to go study with a group of friends at the library and Renjun goes into his room to do homework. 

Donghyuck pulls Mark away from his Switch and motions his head to the bedroom. Jaemin sends him a look and Donghyuck totally forgot to tell him that Mark is staying the night. He doesn’t even get the chance to when Jaemin sends him a text, saying: _be careful._

Unlike Mark’s room, Donghyuck does have a TV so he puts it on and just clicks on a music channel. Classic fills the air as Mark turns on Donghyuck’s magnitude of lamps, first the one of his desk, then his bedside one, then the rock salt lamp. 

Mark tells Donghyuck that he has some homework to do and Donghyuck gives him the desk. Donghyuck got most of his work done (shockingly) during his self-isolation period so he just sits in bed, under the covers scrolling through YouTube. 

It only takes Mark around an hour to do the work he needed. He closes his book and puts it back into his backpack before turning around to face Donghyuck. He pulls down his phone and looks at Mark before patting down at the bed, silently asking him to join. 

And Mark looks tentative, but joins anyway. Donghyuck lifts up the covers and allows Mark to crawl into bed with him. The second he is under the sheets, Donghyuck presses his cold ass feet to his thigh causing the older to hiss. 

“God how are your feet so fucking cold?” Mark mutters while Donghyuck giggles. Mark puts a hand on top of Donghyuck’s foot and it feels so nice that he almost melts into the contact. 

This time, they actually watch a movie. Donghyuck pulls up Netflix on his TV and they choose some brainless romcom because it’s a Sunday night and Donghyuck is just tired. His head is resting on top of Mark’s chest and he has a hand curled around his ribs. 

Mark’s hand is splayed on Donghyuck’s back and he is rubbing small circles with his thumb. It feels so incredibly nice that Donghyuck starts drifting off to sleep. But when Mark moves a little and his hand suddenly touches Donghyuck bare skin, he freezes. 

_Shit,_ he thinks gripping at Mark’s shirt just a tad, _he’s here for this, for me._

Mark’s hand goes back to rubbing Donghyuck’s back, but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. The tiredness in his body vaporized away and now Donghyuck is left with fired nerve endings. He stays still until the movie ends, but as the credits start rolling he turns his head up to look at the older. 

The rock salt lamp lights Mark’s skin up orange and he looks so good that it hurts Donghyuck’s chest just a bit. Donghyuck’s eyes flick down at Mark’s lips then he leans in just enough to make contact. 

The kiss is barely there. Their lips brush just enough to know that it is happening, but it is so subdued that Donghyuck tries to press up more while Mark stays still. Donghyuck moves his hand from Mark’s chest and brings it to the older’s neck, sinking into the warmer body. 

The hand on Donghyuck’s back moves up, bringing Donghyuck’s shirt with it. He swallows as Mark’s hand dips under his clothes, but doesn’t feel as awful as usual this time around. Donghyuck moves up on his knees and bends into the kiss to try and make it something Mark can feel. 

He breathes through his nose carefully and licks at Mark’s lips for him to open up. Donghyuck brings up a hand to push his own hair behind his ear before placing it on Mark’s face. He feels good right now and that is scaring him a little bit too. 

Mark puts a hand on the back of Donghyuck’s thigh and gets him to straddle the older. Donghyuck gasps into Mark’s mouth, but doesn’t pull away. He knows that he really shouldn’t be doing whatever this is with his roommates in the apartment when they have a: _no loud fucking!!!_ rule. He can be quiet though, he can be whatever Mark _needs_ him to be. 

Donghyuck doesn’t really have a choice. He wants today to happen over and over again, Mark in his apartment and him in his arms, he wants to see him laugh and smile, see him get frustrated and upset so he can kiss it better. Donghyuck wants Mark. 

Mark has to know that and this, this is the only way Donghyuck thinks he could show it. 

So he lets Mark push him down so he is sitting on his lap. He lets Mark sit up so he can throw his shirt off before kissing down Donghyuck’s neck with so much feeling that the younger is drowning in it. He lets Mark take off his shirt and whisper: _you are so gorgeous,_ into his smooth shaven skin as Mark goes down, down, down. 

_Why don’t I feel gorgeous like this,_ Donghyuck thinks while he looks down at Mark who is trancing at Donghyuck’s waistband to his sweatpants. 

“You aren’t hard, again.” Mark’s voice zaps Donghyuck back into reality. He looks down and sees he is definitely not hard and flushes red in utter embarrassment. But Donghyuck is stuck on the way he said it, like he wasn’t angry. Like he was actually _concerned,_ for some reason. 

“I— uh, I can take care of you.” Donghyuck spits out and puts his hands on Mark’s chest. He is shaking, but only just a little bit, it’s enough though that Mark wraps his hands around Donghyuck’s wrists and pulls him off. 

“ _Stop._ You don’t have to.” Mark whispers and lets Donghyuck’s hands flop down to his sides. Donghyuck’s heart starts racing as Mark pushes himself off the bed, leaving a shirtless Donghyuck in crumpled sheets all alone. 

“Mark, please.” _Don’t go,_ Donghyuck _begs_ so Mark sits back down, but his head laying in the palms of his hands. Donghyuck moves ever so slightly towards Mark and lays himself against the older’s back. He puts his chin over his shoulder and kisses the side of Mark’s neck. 

“I know you are hiding from me, and I don’t want to push you, but I— I hope you know you can tell me anything Donghyuck.” Mark says after some time of sitting there letting Donghyuck do whatever he wants. 

And Donghyuck wants to believe Mark, he wants to believe that he would stay here forever just waiting for him, but of course Mark isn’t going to do that. Donghyuck isn’t something worth waiting for when you realize that once you know everything you wanted to know, you are just disappointed. 

Nothing magically gets better when you know, they may even get worse. Donghyuck will still be Donghyuck, so fucked in the head some days that he doesn’t know which way is up or down. 

But Donghyuck wants to believe Mark. He wants to trust Mark, or he at least wants to learn how. So maybe, maybe Donghyuck should try to trust Mark, just for right now, so he does. 

“I know.” Donghyuck murmurs and Mark just nods his head. One step forward. 

Like a week ago, they get ready for bed, but standing side by side with each other. They brush their teeth and wash their faces. Donghyuck makes a comment about wanting to do facemasks with the older one night and Mark promises that he will drive Donghyuck to the store tomorrow if he wants. 

_There’s going to be a tomorrow._

When they go to bed, Donghyuck is curled into Mark’s side this time and sleeps soundly through the night. Well, as soundly as he possibly can.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... so whatcha think? until next time~~
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


	3. you must have been looking for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Donghyuck has the need for drama racing through his blood stream 24/7 because for some God awful reason, he sort of hates how quickly everything went back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone~~ thank you so much for the continuous support! ngl, this section was hard to write, especially the last half. but i am pretty happy with how it turned out. tell me what you think!
> 
> chapter title comes from the song— smoke signals by phoebe bridgers
> 
>  **section warnings** : donghyuck gets drunk to cope with the current situation he is in and mentions of underage drinking.

  


  


Maybe Donghyuck has the need for drama racing through his blood stream 24/7 because for some God awful reason, he sort of hates how quickly everything went back to normal.

At least as normal one day can possibly get. 

Mark and he went to the store the next day after class like promised and bought those animal face masks, a narwhal one for Donghyuck and a tiger one for Mark. Mark went back to his apartment that Monday night, but left Donghyuck with a soft kiss on the cheek and a: _see you tomorrow at lunch,_ on his lips. 

Dinner was fine that night. Everyone sat at the table for once and talked about their days. Donghyuck even laughed (that makes it sound like he never does), but he actually meant it. He was having a good time and everything was nice. Nice with Jaemin and Renjun and Jeno and Mark and maybe not Yukhei, but it would be soon. 

And it was _nice._ It made Donghyuck feel good, that Mark was able to look him in the eye and Donghyuck didn’t want to look away. It meant progress, which is good. 

So why does it feel so not good? 

Donghyuck has never been the one to go absolutely crazy after something traumatic. Some people turn to drinking or drugs, eating too much or eating too little, and everything along those lines. It’s not like Donghyuck was perfect or anything, but most of the time he has always been able to just live through it. 

It’s because he chose to. Donghyuck always made the conscious effort to not spiral, at worst stay in his room days on end and just be alone. But he didn’t want to be a basket case, he didn’t want people to worry because if they did then they would start asking questions he really didn’t want to answer. 

But it’s not like he has ever not wanted to be a mess. There were those days in high school where he would get so angry that he would vow to not speak to anyone that day, but failed after the first period (as it goes, who doesn’t try this at least once). 

However, there were the days when he would take too many painkillers and not care if his kidneys ended up shot to shit. Or the days when he took sleeping pills because he truthfully couldn’t sleep, but maybe took too many of them. 

Or the days where he did drink and definitely drank way too much but didn’t care because no one else cared what he did or didn’t do. 

The days where Donghyuck was all alone even in a crowded room where he was seen, but looked past. Maybe he was something equivalent to a foggy mirror or window; just barely there. 

Donghyuck didn’t have a lot of those days anymore, but the older he got the more careless he had become. There were days when Donghyuck wanted people to worry. 

As if they weren’t worried already.

He went to Sociology in a hoodie that Tuesday. Donghyuck didn’t know if he should have been shocked or not when Yukhei was sitting in his normal seat, but he was. He sat down next to the older and actually pulled out a notebook, but not to take notes. 

Earlier that morning, Donghyuck wrote a small apology letter for last Thursday to push over to Yukhei during class. But because both of them were there already and it was easily 15 minutes before class started, Donghyuck decided to push over the notebook sooner rather than letter. 

_Hey Yukhei-hyung,_

_Uh, I just wanted to say sorry for last Thursday. I acted out of place and was just a complete jackass to you. I hope you can forgive me and we can move on from whatever that was. Thanks for keeping me safe though; I really appreciated it._

_Love you //:_  
_Duckie_

Yukhei spent his time reading the letter and for how long he stayed silent, he probably read it a couple times over. He pushes the notebook back over to Donghyuck quietly and sits in his chair in silence for a minute or two. It was in those few short minutes where Donghyuck actually thought he pushed too far. 

But suddenly there is a hand on his shoulder and Donghyuck is proud to say that he only flinched a tad.

“We’re cool Duckie,” Yukhei says, but it’s somber and it feels like it has been weighing him down more than it has for Donghyuck. “But that doesn’t make up for the fact that I’m worried about you. We all are.”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows draw together: _I’m worried about you. We all are. What does that even mean?_

Yukhei laughs a little under his breath and pushes his hair from his forehead before leaning back in his chair; Donghyuck can see Myungdae looking over at him from this angle so he leans back as well.

“I got a lot of texts over the weekend about you, you know? Jaemin, Renjun, Jeno, even Mark. The first three told me about how you locked yourself in your room and wouldn’t come out. Mark was just confused in general about how you didn’t respond to him after class. They knew I saw you last and wanted to know if I knew anything about it.” He explains and Donghyuck feels his upper body lock up. 

Yukhei must notice this because he puts his hands up in surrender and is quick to continue. 

“I didn’t tell them anything, I swear. Uh, I just said that you felt sick to Renjun who told Jeno and Jaemin.” A blush enters Yukhei’s face when he says Renjun’s name, but Donghyuck is quick to ignore it. 

“What about Mark?” Donghyuck almost demands, but checks himself before he starts going apeshit over nothing. He told Yukhei to not say anything so Donghyuck was in the clear for that at least. Right? 

“Right, about that…” Yukhei starts, but before he can continue their professor is starting class and Donghyuck has to sit there reeling. 

So he pulls out his notebook again and writes: _what did you say?_ Before pushing it over to his friend. 

Yukhei takes it in shaky hands and covers what he is writing. He is clearly struggling to get his thoughts down on paper because Donghyuck doesn’t get the notebook back for the next 10 minutes. Once the older starts pushing back over, Donghyuck is quick to take it from his grasp. 

There are erase marks littering the whole page and some of the lines seem to be completely gone. The handwriting is messy and he can’t tell if it’s because Yukhei is nervous or if he just writes like that. 

But Donghyuck finishes reading it and deems that Yukhei was (is) nervous as shit. And he should be.

_I know you told me not to mention anything to Mark, but I couldn’t not tell him you understand? He’s one of my best friends and I didn’t tell him because I was angry at you. I told him because I’m worried. I’m sorry, but I had to._

Donghyuck slams the notebook closed and it is loud enough to get a couple other students to turn around and give him a death glare. But he truthfully doesn’t give a shit that he is bothering these people’s time because of how fucking angry he is. 

He guesses it was loud enough to travel over to where Myungdae is sitting because the other man just waves at Donghyuck when he looks over. Donghyuck sneers at him before ripping his backpack off the floor and putting his notebook away. 

Donghyuck gets up and does not look at Yukhei because fuck him. Fuck him right? Fuck Yukhei for telling Mark because he specifically asked him _not to_ and this is just a mess. Donghyuck has (had) this under control, what is going to happen when he sees Mark next— 

Wait. 

“When did you tell him?” Donghyuck hisses under his breath and Yukhei looks like he could pass out at any moment. 

“Friday night.” He murmurs and Donghyuck leaves. He leaves his lecture and does not give a single shit on all the material he is missing even though the midterm is only days away. 

_Friday night,_ is being continually screamed in the back of his head: _Friday night, you got one good day. One good day and you can’t even manage that? Friday night, Friday—_

Because Mark fucking knew. Mark knew that Donghyuck had kissed Yukhei right in front of his ex-boyfriend. Mark knew that his ex-boyfriend harassed him even with Yukhei right there. Mark knew his ex-boyfriend called him a plaything. Mark _knew._

Mark knew and said nothing. Not a word, not a peep. Mark just sat there and watched Donghyuck crawl up on him and try to make a home in his fucking ribcage, but instead made a fool out of himself because _he couldn’t get fucking hard—_

Donghyuck doesn’t realize he is in the middle of the _fucking road_ until a car honks at him to get out of the way. He does this, but finds the nearest bench after to sit down and try to figure out what the hell just happened. 

_I know you are hiding from me, and I don’t want to push you, but I— I hope you know you can tell me anything Donghyuck._

Donghyuck laughs to himself before putting an arm over his face. He starts tearing up before he can even try to stop himself. Mark knew and that was him telling Donghyuck he knew. 

God, what an idiot he is for trusting anyone to have his back: _worried my ass,_ Donghyuck thinks while pushing the angry downfall of tears off his cheeks. And he just wants to scream. 

He wants to scream at the top of his lungs, for everyone to hear and see. For someone to look at him and see him. To really see him and see him fall, and drown, and disintegrate, and dwindle. 

But all he can hear is his mother’s voice: _it’s your fault for never saying anything._

Because it is, it is his fault. It’s always been his fault and it will always be his fault. It’s his fault for never showing anything ever because how can someone actually know what is going on in his head if he never says anything out loud?

 _People aren’t mind readers Donghyuck, not even your mother._

Donghyuck sits alone on the bench for a while. He watches the clouds go by and listens to bikers and runners go past him. Students walk by and don’t even blink an eye at the man (who is he kidding, boy) sitting there with red sunken eyes.

Sometimes it’s hard to admit that the world isn’t yours and that you aren’t important in the grand scheme of things. That the world doesn’t orbit around you and your problems. That the things that have happened to us don’t go away no matter how hard we wish them gone. 

That a bad day can come back after a good one. That a good Monday doesn’t mean a good Tuesday will follow. That you are simply just here to be collateral damage. 

Donghyuck gets up from the bench and wipes the pollen off of his jeans. His backpack is heavy on his shoulders, but he is glad he has it because it feels like it is the only thing keeping him down on Earth. 

And he walks. He walks and walks and walks until he makes it off campus and at a nearby liquor store. Donghyuck knows he has his wallet on him that has some cash left over from the last time he went home. 

_Buy that new boyfriend something nice from us,_ his father said, but Donghyuck decided to keep it himself after getting laid off from work. He strolls into the store with his ID and cash out in hand. He grabs some bottles of whatever-the-fuck and puts them on the counter to purchase.

The lady working the register doesn’t seem to care (and why should she) that a 20 something year old is standing in her liquor store at 3PM on a Tuesday. Business is business, no matter how depressing it may be.

Donghyuck leaves with his bottles in separate brown paper bags. He makes his way to the apartment and sits in the parking garage stairwell. Donghyuck is a fucking lightweight and he knows he wouldn’t be able to get all the way back to the apartment piss drunk.

So call him destructive or whatever, but at least he doesn’t have an actual death wish. 

He pops up the first bottle and takes a gulp, the alcohol burns long enough for him to realize that he grabbed a fucking fifth of tequila. Sadly, one of his favorites. Sure he doesn’t have salt or a lime, but it will get the job done and then some. 

So Donghyuck leans against the stairwell heater and drinks his Tuesday away. If his friends and anyone else actually wants to worry then _fuck them,_ Donghyuck will give them something to worry about. 

He will give them something to _talk_ about.

And he didn’t mean to fall asleep. Honestly, that was the last thing Donghyuck wanted to do. Who hell wants to sleep in a fucking stairwell? No one who actually has a real place to live, especially in that building.

But he fell asleep, didn’t even realize it until someone was shaking him on the shoulders. Donghyuck blinks himself awake and everything is tilted. Oh shit, he is on his side, that’s crazy.

There is a booming voice and Donghyuck moves to cover his ears, but is stopped by a bottle that is somehow still in his grasp. He blinks at the fluorescent light that is directly in his line of sight. And everything hurts, a lot. He feels like he got hit by a car or got shitfaced.

 _Oh fuck,_ he thinks and giggles into his sweatshirt sleeve before hiccuping, _I am shitfaced._

“It’s a fucking Tuesday? Why is he drunk on a Tuesday?” The voice basically shrieks and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. It makes Donghyuck’s insides squeeze and God, if he throws up on the stairs _again_ he is so going to get kicked out. 

“Y- Yo, can you, uh, can you keep it down?” Donghyuck mutters out, but his voice is garbled due to intense cottonmouth. He puts a hand up to block the light out and finally see who is fucking talking so loud— 

“Jeno!” Donghyuck positively screams then groans at his own voice. He moves to stand up, but falls over on himself. Before he can actually fall down the stairs, someone is grabbing his waist and helping him stand straight. 

He hugs his friend and is able to see a pissed off Renjun over his shoulder. He makes grabby hands at the older who just huffs before pulling out his phone. 

Donghyuck doesn’t know what the fuck he is doing and doesn’t care because Jeno feels so nice and warm. He tucks his head into the crook of his friend’s shoulder and nuzzles into his body heat. 

For some reason Jeno seems stiff and it bothers Donghyuck. Why the fuck is he so stuck up? Who let him do that? It isn’t fair.

“Yeah we found him. He’s fucking plastered— He’s fine Jaemin, just drunk— I know I know that’s what I said to, on a Tuesday really? Oh he got into a fight with Yukehi-hyung. That’s weird— Uh, maybe Mark shouldn’t come back here. Duckie is like, really out of it—” Renjun rambles over the phone, but Donghyuck only clues in when he hears Mark’s name.

“M- Mark! I wanna see Mark.” Donghyuck pouts and Jeno just rubs his back in response. 

Renjun and Jeno trade some soft words with each other and Donghyuck is pissed he can’t hear them. But understands that they were just talking about _going home,_ because Jeno is basically carrying Donghyuck out of the stairwell and into the lobby of the apartment building.

And Donghyuck stumbles over himself at least half a dozen times, but his two friends and he make it into the elevator. He makes a comment about the elevator not even moving, but suddenly it dings that they are on the fifth floor and Donghyuck almost squeals in excitement. 

“How did it even get here if we weren’t moving?” He asks Jeno who is dragging him to the apartment. His friend doesn’t answer, but waits as Renjun unlocks the door. 

Once the door is open and they make their way inside, Donghyuck is firmly placed on a chair at the kitchen table. Renjun tells him not to move so of course he kicks his shoes off and puts his feet up on the table because drunk Donghyuck says: _fuck authority._

Jeno walks in with a cup of water and forces it into Donghyuck’s hand. This gets Donghyuck wondering where the fuck his alcohol went, but low and behold, it is in Renjun’s tiny fists. The older puts the bottles on display on top of the kitchen counter before Jeno and him seek shelter in the kitchen. 

Donghyuck whines about being left alone, but stops when he hears the front door click open. He first sees Jaemin who looks like a hot mess, but Donghyuck’s attention is pulled to the next person who walks in. 

“Mark!” He screams and kicks his feet off of the table, but the other boy moves faster and reaches Donghyuck before he can even move to get up from his chair. He is kneeling in front of Donghyuck and the younger has a hard time looking down without almost falling over. 

Mark doesn’t answer him; instead, his palms are on Donghyuck’s cheeks and he's moving the younger’s head around for some odd reason. Donghyuck thinks Mark mutters: _I’m so glad you aren’t hurt,_ but he can’t tell because everything is still quite fuzzy.

Mark moves his head enough for Donghyuck to look past him and meet Jaemin’s eyes. His friend looks like smudged ink, but he can tell that Jaemin’s been crying due to the splotchy red spots on his face.

Donghyuck tilts his head in question. Why would Jaemin be crying?

“We were looking everywhere for you,” Jaemin breaths out, but it's cut short with a dry sob. “Donghyuck you can’t just do that. You didn’t tell us where you were. I had no clue what happened. I didn’t know— I didn’t know if you were _okay._ ” 

Jaemin leans back against the front door and slides down it. His head is tucked into his elbow and he is just shaking like crazy. Donghyuck looks from a distance as Jeno and Renjun go over to try and calm down their friend. Renjun looks back over at Donghyuck and has a look on his face similar to disgust. 

It makes Donghyuck’s stomach drop. But his attention is pulled away by the squeeze of his hand. Right, Mark, in front of him. Donghyuck looks down and he can feel his bottom lip tremble when he sees that even Mark is sort of close to tears. 

“What’s going on with you?” Mark asks and Donghyuck, wow, he breathes out a startled noise pointed towards the question. 

“Jaemin called me panicked because you didn’t come home. We called Yukhei and he told us you guys got into a fight then you stormed out of class? We had— had no clue where you were and if you were okay. We were so _worried_ about you.”

 _Worried,_ past tense. _Yukhei,_ right.

 _Mark knew._

Donghyuck shakes off Mark’s hand like it burnt him. He pulls his legs up from the floor and puts his knees to his chest. Mark looks at him stunned and even his friends by the door are looking at him. Donghyuck must be vibrating because Mark tries to put his hands on his biceps, but Donghyuck has had enough. 

“Don’t touch me!” Donghyuck screams and it startles Mark because he falls straight on his ass. He looks up at Donghyuck with wide eyes, but they aren’t filled with fear, but utter confusion. 

“Don’t— don’t touch me.” _God, I’m so fucking hammered right now._ Donghyuck’s head is spinning and his ears hurt, his eyes hurt, everything hurts. His heart hurts. 

“You knew,” Donghyuck whispers this time, barely looking over his knees where his eye contact with Mark becomes almost dangerous. “You knew and you didn’t say anything.” 

“What the fuck is he talking about—” Renjun starts, but Jaemin puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him from saying anything further. 

Mark continues to stare at Donghyuck. He can see the older’s Adam’s apple move aggressively as he swallows down word after word. Donghyuck has never liked eye contact, but he could do this all day, well drunk him could at least. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I knew,” Mark murmurs back and Donghyuck feels like he got slapped in the face. “I knew that this _fucking creep_ came on to you and you got scared. Yeah, you kissed Yukhei, but it’s because you didn’t know what to do.”

Renjun’s face pales and Jeno is rubbing his friend’s back as they listen. Jaemin stays quiet and Donghyuck wants to go to bed. He wants to sleep and never wants to wake up. This is too hard, talking is too hard and there are so many people listening and so much is happening— 

Donghyuck doesn’t want to cry. Donghyuck hasn’t cried in front of anyone in years. He can’t even remember the last time he cried in front of Jaemin who he should be able to at any point of any day. 

Renjun and Jeno have never seen Donghyuck close to tears. It reminds him of all the people who used to call him _heartless_ in middle school, all the kids who joked about Donghyuck not being able to feel. 

It reminds him of all the people who called him a _crybaby_ in elementary school because he would be the kid to cry over a bird with a broken wing or after receiving a bad test grade, all the kids who joked about Donghyuck feeling too much.

It reminds Donghyuck how he has never been good enough. How he’s never been emotionally valuable due to being afraid that he would feel too much. How he’s never been physically valuable due to being afraid that he would feel not enough. 

Maybe he truly has the need for drama, and fear, and hurt (so much _fucking_ hurt) racing through his blood stream 24/7 because even though he doesn’t want to cry, he does want to. 

So he does. 

Donghyuck lets out a gut wrenching sob that causes all eyes on him to water. He puts a hand to his lips to try and push his pained moans back into his mouth like they never existed. But once the first one is out, the rest come tumbling into the open. 

“If you were all so _worried_ then why didn’t you say anything.” Donghyuck wails. He feels like he is falling, like everything in him is being turned inside out and he can’t stop. 

“Why didn’t you _say anything?_ Why— why did you _leave me all alone?_ Why am I always so fucking alone?” He asks between gasps of air that seem to leave his lungs too fast. 

He doesn’t even realize his friends by the door are now next to him. Jeno laying his head on the back of Donghyuck’s neck as he rocks him back and forth. Renjun is by Donghyuck’s collapsed legs and just leaning against him like his life depends on it. Mark’s head buried into Donghyuck’s lap. 

Jaemin stands in front of Donghyuck as he sobs, screams, and mourns every little thing he has gone through. Openly grieving into the air like his soul has left his body like an unlatched casket. And maybe it’s because Donghyuck is drunk, but it seems to last for hours. His friends surrounding him as he lets it all out, lets it all go. 

Mark carries him to bed and changes his clothes because Donghyuck asked him to. He stays at the edge of the bed until Donghyuck falls into a fitful sleep, but asleep nevertheless. Only then does he leave to find the rest of them sitting at the kitchen table.

Silence wraps around them and it’s suffocating. Renjun and Jeno are pointedly looking at Jaemin for answers, but never say the words. They are too afraid to and Mark doesn’t blame them. 

Mark sits where Donghyuck was and even though he sat there for hours, it feels cold to the touch. Jaemin is sitting in front of him and Mark takes his time looking around literally everywhere before making eye contact. 

“What happened?” Mark asks and he can see Jeno hold his breath at the question, but how could Mark not ask? They all know Jaemin holds the answers, they all know Jaemin _knows._

Only then does Jaemin let himself cry, and that’s when Mark knows he isn’t getting any answers tonight.

  


  


Donghyuck started dating Haneul around seven months after breaking up with Myungdae. He even refers to Haneul as his first boyfriend (most of the time), deciding that he wanted to bury Myungdae under six feet of memories of the other. 

And yeah, Haneul, the same guy that Jaemin had a crush on. The one that was there that night Myungdae— yeah, that one. 

It’s a funny story, really. Jaemin and Haneul did date for like a month, before mutually breaking up. Jaemin told Donghyuck that he just: _didn’t feel it as much as he should have,_ once they were together which is fine, that happens to the best of us. 

What Donghyuck didn’t expect was to be the one in Haneul sights after. You know the whole ‘bros before hoes’ thing and all. Haneul was sweet, really sweet, but Jaemin dated him and Donghyuck wasn’t interested. But more so, Jaemin and Donghyuck weren’t really getting on well. 

Jaemin started drinking a lot and with him being younger than Donghyuck, it stressed the older out a lot. All in good reason too because Jaemin kept sneaking out at night with these strangers, partying until God knows when, and sneaking back in the house right under his parents’ noses. What the hell was Donghyuck supposed to think?

 _A little teenage rebel hasn’t hurt anyone,_ fuck no. It’s hurt basically everyone. 

Donghyuck’s thoughts were always working overtime: _what if Jaemin got hurt and no one knew where he was?_ It kept Donghyuck up every weekend. He didn’t want his friend to get hurt, but who was he to stop Jaemin’s fun? That’s clearly what the younger thought anyway because it’s what they fought for every single Goddamn day. 

And even through all of this, Jaemin still swore up and down that it was fine for Donghyuck to pursue Haneul, but it still didn’t sit right in Donghyuck’s chest. However, Haneul was determined to say the least. 

Haneul and Donghyuck had Biology, not together, but in two neighboring classrooms during the same period (right after lunch aka the worst period). Donghyuck didn’t even notice Haneul wanted to talk to him until he realized the other would get to his class first and wait outside, wait for Donghyuck. 

So in true Donghyuck style, he ignored Haneul for the first month of this. At this point, Donghyuck was sort of on the ‘I hate men’ agenda and Haneul being a guy ruined the whole crush thing for Donghyuck at the time. 

But like Donghyuck said, Haneul stayed determined while also being distant. He never pushed Donghyuck to speak with him, but always offered a soft: _hello,_ accompanied with a wave and smile. 

And that was enough for Donghyuck. Their conversations started to roll off into how much Donghyuck hated Biology (he was way more into music) and Haneul would cling on to every word that left his mouth. But things started to change once Donghyuck found himself being interested in what Haneul would say back. 

There was one day where Donghyuck got to his class and looked up from his phone to see Haneul’s face clear of all the freckles that would normally litter his face. Haneul laughed at Donghyuck’s slightly disturbed reaction and told him one of his friends put foundation all over his face during lunch. 

Dare Donghyuck say he looked cute, but it wouldn’t take a lot out of him to cave and really, _really_ think about how cute he did look. He had a button nose and soft cheekbones that made Donghyuck’s heart sadly swoon, but you didn’t hear that from him. 

Donghyuck learned that Haneul was on the track team _and_ the football team mostly because he would always wear stupid shirts that had TRACK or FOOTBALL plastered on them in big letters. Haneul wasn’t a big built guy, but could hold his own with his massive thighs and strong arms. 

Haneul was just very normal, very boyish, but _very_ kind and Donghyuck could easily tell that he was simply nothing like Myungdae. 

It was easy for Donghyuck to try and compare every person he met to Myungdae after he left him. He tried not to, but it was _almost_ out of his control. Donghyuck blamed it on the feral need for self-preservation, but he truly knew it was rather the looming fear that was cast over his body and soul like a grim reaper.

Whatever was going on between the two of them, Donghyuck knew it was a slow burn for himself. He honestly wanted to stay friends with Haneul more than anything because he was finally getting used to trusting another boy again. He liked where Haneul and he stood, but there was something in Haneul’s eyes that led Donghyuck down a long and winding road.

There were so many opportunities for Donghyuck to put his foot down and say: _no this isn’t happening, we should just stay friends._ But with how wide Haneul would smile at him for cracking a stupid joke, Donghyuck just pretended he got distracted. 

However the more he pulled towards Haneul, the farther away he drifted from Jaemin. It was troublesome and it hurt somewhere deep inside of Donghyuck because he blamed himself for their failing friendship. That whatever happened at Jaemin’s house that night with Myungdae ruined this perfect bubble they had surrounding their friendship and well, it wasn’t Donghyuck’s fault but it sort of was too. 

After a couple months of standing outside of classrooms like idiots and rushing into them like bigger idiots when the bell rang, Donghyuck finally gave Haneul his phone number. It was funny how Myungdae used to demand answers from Donghyuck the second he sent a message, but Haneul would only send silly memes to him with a note also attached to it, saying: _I thought this would make you laugh._

Haneul was always good at that, making Donghyuck laugh. There were times when he would walk into class with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard that it worried some of his group members he sat with to do class experiments. Donghyuck always had to wave them off while he giggled into his closed fist

There was something so freeing about being around Haneul, Donghyuck realized. Donghyuck wasn’t afraid to be around him and even more important, he wasn’t afraid to be near him. Haneul was so simple and that is what caused Donghyuck’s heart to start racing again.

Nearing the end of the school year, Donghyuck ended up inviting Haneul to his house to work on an English project. 

Sure they were in completely different classes and Haneul didn’t actually have to do the project (but that was a secret at the time); Donghyuck just wanted to have an excuse to hang out with him alone and to see if he still felt okay in a new environment. 

And he did. It took Donghyuck’s breath away on how easy it was to be with Haneul, sitting on his living room couch and just watching Netflix (RIP his English project). When Haneul left, Donghyuck closed the front door and put his back against the door before looking at his mom with rose dusted cheeks. His mom? Actually squealing.

“You like him Duckie!” She said joyfully, causing his blush to reach all the way to his ears. Mostly because she wasn’t wrong. 

So when Haneul finally asked Donghyuck to meet him by a particular tree on campus so he could ask Donghyuck out officially, his heart positively fell out of his chest and onto the concrete ground. 

Because Donghyuck liked Haneul, he couldn’t argue against it anymore. He couldn’t argue with his mom anymore when she always cooed at him for smiling at his phone when texting Haneul. He couldn’t argue with his father anymore about how stupid he looked when smiling at a photo Haneul took. 

Donghyuck _wanted_ to like him, and that was new. 

But maybe what had Donghyuck’s heart leaning off a cliff was how Haneul asked him _if it was okay_ for him to ask Donghyuck out. He actually asked Donghyuck that, like who does that? How did Haneul know that Donghyuck _needed_ that?

When it finally came to the time Haneul was going to ask Donghyuck, something heavy settled in his stomach. He watched Haneul jog towards him, sweaty from track, but burning bright in the spring sun. 

_Am I actually doing this? Is this the right thing to do? He is the right one? Can I trust him? I just got out of one cage, why am I crawling into another one? Can I trust him? Can I trust him—_

But Haneul’s smile was all he could see and all he could feel. Haneul took Donghyuck’s small hand into his and Donghyuck felt he could cry. Because Haneul looked at Donghyuck like he was beautiful and Myungdae never looked at him like that. 

“Yes, I’ll— I’ll go out with you.” _He won’t cage me in, Haneul wouldn’t do that to me._

_I trust him, but do I trust myself?_

Their first date was the first day of summer and they decided to go see the new Avengers movie (which was Age of Ultron at the time). Haneul’s mom was the one to drive them because Donghyuck still didn’t have his license; it was a work in progress, but honestly Donghyuck was just shit at parking.

And yes, all Donghyuck could think about was how this is the second time he has been in the car with his soon to be boyfriend and his mother. And yes, did it hang over his head like a knife on a rotten string ready to fall, but he tried to not pay attention to it. 

But Haneul’s mom was also really nice. She asked Donghyuck so many questions and it didn’t feel rushed or heavy, she sounded like she really wanted to know more about Donghyuck and it made the car ride a lot easier. 

Haneul paid for the movie and Donghyuck paid for the snacks. They sat in the back of the movie theater with popcorn, sodas, and candies. And Donghyuck didn’t feel nervous, not even when Haneul’s dumbass pulled that shitty yawn-while-putting-your-arm-around-your-date move out during the middle of the movie. 

Donghyuck found it endearing, he found everything Haneul did endearing because he could tell Haneul was nervous. Like _actually_ nervous. 

They held hands in the car on the way back to Haneul’s house. Donghyuck decided to go over after the movie ended to watch some TV and just hang out with the other. They watched SpongeBob side by side and talked about whatever came to mind. They held hands on the couch too. 

Donghyuck played with his dog Sammie and learned that Sammie was born in Japan. He learned that Haneul moved around a lot during his childhood due to his dad being in the military. Donghyuck learned that this was the first time he tried dating someone because he wasn’t afraid of leaving anyone behind. 

And he also learned that Haneul never kissed anyone before, not even Jaemin. When Donghyuck got a text from his mom who came to pick him up, he felt Haneul’s fingers grab his wrist ever so lightly. Haneul looked like he was going to shit himself. He was so nervous and it made Donghyuck feel weird. 

He never thought he would be someone worth getting nervous about. 

Donghyuck put Haneul’s hands on his waist and he cupped the other’s cheeks. He watched Haneul’s eyes flutter closed while Donghyuck’s eyes stayed open. He gave the other the softest of pecks before threading his fingers into Haneul’s hair and kissing him for real. 

It only lasted seconds, but it felt like a century. It caused Donghyuck’s toes to curl in his shoes and smile against the other’s lips when he felt joy race through his blood. When he finally pulled away, Haneul gave him the biggest smile and Donghyuck never realized how much Haneul actually liked him until that moment. 

Haneul actually _liked_ Donghyuck, and somehow that’s when everything went downhill. 

When Donghyuck got home that day, he rushed out of the car and into his bathroom before throwing himself over the toilet. He vomited everything in his stomach, all the popcorn, soda, and candy. His mom yelled after him, asking if he was okay which he replied with a stiff, but sturdy: _yes,_ even though it sort of felt like the end of the world. 

Donghyuck didn’t know how to be liked, and that scared him. 

They dated for six months and Donghyuck can say that he was happy for the majority of the time. Haneul was good to him, but better than that, he was good _for_ him and it gave Donghyuck whiplash. 

Donghyuck never blamed himself for what happened with Myungdae because it wasn’t his fault. But he never realized how much he still affected him until he was in another relationship. 

Donghyuck never felt like he deserved Haneul. Haneul was always the level-headed of the two, he always listened to Donghyuck when he would complain about Jaemin all the way to the point where Donghyuck and Jaemin weren’t even talking anymore. 

Haneul was always the positive one. He always asked Donghyuck each and every day how his day was and wanted to know how, when, or why Donghyuck was down on himself. He never made Donghyuck feel like a burden, and he didn’t need to because Donghyuck did that all by himself. 

He always paid attention to Donghyuck; Haneul always knew what he was into at the time and gave him gifts of things he thought the older would enjoy. Haneul’s favorite gift to give him were candles. Donghyuck remembers a Tumblr post Haneul sent him about a candle that smells exactly how a man should and actually bought him it (Mountain Lodge by Yankee Candle by the way). 

It was scented with soft pine, it made you feel like you were surrounded by acres and acres of flush green forest even in a tiny bedroom like Donghyuck’s. It felt Haneul was in the room too, wrapped around him like a safety blanket. And Donghyuck _loved_ that candle and demanded another when he burnt it out. 

Donghyuck and Haneul even went to Homecoming together. Haneul asked him with a small bouquet of white roses in one hand and the other hand holding Donghyuck’s favorite tea with: _will you go to Homecoming with me Q-Tea?_ written on it. 

Donghyuck tackled him in a massive hug and said yes at least a thousand times over. 

Homecoming was different that year. Donghyuck wasn’t as scared as he was with Myungdae because unlike going to Homecoming just the two of them, Haneul and he went with a group of friends. They ate pizza before the dance and Donghyuck was able to eat half of one himself.

It was fun, it was nice, it was exactly what Donghyuck hoped for himself since the first one. He didn’t feel like he needed to scrub himself raw in the shower that night. He felt clean. 

And he didn’t know why he felt _dirty_ at that thought, of being clean. It was almost as if he didn’t think he deserved it. That Donghyuck didn’t deserve the good things anymore after having the bad ones. 

But long story short, Donghyuck never felt worthy to have Haneul in his life and it overall sucked because it only got worse the longer they were together. 

Donghyuck did end up telling Haneul what happened to him while he was dating Myungdae. The only reason why he did though was because Haneul had started giving Donghyuck cues that he wanted to get more, uh, _active,_ in their relationship.

Haneul was a greater listener through the whole thing. He let Donghyuck take his time and rubbed his thumb over Donghyuck’s knuckle each time he became silent. Once Donghyuck finally muscled through the whole story (took him around 2 hours), Haneul was thoroughly pissed. 

However, Donghyuck thinks it is mostly due to the fact that Haneul was actually there when it happened, but he had no idea until right then. That it ended up happening right under Haneul’s nose only a feet away. 

He told Donghyuck that he would wait for Donghyuck until he was comfortable sharing himself with him. It was fine at first, but the longer Haneul waited, the more antsy Donghyuck got. Because Haneul wasn’t going to wait forever, right? So Donghyuck started opening himself up more, letting Haneul’s lips tremble down his neck and pretended he was okay with it. 

Donghyuck liked Haneul and this what couples do, this was what you do when you like someone. 

It wasn’t hard to pretend for the most part because Donghyuck actually had feelings for Haneul unlike Myungdae. He _really_ liked Haneul and he _really_ liked his family. Donghyuck could even say he _loved_ Haneul at some point, but it was a fleeting emotion that he kept locked under key. 

Donghyuck wanted to continue going to the movies with his family, he wanted to go to his sister’s birthday party, and hold his dog in his arms. He wanted to be wrapped around Haneul’s pinkie finger for as long as he could hold on. 

There were even points where he thought Haneul could possibly be _the One,_ as crazy as it sounds. 

But Donghyuck felt so incredibly insecure in their relationship; he always felt like he was taking more than he was giving even though Haneul never voiced any concern of Donghyuck not carrying his own weight. 

They never fought once as shocking as it is. Haneul never said a damn thing, he only praised and praised and praised Donghyuck until he was swimming in it. 

It wasn’t until Donghyuck finally realized the reason why he wanted to break up with Haneul that he put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. Donghyuck was the one to trap himself in a cage. It was he himself that built up an impossible barrier between him and Haneul that he couldn’t climb. 

Donghyuck built up his distrust towards Haneul all on his own. He made himself not trust Haneul because he couldn’t bear the idea of being vulnerable in front of anyone anymore. Donghyuck couldn’t bear the idea of being submissive because at that point, that was all he knew he could be in a relationship to make his significant other happy. 

He didn’t realize how not ready he was for a relationship like this until he was in it, collapsing under the pressure of needing to be a good boyfriend and having a sketchy moral code to stand by. Donghyuck just couldn’t do it anymore. 

But of course he didn’t say that when he broke up with Haneul. However, Donghyuck also didn’t exactly lie either, he just left the most critical information out. 

He told Haneul that it wasn’t working out and that he really thinks it would be best to just be friends. Donghyuck didn’t realize the weight of his words at the time, but he would in the future. 

It hurt Donghyuck to do that. If anyone ever tells you that you can’t be sad when you were the one to end a relationship, you can tell that person to fuck off immediately. Because it hurt Donghyuck more than anything. 

Haneul became his best friend, his pillar of strength, and what he thought about every waking moment. Donghyuck wanted to reach out to be friends, but he didn’t want to push Haneul into something he wasn’t comfortable with. 

But by the time Haneul was ready to be friends again, Donghyuck’s guilt had eaten him down to the bone. 

As the days went one, the worse Donghyuck felt. He couldn’t look Haneul in the eye because of how awful it made him feel. Donghyuck felt gross, like a coward for not telling Haneul the truth because one day, he overheard some people talking about him. 

They were whispering about how Haneul never believed Donghyuck loved him which is absolutely incorrect. Donghyuck almost attacked those people for even trying to say that because there was no way Haneul actually thought that. 

Donghyuck loved him with his whole (okay half) heart, he loved him so much that he let Haneul go to find someone better, someone willing to show him that he loved him. 

Donghyuck couldn’t give Haneul what he wanted. He couldn’t touch him or let himself be touched and Haneul needed that to be happy. Donghyuck couldn’t make him happy so what else was he supposed to do?

It was actually Jaemin who beat the shit out of him for thinking that. By the time Donghyuck broke up with Haneul, they were starting to rekindle their friendship by talking again. When Donghyuck finally confessed why he _actually_ broke up with him to Jaemin, the younger absolutely lost his mind. 

“Why did you choose what would make him happy? Duckie, Haneul loved you like you were the reason why there were stars in the sky. He would have listened to you about everything you were worried about. He would’ve stood by you until you figured it out. _You could have talked it out._ ” Jaemin went on and on and on about it for weeks, which naturally made Donghyuck feel worse. 

_You could have talked it out._

And as the years slowly ticked forward, the more Donghyuck understood the impact of the mistake he made. How Jaemin was right. How Donghyuck and Haneul could have talked it out, but because Donghyuck couldn’t see past himself and his fear of his own emotions, the concept of talking it out never crossed his mind. 

He thought he was doing Haneul a favor leaving him. But when Haneul picked up a new boyfriend who only smoked weed and dropped out of high school, Donghyuck’s heart stumbled over itself. 

Donghyuck was never doing a favor leaving Haneul, he was doing himself a favor and Haneul became collateral damage because of it. 

Haneul started doing worse in school from what Donghyuck heard. He stopped playing football after tearing his knee up then got addicted to opioids when trying to ease the pain his knee caused him. 

By graduation, Haneul had barely managed to get there while Donghyuck was in the top 10 percent of his class with a full scholarship to go off to college. 

He somehow became a heavy drinker and would show up late to work drunk off his ass. Donghyuck learned that he got kicked out of the house during the middle of the night when his parents deemed him too far gone. 

Now, Donghyuck is in the top 3 percent at the business college he is enrolled in and Haneul isn’t even going to college, rather he works in construction. One of Donghyuck’s old high school friends still sees Haneul once a week and one day texted him to tell Donghyuck how _angry and unhappy_ Haneul has become. 

And Donghyuck blames himself for it. 

He knows he shouldn’t, but it is almost comical to see how Haneul’s life slipped out of his own fingers the second Donghyuck left him. It was like Donghyuck was the only thing keeping him together. 

But because he was so selfish and couldn’t see past all the shit Myungdae put in his head and all the fear built up in him, Donghyuck ruined a man’s life. He played Haneul and he dragged him along in his stupid fucked up world without even realizing it until it was too late. 

All because Haneul never believed Donghyuck loved him. All because Donghyuck couldn’t bear his heart to the other. 

So maybe at the end of all of this, Haneul got covered by Myungdae’s shadow and was simply out-shined. It’s embarrassing to remember it, being the reason why a whole man’s life started spiralling out of control. Donghyuck never thought he mattered enough to do that to someone. 

But when he thinks of all the trauma Myungdae has caused him, Donghyuck realizes that he shouldn’t be able to hold the grasp he does over him. 

He wonders if this is the reason why Taehyeong walked into his life, simply to give Donghyuck the taste of his own medicine; _punishment._

And Donghyuck wonders if he is Haneul’s Myungdae.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... that's one way to end a chapter lmao. until next time~~
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


	4. tell me when you hear my silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The equivalent of giving in (okay, maybe more like giving up) for Donghyuck is the action of packing up all his shit and going back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends! i’m so excited for everyone to read this chapter. i can confidently say it is some of my best writing and it is easily my favorite chapter so far in the story. i hope you guys enjoy it as much as i do!!!!
> 
> chapter title comes from the song— possibility by lykke li
> 
>  **section warnings:** i… don’t think there are any warnings??? wow.

  


  


The equivalent of giving in (okay, maybe more like giving up) for Donghyuck is the action of packing up all his shit and going back home. 

So that is just what he does. After his meltdown (mental breakdown?) on Tuesday night, sleep was coming to Donghyuck in small 15 minute waves. Along with having his sleep schedule slowly become a dumpster fire, he couldn’t look his roommates in the eye.

Maybe it is because of the sheer embarrassment that has flooded into Donghyuck every time he tries, or the idea that they will never look at him the same way again that keeps Donghyuck’s head pressed down. He has seen so many ‘new stains’ on the carpet due to his lack of eye contact that it is sort of starting to gross him out. 

Even looking at Jaemin had become a struggle mostly because the younger also didn’t want to look at him. It was weird to have the feeling be mutual; just because Donghyuck didn’t want to look at anyone doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be looked at. 

If that makes sense? 

Don’t even get Donghyuck started about Mark. By the time he woke up Wednesday morning with the hangover of the century and his alarm sounding off like an airhorn, Mark was long gone. 

Jaemin muttered that he left late Tuesday night before leaving the apartment to go to class. Donghyuck, however, didn’t even bother to go. What work would he even be able to get done other than drooling over his notes. Rather he popped some painkillers on an empty stomach and passed out once again.

That night, he packed his clothes and blankets into a small suitcase. Donghyuck pulled a book from his bookshelf and threw it in along with his toiletries even though he knows he won’t get around to reading it. He pulled up bus tickets on his laptop and bought one for the next day without a second thought. 

After the nightmare he caused yesterday, Donghyuck didn’t leave until Thursday afternoon after he was able to inform everyone (and he means _everyone_ ) of his departure to take his sorry ass home, but just for the weekend. 

Jeno and Renjun were the only ones home when Donghyuck rolled his suitcase out. They sent him off with a squeeze on the shoulder and a side hug. However, Jaemin and Mark only got a text message. 

**To: mom 2.0**  
17:21: going home for the weekend. text me if you need anything. 

**To: mark lee (aka the loml)**  
17:22: hey… i’m gonna be back home for the next couple days.

When Donghyuck decided to take the bus home, it was simply because he wanted more time to be alone. He knows that if he asked his mom or dad to pick him up, they would have, but that defeated the purpose of wanting time to breathe. Donghyuck took the bus home. 

It took him easily another 45 minutes longer to get back this way, and when he told his mom he was gonna catch the bus home she just sent a text back with multiple question marks attached to it. 

He responded with a curt: _i’ll tell you when i’m home,_ and she dropped the conversation right there which he was thankful for. She asked if there was anything he wanted to do while he was back home, but all he could think about was sleeping in his bed. It’s a piece of shit and his bed at school is so much better, but sleep always came easier in his parent’s house. As easy as breathing. 

He was hoping this time would be no different and that he could finally get the goodnight’s rest he deserved after a troubling couple weeks. 

The skyline was dusted with yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples. He knew that the pollution from the city was the cause of these beautiful views, but sometimes awful things can be cherished too. In the distance, the distinct sound of waves crashing filled Donghyuck with warm nostalgia. 

He dozed off with his AirPods in his ears; he awoke to the bus horn going off to signal their arrival. The sky is now a dirty shade of gray due to clouds rolling in quickly after his eyes shut. 

_I should’ve checked the weather,_ Donghyuck thinks while rubbing away his fitful sleep from his eyes. 

He puts his AirPods away in their case and throws them in his jacket pocket. Donghyuck quickly checks his phone to see if his parents were at the bus stop to pick him up. The lock screen shows a text from his mother five minutes ago, saying: _we R here!!!_

But he also sees that he got two replies from Jaemin and Mark. 

**From: mom 2.0**  
18:36: i think i should be good. see you when you get back <3

 **From: mark lee (aka loml)**  
19:01: oh okay. tell me when you get home? safe travels. 

Donghyuck locks his phone and puts it in his back jean pocket. He gets up from his seat and cracks his back in the process. Donghyuck pulls his suitcase down from the holder above his seat then waddles his way down the aisle with it between his legs. He exits the bus with a jump and isn’t even 5 feet from the door when his mom throws herself on to him. 

“There’s my baby.” She whispers into his ear, hugging him close while his father grabs his suitcase. She smells like home: lavender, honey, and clean laundry. 

“Hi mom.” Donghyuck responds and he hopes he can hide the wave of emotions that hit him when he sees her face. She looks older and Donghyuck can’t even imagine when that happened. 

He wonders if this is what it felt like to come home after war. Soldiers just barely hold on as they are taken across the country and are dropped off at their homes. Each of them embracing their families and feeling the warmth of them finally crack open all the trauma built after years of thinking they would never survive long enough to get this back. 

_Did they see this as giving in,_ Donghyuck asks himself as he lets his mother basically carry him to the car that is only yards away. 

_Or did they see it as gathering up the hope they had left behind?_

The car ride home is short, but quiet. They live just miles away from the bus station, near the beach shores that his dad and mom used to surf when Donghyuck was a baby. 

He watches his father take his mother’s hand into his and holds it even while driving. Donghyuck can remember the times where his mom used to yell at his dad for doing this, but right now, she just holds it like she never will be able to again. 

His dad parks in the garage and Donghyuck crawls out of the car before making his way into the house. He takes in the smell of his childhood home and wraps it around his tired form. 

For some reason Donghyuck waits at the opening of the kitchen for his dog to come curve the corner to greet him until he remembers Max passed away a few years ago. That’s when he realizes how exhausted he really is. 

He makes his way to his bedroom and flops down face first on the bed. The navy blue sheets swallow him whole and Donghyuck never wants to move ever again. He can hear his dad put his suitcase down at the entrance of the room, but he is quick to leave and let Donghyuck be alone. 

His parents have always been good at leaving Donghyuck alone. He can remember all the times where his friends would complain about having family game nights or day trip adventures that they simply hated because it wasn’t ‘cool’. Donghyuck never had that and it didn’t bother him. 

However, it made their family dynamic very weird compared to everyone else's. Donghyuck sort of feels like he grew up in isolation, not really connected with or to his mother and father. It just felt like he lived with two independent people, him being the third. 

Being independent was like one of the 10 fucking commandments in their household. If you couldn’t do it on your own then learn how to. 

It’s not like his parents didn’t love each other or him, they just did it silently. Their love has always been shadowed over with work, school, and the occasional obsession his mom had. Donghyuck can remember only a handful of times where he heard his parents say: _I love you,_ without him having to initiate it. 

Donghyuck falls asleep quickly, in his day clothes and the ceiling fan light on. When he wakes up, he sees that the hallway is dark meaning his parents have already gone to bed. So he goes back to sleep (with pajamas on this time) and doesn’t bother to set an alarm.

But he does finally remember to do one thing.

 **To: mark lee (aka loml)**  
01:11: made it home a couple hours ago. 

He wakes up later than he normally would if he was at school, but it still is a little weird that neither his mom or dad tried to wake him up. Normally when Donghyuck came home, his father would wake him up at the asscrack of dawn to go grab a cup of coffee together and bring breakfast back home for mom. Today Donghyuck was yet again left alone. 

He walks out of his room and welcomes his family with a yawn stretching across his face. His mom greets him with a: _good morning,_ from the couch while his father just smiles at him before looking back down at his tablet (he is scrolling through Twitter for some fucking reason). 

“Good morning, how’d you guys sleep?” Donghyuck asks as he drapes himself gracelessly on the couch. His mother starts telling him about the weird dreams she had and Donghyuck lets himself get lost in the story. 

Soon after coming out of his bedroom, his father dismisses himself from the living room to go work in his office for a bit. 

“What the hell is that about?” Donghyuck asks, causing his mom to huff. Oh, this is a new development. His mom looks at him over the top of her reading glasses. 

“He wants to work from home on Fridays now to spend more time with me. What the fuck is up with that?” She snorts and Donghyuck laughs along with her. 

“You know how needy men are.” She mutters under her breath while scrolling through her phone as she reads the news. Donghyuck just shakes his head and gets up to grab his own cup of coffee to finally start his day off past noon. 

Donghyuck lets himself enjoy the day. He sits outside on their patio and lets the sun shine over him; he pretends there are no worries in the world and almost believes it. He decides to bring out his laptop to do his homework and at some point, his mom joins him at the table outside to read her book silently next to him. 

Well silently until she dog-ears the tip of her page and asks Donghyuck if he wants to go for a drive. 

The two of them pile into the small car, his mother at the wheel even though she sucks at braking. But Donghyuck turns on the stereo and plays music softly so he doesn’t get too bothered by the sudden stops. They leave their neighborhood and drive along the coast. 

It’s been awhile since Donghyuck has been home. He didn’t realize how much he missed the salt in the air until he rolled down his window and let the ocean breeze enter his lungs. The fresh feeling of it washes over him and he closes his eyes to bask in the free feeling he gets whenever he is home. 

His mom drives them up to the pier. The same one where Donghyuck first learned how to swim and where his dad and him would go to throw a football around. The same one where Donghyuck had his first kiss. 

The one where he brought Myungdae, but never Haneul. 

His mom parks and pulls the driver seat back so she can throw one of her legs on top of the other. She is clearly getting comfortable for a long conversation and for some reason, Donghyuck isn’t dreading it as much as he usually does. 

By no means is his mom his best friend, but she has always been one to listen to whatever Donghyuck has had to say. She used to talk about how much Donghyuck loved to talk about everything and anything, but himself. That is when he noticed that during all of his rants and rambles, she was actually listening. 

“What’s wrong Donghyuck?” His mom asks and he tries to sink into his seat. The sun is starting to drift away as it slowly sets. The sky is clear today compared to last night so the only color the sunset casts is yellow. 

Donghyuck doesn’t know where to start. That’s always been his problem. He can never figure out what needs to be said, if it is too much or too little so he just decides that nothing should be said at all. 

He is like his father in that way; always bottling everything up until it starts to bubble over. His mother on the other hand has never had a problem speaking her mind. Donghyuck wishes he was more like her in that aspect. 

“I— I saw Myungdae.” Donghyuck starts with and his mother nods her head. Both of them are looking out at the coastline and he is thankful that she knows better than to look at him when he feels like the world is coming down. 

“How did that go?” She mutters while looking at her nails to distract herself. 

“Bad.” He murmurs. Donghyuck toes off his shoes so he can bring his feet onto the passenger seat to hug his legs to his chest. He rests his chin on his knees and watches the waves move up and down along the shore. 

“I can imagine, your inability to be normal is astounding. It’s always drama with you.” She responds with a smile, but it is tight. Donghyuck shoves her shoulder with his elbow and laughs under his breath. 

“He’s in my Sociology lecture. I had no clue until I made eye contact with him. I was with a friend and he came over after class and— and he asked if we could go somewhere, alone.” 

“Oh fuck no, you are kidding me. The nerve of that guy, I swear to God.”

“Ah— I know right? Anyways my friend, he... I— okay I kissed him.” “ _You did what._ ” “And told Myungdae to fuck off.” Donghyuck tries to smile to cut the tension, but with his mom giving him the death glare of the century it is almost impossible. 

“I thought we decided that you were going to punch him the next time you saw him?” His mother punches Donghyuck instead and he squawks at her while rubbing the bruise that will definitely appear tomorrow morning on his bicep.

“Why did you kiss your friend? Where the hell was Mark? God, that kid would kill Myungdae for what he did to you.” She hisses. Donghyuck locks up and she raises an eyebrow at the action. 

“Mark doesn’t know.” Donghyuck says and everything goes quiet. He looks down at his hands that are on his knees. He grabs at his sweatpants and doesn’t dare to turn and face his mother. 

“You never told him?” She asks and Donghyuck nods lightly. He can hear the seagulls wail in the distance and they sound like a warning signal. 

“Oh Duckie, you idiot.” _Wow thanks for the comfort mom, you really know how to make a man feel good, huh._

“I flipped out on Tuesday because my friend told Mark about the kiss and Mark never said anything. Then I got— well I got shitfaced and had a mental breakdown because I don’t know, I thought Mark was going to leave or hate me or both. Jaemin was scared because I didn’t tell him or anyone else where I was and I just. I don’t know.” Donghyuck confesses in a ramble of words that probably make no sense while his mom puts a hand at the base of his neck, brushing at the overgrown hairs. 

“I just felt so _out of control._ It’s not like I was never going to tell Mark, but I wanted to do it on my own terms. I’m so tired of people taking everything away from me. So I just lost it and tried to take back what little power I could, but— it’s never the same.” _It’s never enough._

She keeps playing with his hair as he starts to sniffle. Donghyuck can’t remember the last time he has felt this safe with the touch of another person on him. It was probably in the embrace of his mom then too. 

The music in the car starts to play repeats of his mom’s favorite songs, but neither of them notice. She just lets Donghyuck sit in silence for a little bit because he knows that it is the only way she knows how to comfort him. 

Because once the silence is over, it is back to business. 

“You have to tell him Duckie. Mark’s a good kid, he won’t hold it against you. He will probably be really proud of you, just like how your father and I were when you told us.” His mom’s voice isn’t soft like a mother’s voice usually is, but straight and strong. No funny business anymore.

“I’m scared Mom.” Donghyuck’s voice shakes when he says those words. Her grip on the back of his neck tightens before releasing. She puts her hand on his thigh and pats it. 

“I’m scared too.” She answers bluntly and Donghyuck looks over. His mom has always been a crier so he isn’t shocked to see tears dripping down her chin. The only shock he has is that this is the first time he has seen her cry over _this._

“I don’t want to let another man touch you ever again Duckie... but I have to trust you and your judgement. Just like I did with Haneul and just like how I do right now.” Her voice mirrors the somber mood.

“How— how do I trust Mark? How do I know he won’t, that he won’t hurt me like they did?” _How can I trust myself to not make this horrible mistake a third time over?_

“How long have you known Mark?” 

“A little over a year.”

“How long have you been dating him?”

“... a couple months.”

“And how long did you date Myungdae?” _A handful of weeks._ “If Mark wanted to hurt you, he would’ve done it already honey. You know this better than anyone else.”

Donghyuck sits on this thought for a moment. She’s right, Mark would have taken what he wanted and left Donghyuck to pick up the pieces like the others forced him into doing previously. But Mark is still here, even when Donghyuck is miles and miles away both physically and mentally.

“You left Haneul because you couldn’t talk. You were 15 and scared then and now you are 20 and still scared. But you know better, don’t make this mistake again. For the love of God, go back and talk it out so you can finally make peace with yourself. You deserve to move on.” 

Donghyuck’s lips tremble as he grins at his mom’s words. He brings a hand to wipe his tears off his eyelashes. He lets his hand fall on top of his mom’s and breaths in. The ocean is now sparkling black as the stars reflect off of it. 

The moon isn’t out tonight and Donghyuck likes the idea of a new moon cresting right now. Call him sentimental (or stupid, either work), but he thinks it’s time for him to grow along side the moon this time around. 

When they finally get back home, Donghyuck is greeted with the smell of his favorite dish. His father greets them by kissing his mom’s cheek and clapping the back of his son’s shoulder. They talk animatedly over dinner and Donghyuck finally feels like he is home. 

Once dinner is over, Donghyuck watches his parents clean the dishes together. His father throws bubbles into his mom’s hair and she absolutely smacks the shit out of him, but squeals when his father starts chasing her around the house with a wet towel in hand. 

He lets himself wonder if he will ever get this then maybe he lets himself wonder even farther if he will get it with Mark. 

Later that night, while Donghyuck is curled in bed reading his book from school (crazy son of a bitch, he actually did it), his dad knocks on his door and comes in. 

He leans against the doorframe and smiles at Donghyuck. He is pretty sure his son always thinks he is a splitting image of his father. But Donghyuck has always been more like his mom: his nose in a book, a firecracker on his sleeve, and an indescribable amount of love in his heart. 

“Mom told me you saw Myungdae.” His father says and Donghyuck nods his head while swallowing. 

“You okay?” 

Donghyuck thinks for a second: _is he okay?_ It’s a loaded question that could have so many answers to it, but the idea that it is his father who is asking him about it. His father, who has never brought up the situation. His father who is trying to. 

“Not right now, but I think I will be.” Donghyuck responds finally and his father nods his head at that. 

“I know you will be.” His dad says before saying: _goodnight Duckie,_ and closes the door. 

And for the first time in a while, Donghyuck actually believes it. 

Donghyuck leaves a couple days laters. It was nice to be able to sunbathe with his mom and dad while they cracked open beers together on the beach like they did Donghyuck’s senior year of high school. But with how Donghyuck left everything back at school, he knew leaving sooner rather than later would be best for everyone involved. 

With his packed suitcase and backpack in hand, Donghyuck gave his mom and dad one final hug before boarding the bus. He waved at them from his seat and laughed as his mom dramatically cried. 

_Inability to be normal my ass, I got that from you,_ Donghyuck thinks as the bus takes off from the station. 

He feels good right now, but he knows the closer he gets back to school the worse it will get. But for right now, Donghyuck lets the waves send off. It doesn’t feel like he is being sent off to war, but maybe this time he is actually returning home. 

It won’t be easy, but like his mom said to him during the last hug: _I’m only a phone call away, you’re never as alone as you think you are._

During the bus ride, Donghyuck gets a text from his dad. It is a photo of his mom at the restaurant they decided to eat at after dropping Donghyuck off at the bus stop. He can tell they are sitting outside because of the big floppy hat his mother is wearing. 

She looks younger in this photo (she always looks younger when she smiles) and he tells his dad to make sure to tell mom that he loves her to the moon and back. Before he can send it though, he receives this:

 **From: appa**  
12:57: very proud of you. love you. 

Donghyuck laughs, but it's watery and he tries to not cry for the billionth time this month. Maybe crying isn’t so bad though if it is due to pure joy. Maybe he should start crying more often (mmmm, nah). 

**To: appa**  
13:00: love you too dad. and mom. 

**From: appa**  
13:02: lay off the alcohol for a bit eh?

Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

 **To: appa**  
13:03: smh okay. you didn’t say that the last time i threw up but whatever old man.

And even though nothing is necessarily okay right now, Donghyuck doesn’t doubt that it won’t be in the future. He just has to take it one day at a time. Before putting his phone away, Donghyuck pulls up another name and quickly types out a message. 

**To: mark lee (aka loml)**  
13:05: coming home today, maybe we can grab dinner tonight?

And Donghyuck thinks he finally understands the feeling Mulan had when she came home, sword and emblem in hand, and brought honor back to her family.

  


  


Donghyuck has 45 minutes to get ready before Mark comes and picks him up for dinner. 

Normally he would be screaming up and down the hallways of the apartment about not having enough time, but right now Donghyuck is laying on his bed with Jaemin by his side like he doesn’t have a care in the world. 

When Donghyuck entered the apartment, he was tackled by the younger as if nothing went wrong before he left. He didn’t know who was hugging him until he smelt the soft shampoo of his friend’s hair and was reminded of home. Not the one he just came from, but one he hasn’t been to in a while. 

Jaemin wouldn’t leave him alone. He walked into Donghyuck’s bedroom and made himself more than comfortable on his bed before dragging Donghyuck down with him. So now, he is trapped under his friend's leg, pinning him down as they scroll through their phones silently. 

It’s been a while since Jaemin and he have hung out, and Donghyuck misses it so he indulges the younger simply because he is enjoying himself too. However, when 45 minutes becomes 30, he finally nudges the younger’s leg off of his thigh. 

“Why can’t you just hang out with me?” Jaemin whines, throwing his head back dramatically on Donghyuck’s mountain of pillows. 

“Because we live together. We can hang out literally whenever we want to.”

Jaemin blows a raspberry into the air then sits up, grabbing Donghyuck’s giant TATA pillow and wrapping himself around it. He watches Donghyuck sort through his clothes to find something nice to wear. Donghyuck’s parents told him specifically to take Mark out to a nice restaurant (they were paying, thank fuck) so that’s what they were doing. 

“Wear that one silky black button down that you have. You haven’t worn it in forever.” Jaemin offers up and Donghyuck almost wants to disagree, but holds himself back. 

_It doesn’t matter that you wore that for Taehyeong, you can wear it for Mark too,_ Donghyuck silently argues with himself as he goes into his closet and sees the shirt (more like a blouse) and pulls it off it’s hanger. 

It was in the back corner of the closet and it had a thin layer of dust on it. Donghyuck brushes it clean and sighs while thumbing at the fabric. It’s a nice shirt, and it was expensive too. He should wear it, knowing Mark would love it even though Mark would also love to see Donghyuck in a trash bag too. 

“Regular black jeans or the pair with the rips?” Donghyuck asks Jaemin. He can hear Jaemin humming as he thinks before responding: _rips, oh wear that nice belt you have too._

Jaemin doesn’t make a comment about Donghyuck leaving the room to change in the bathroom, but Donghyuck can feel his stare while he is leaving. Donghyuck can’t remember the last time he actually got dressed with someone else in the room. It has been a while. 

He washes his face quickly before putting his clothes on. He looks in the mirror and watches how the black silk catches the light. He doesn’t think he looks holy or something, but he definitely doesn’t think he looks like shit. The shirt looks nice against his recently tanned skin. 

Donghyuck looks good. 

He walks back to his room with this other pair of clothes in hand. Once he enters his bedroom, he sees Jaemin sorting through his small, but big enough selection of make-up. He hasn’t worn make-up in _months_ and he can’t even imagine how much has expired. But he sees a couple bottles of shit here and there on his desk that Jaemin has definitely set out for him to wear. 

“Do you think Mark will like it?” Donghyuck asks suddenly and Jaemin stops sorting through his collection to raise an eyebrow at him. 

“I mean, _you like it_ so of course he will.” 

_God, I hate it when you are right,_ Donghyuck smiles at him before rolling his eyes. He sits down at his desk chair and Jaemin claps his hands excitedly together. Jaemin has always liked doing his make-up. 

“Just don’t go crazy or something.” Donghyuck mutters when he first feels the familiar press of his old, crusty beauty blender. Jaemin snorts under his breath, but continues to beat the living shit out of Donghyuck’s face with some leftover BBcream. 

Jaemin talks Donghyuck through it: BBcream, powder, brows, bronzer, blush, highlighter, mascara, and lips. It is simple due to the fact that they had no time for anything else, but again, it’s been a while since Donghyuck had worn any make-up. 

So when he opened his eyes and saw how clear his face looked, it sort of shocked him. He hasn’t looked this put together in a while other than the occasional days where he wore a nice outfit at Jaemin’s demand. 

But after the months of sweatpants, sweatshirts, greasy hair, and beanies, it was sort of relieving to look in the mirror and not want to turn away the second he made eye contact with himself. It was nice to look in the mirror and think: _not bad._

Jaemin got up while Donghyuck looked in the handheld mirror. He yelled Donghyuck’s name before throwing his cologne at him which he suprisingly caught. Donghyuck puts it on quickly and sees his phone light up. 

“Fuck Mark’s here I think.” Donghyuck says, getting up from his chair and Jaemin is already shoving his favorite pair of boots at him. 

He automatically sits back down and puts them on while Jaemin pushes Donghyuck’s hair whatever direction he finds fit for him to not look like a hot mess. Donghyuck’s slightly curled hair still sits on his forehead, but already looks better due to Jaemin’s magic touch. 

He stands up, grabbing his phone, wallet, and keys. Jaemin is putting a silver chain around Donghyuck’s neck and throwing some rings on his hands while he shoves a pair of silver studded earrings on. 

And even in all this chaos, Donghyuck thinks this is the most fun he has had in a long time. 

“No overnight bag?” Jaemin asks while they leave Donghyuck’s room, the younger behind him following like a puppy. 

“Not tonight.” Donghyuck looks back and smiles at him. Jaemin returns the smile before patting Donghyuck on the shoulder. They split ways, Jaemin now in the kitchen and Donghyuck at the door. 

It feels oddly familiar yet incredibly new, so Donghyuck just tells Jaemin to lock the door for him and the younger responds with a nod. He can hear the coffee pot brewing a fresh pot. 

“Have fun Duckie.” Jaemin says, void of any words or phrases similar to: _be careful,_ which takes an extreme pressure off of Donghyuck’s chest that he couldn’t feel until it was gone. 

_Fuck it, I am going to have fun tonight._

And Donghyuck leaves with: _see you later._

Low and behold, when Donghyuck turns around he runs face first into a similarly sized body. One that he knows all too well. 

“What the fuck—” Donghyuck says, not even bothering with a: _I’m sorry,_ because he sees a bouquet of white roses in a very clenched hand. 

“Shit, sorry Duckie. I wanted to— I was just— ah fuck it, here.” Mark of all people pushes the flowers into Donghyuck’s hand before sheepishly looking anywhere but at Donghyuck. 

“You… got me flowers.” Donghyuck stares at them with a grin resting so softly on his lips. 

_White roses, huh,_ Donghyuck thinks but is cut off when the front door opens. Jaemin smirks at the two of them before taking the flowers out of Donghyuck’s hand. 

Just as Donghyuck was going to yell at his friend for setting him up. Jaemin pushes Donghyuck into Mark and closes the door. Then locks it. Of fucking course. Donghyuck looks up to see Mark staring down at him, in his arms. 

“So… you asked Jaemin what my favorite flowers were—” Donghyuck tries to not smirk at his clearly flustered (but oh so beautiful) boyfriend and Mark has the audacity to throw him off. 

Donghyuck gasps at that, but curls his arm around Mark’s elbow as his boyfriend mutters under his breath: _well I know you like flowers so I was just wondering._

He doesn’t let go of Mark, even in the elevator that is crowded with people for whatever dumbass college reason. Mark does stand behind Donghyuck though to try and put himself in the corner to let Donghyuck have as much space as possible. 

But he does feel safe with Mark’s hands on his hips, pulling him flush against his chest. Donghyuck even lays his head back and causes Mark to tighten his grip. They exit the elevator hand in hand.

“Did you pay for parking?” Donghyuck asks as they leave the apartment building which Mark nods at. 

“Nothing would be more embarrassing than getting towed right about now.” Mark laughs and Donghyuck opens his own door before crawling into the passage seat. 

He gives Mark directions to the restaurant off of his phone’s GPS. They make it there within 10 minutes of their reservation so they sit in the car, music playing lightly in the background. The pavement outside is wet due to on and off rain showers, but looks beautiful as the street lights reflect off of the standing water. 

“No one has given me flowers in a long time.” Donghyuck says suddenly, causing the silence in the car to become a little tense, but not in a bad way. Just in a: _I haven’t talked about this before,_ way. 

Mark picks up Donghyuck’s hand that was resting against his thigh. He plays with the younger’s smaller hand, lifting his fingers up and down like a child. But it makes Donghyuck want to tear up and he probably would have if he wasn’t wearing make-up.

“I’d bring you flowers everyday if you asked me Duckie.” Mark murmurs and Donghyuck’s hand tenses before relaxing. 

Donghyuck wants to reply with something funny, something like: _you’d go bankrupt and I’m unemployed so let’s not do that._ Or even something as dumb as: _you’re a fucking idiot Mark Lee._

But he also wants to say that he knows Mark would do that, but he would be lying. Donghyuck had no clue someone ever wanted to do that for him even though he already met someone who tried to give him a world. 

And Donghyuck just gave it right back. 

“I know the last few weeks have been, hard,” Donghyuck starts and Mark does what he does best, listens. “And I know that I have been a wreck and secretive and just not myself, not the person you know or decided to date. But I want tonight to be fun.” Donghyuck confesses.

“I want tonight to be fun too.” Mark says in agreement which is nice, the reassurance of it. 

“I just—- I want you to hold on, just a little bit longer. I’ll tell you everything you want to know, but just… not tonight.” Donghyuck turns to look at Mark, the man who is still somehow still his boyfriend even after all the shit he has put him through. 

“Okay,” Mark licks his lips before continuing. “But I also want you to know that you _don’t_ have to tell me anything, if you don’t want to. I trust you Donghyuck and if that means not knowing everything about you then that’s okay too.”

“I want you to tell me when you want to. I want you to tell me what you want me to know. Everything else can go to hell for all I care, as long as I continue to have you. I don’t need the rest of it.” Mark brings a hand up to Donghyuck’s cheek and caresses it with the pad of his thumb. 

Donghyuck leans into the touch and lets his eyes close. Leave it to Mark being the most understanding person living amongst billions of people; leave it to him being the one for Donghyuck. 

“You look so breathtaking tonight.” Mark whispers and Donghyuck lets his cheeks turn red at the statement. He opens his eyes and sees Mark staring at him the way Haneul used to. And Donghyuck takes it in stride. 

“Thank you.” He says instead of trying to argue against Mark because it wouldn’t be worth anyone’s time.

They jog into the restaurant as the rain starts to come down in sheets. It clicks against the restaurant’s windows and leaves them damp at best, but Donghyuck’s heart is racing like he is actually living his life. 

The hostess takes them to their table that is placed in the back. It is lit with a real candle (fancy right?) and a white tablecloth that drapes all the way to the floor. Mark, of course, pulls Donghyuck’s chair out and pushes him in after he is seated. Donghyuck lets Mark ‘sneakily’ look at him and pretends that he can’t tell while he looks at the menu. But all know Mark isn’t that slick. 

They decide to order a bottle of red wine and fork over their IDs when asked. Their waiter looks at them, mostly Donghyuck, and deems their IDs to be valid which thank fuck they are. Mark and he laugh over that over their first glass after a small toast.

“To you and me, but mostly us.” Mark says and Donghyuck clicks their glasses together. 

And they talk about nothing, and everything. Mark asks how Donghyuck’s visit back home went and how his parents are. Donghyuck goes on to tell Mark about his hometown and thinks about how he has never bothered before to do so.

Donghyuck asks how Mark’s weekend went and the older races through his words. He talks about how long he had to study for his next exam for Music Theory and Donghyuck nods along like he understands what Mark is talking about. 

They order some fancy ass steaks and cut into them slowly, enjoying their wine and pretending like they don’t have a care in the world. Donghyuck likes the flush that reaches Mark’s cheeks and neck the more he drinks; Donghyuck feels his own face get hot. 

Both of them finish the bottle by the end of dinner and decide against ordering another. However, they do order way too many desserts and sip at a fresh cup of coffee while nibbling on the sweets. 

Donghyuck tries to feed Mark a piece of chocolate raspberry cake to him, but it ends up falling on the other’s lap. Both laugh into their fists as Mark quickly tries to brush the dessert off of his jeans. It’s cute and in the oddest way, heart warming. 

Good thing they stopped drinking because if they hadn’t, Mark and he would definitely be stumbling in the streets. That wouldn’t normally be an issue, but because the ground is slick with rain water and Mark is not balanced on a good day, that could have caused an easy trip to the ER. 

Donghyuck walks next to Mark’s side pressed against all the way from his thigh to shoulder, not letting the older. He is laughing into his boyfriend after Mark said something incredibly stupid that he doesn’t even realize the other man on the sidewalk. Donghyuck’s shoulder accidently hits the random man in the chest with a thud. 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry—” Donghyuck starts, but freezes when he meets the man’s eyes. 

“It’s fine.” He grumbles, looking down at the concrete, before turning away and continuing his way. 

Donghyuck’s grip on Mark’s elbow must've tightened because he can hear the older hiss, but it is barely heard due to all of Donghyuck’s blood suddenly rushing to his head. 

_Was that— it couldn’t be, he doesn’t even live here._

“You good Duck?” Mark asks with a tilt of his head as Donghyuck stares at the man who has crossed the street and is clearly out of sight now. 

“Uh, yeah. I just thought that was Taehyeong, for some reason.” Donghyuck looks up at Mark to see the other’s expression. 

“That _fucking jackass_ I swear.” Mark’s jaw is locked and Donghyuck tries to calm him down by loosening his grip, and moving forward. 

_Fucking jackass, and you have no idea._

“But it wasn’t… let’s just keep going.” 

They didn’t park far away from the restaurant, but far enough where they could take their time walking back to the car due to the raining ceasing for just long enough. Normally Donghyuck wouldn’t dare to walk the streets (alone) when it’s this dark, but he feels better having Mark next to him. 

And Donghyuck doesn’t want to get stuck in his head right now because he could. He could go over and over again until he rots over the man he just ran into even knowing that it couldn’t possibly be Taehyeong. It was a trick of the light, the darkness of the night, and the pure knowledge that it wasn’t him. 

Donghyuck would rather get stuck on the idea that if it was Taehyeong, he still would have been able to walk away. He would’ve been just as struck dead in his shoes, but would have turned and faced Mark. Mark, who makes him feel safe, calm, and content. 

Mark, who he _loves._

Donghyuck stops Mark from getting into the car by placing his back against the driver’s door. The rainwater collected on it sticks to Donghyuck’s shirt and presses oddly into his skin, but he can’t really feel it compared to the newfound heat in his blood. 

Mark lets Donghyuck do this. He gives him room and Donghyuck really wants Mark against him right now, but doesn’t know how to ask. So he reaches a hand out and places it on the older man’s wrist. 

His grip is loose as if Mark is going to pull away; however, he comes into Donghyuck’s space like a magnet. Donghyuck can feel the warmth in his chest against his own. If it was still winter, their breath would be visible and intertwined but the humid spring air makes it disappear into the night. 

And Donghyuck is really, _really_ glad winter is over because he doesn’t know if he could handle the cold right now, or ever again, after getting so used to the warmth of the man in front of him. 

He never wants to face another day without Mark, and he knows right then— 

“I love you.” 

Donghyuck’s voice is quiet, but each word packs a punch. Mark’s eyes widen before watering at the corners and now Donghyuck wants to _actually_ punch him because he was going to cry, _again._

“I love you.” He tells Mark again like he can’t get enough of it, hand still wrapped around his wrist but rubbing at the skin where his pulse lies. He can feel Mark’s heart racing and if that happens every time he says those words, Donghyuck will never stop. 

Donghyuck wants these words to matter and he knows they will because whenever he told Haneul this same phrase, they never sounded like this. They always sounded so unsure, like they didn’t belong in Donghyuck’s mouth in the first place. 

But it’s like these words were made for Mark. That they were always going to be for Mark and Donghyuck just didn’t know it yet. Donghyuck had to stumble, fall, and fight to figure out who these words were made for. 

And even after all the pain, all the bullshit he has had to go through, is it really so bad when it has led him to the love of his life. Is it so awful now that he has Mark? Of course, but maybe Mark is here to lessen the sting, to put Donghyuck back on his feet, and push him forward whether he is by his side or not. 

If Donghyuck had to do it all again, he thinks he would. He would do anything if it meant Mark would be by his side. 

Mark needs to know this and he will one day, but not today. Not tonight. 

“I love you.” Mark replies, and Donghyuck almost misses it.

Donghyuck didn’t even realize how much he wasn’t expecting to hear those words until Mark said them so calmly. Like it was the easiest thing for him to do. Like _loving_ Donghyuck was the easiest thing he has ever done. 

Because a part of Donghyuck now wants to push him off and tell him: _no you don’t, you love someone you don’t even know; you love a ghost._ This part of him wants to claw at his chest and take his heart in his hands just to destroy it in a closed fist. 

But a better part of Donghyuck, the one that makes him _give and give and give,_ weeps in silence. For all the love that he has never felt like he’s deserved. For all the sorrow that he has never actually deserved. For all the years, months, days, and minutes he has been waiting for these words. 

For all the time felt wasted. 

And as much as Donghyuck wants to bury his face into Mark’s chest, he holds back due to the make-up on his face. But one day, _one day,_ he will show Mark how much he can improve and how much he wants to be with him. 

But it’s not today or tonight, probably not tomorrow or the day after, but one day. 

That day will be beautiful. 

A soft kiss will have to do for now. 

Mark’s mouth tastes like wine and chocolate. Kissing Mark, like always, makes Donghyuck curl into him and embrace the warmth of the other like he will never get it back and like it will never happen again. And like most moments in life, they never truly come back, so Donghyuck finally lets himself take for once. 

His hand is warm against Mark’s cheek and he wants to rip into his body to make a nest and a home. Instead, Donghyuck pulls himself back and looks back at Mark. And that’s enough to sustain him for the night. 

Their foreheads rest against each other and Donghyuck doesn’t realize it quickly, but does finally pick up on the words floating out of Mark’s mouth: _I love you, I love you, I love you—_

And Donghyuck could cry, but doesn’t understand the point when he is so happy. So he just smiles, true and bright. Mark smiles back and kisses him again, ignoring the teeth that comes with smiling too big. 

Donghyuck never realized how love tasted so much like the rain. He always thought it would be something comparable to sunshine, sunflowers, sun, sun, and _sun._ Maybe Mark will argue about it with him sometime in the future, but Donghyuck loves the mist in the air that surrounds them. 

Because it makes Donghyuck feel content, being in the arms of the man he loves. Maybe he isn’t at the beach like he was just that morning, but Donghyuck has never felt so close to home before. 

_Home,_ Donghyuck thinks (almost begging it into existence), _let this be home, let him be home please._

Mark drives Donghyuck back to his apartment and walks him into the lobby, to the elevator, and to his door. He kisses him one last time and lets his lips linger against the younger’s. The softness of the action is almost enough to bring Donghyuck to his knees. 

“I love you.” Mark says (they literally can’t get enough of this phrase now, they have easily said it 10 times since being in the fucking car) while Donghyuck unlocks the front door. 

God, if things were different, _if Donghyuck was different,_ Mark would be stumbling into the apartment with his shirt unbuttoned and lips swollen as Donghyuck drags him to bed to— But he doesn’t let himself get down because this is enough. 

Loving Mark, in whatever way Donghyuck can, will _always_ be enough. He knows this now because he knows better. 

“I love you too.” Donghyuck murmurs and gives Mark one last peck. He watches Mark walk down the hallway, hands tucked in his jean pockets, and only closes the door when the older man is out of sight. 

That’s when Donghyuck allows himself to be happy.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> deadass... this chapter makes me so happy. 
> 
> #Let Donghyuck and Mark Be Happy 2K20
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


	5. can't you see someone is rotting my skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck doesn’t like thinking about his freshman year of college. Honestly, once summer graced it’s presences over him after finals ended, it almost felt like a fever dream. Like it didn’t even happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as the last chapter was one of my favorites to write, this one is… not. i have a lot of mixed feelings about this chapter and i think you guys will get why after finishing. due to the nature of the chapter, there won't be any ending notes so i will see you guys in the next one. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who has read this story, it truthfully means a lot to me. more than you can possibly understand. 
> 
> **section warnings:** this chapter is the reason for the major **achrive warning: rape/non-con.** overall, this chapter is quite intense between donghyuck and an OC. donghyuck also goes to visit a therapist for the first time and i have no knowledge on how real therapy sessions go.
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)

  


  


Donghyuck doesn’t like thinking about his freshman year of college. Honestly, once summer graced it’s presences over him after finals ended, it almost felt like a fever dream. Like it didn’t even happen.

But it did, all of it. 

One hot summer night, Donghyuck was up late with his father. They were sitting at the dinner room table and drinking coffee even though it was well past 11 at night. His father and he talked about whatever they wanted to, until his dad brought up school. 

“I remember us driving you up there, to move you into your apartment. And you fell asleep in the back of the car, but you were just shaking—” His dad’s voice gets caught in his throat and Donghyuck grabs at his own clothed knee under the table. “I was just hoping I was doing the right thing, leaving you up there alone.” 

It really put being a parent into perspective. The older you get and the more people rely on you, it doesn’t mean it gets any easier, it just gets more bearable. That’s when Donghyuck decides he doesn’t want kids. 

The first semester of college was lonely. 

Donghyuck never thought he would say it, but he missed being back home. While it was only him, his mom, and dad, it was enough steady familiar movement and noise that he yearned to have back. 

Sure he was rooming with Jaemin, and the two new guys Renjun and Jeno. But they made noise at any time of the day: video games, TV, the coffee pot, and everything in between. It was almost too much noise. 

Donghyuck missed the nights of him staying up late with only the sound of his music (and ASMR) keeping him company until 4AM struck. 

But the more Donghyuck opened up, the easier it was to just be alive. He taught Jeno how to do laundry because the kid was useless and broke the machine more often than not. Donghyuck talked to Renjun about his classes because no one else seemed to care to indulge the older who definitely had a lot to talk about. 

And of course, Donghyuck was finally living with his best friend so they had sleepovers every night where the other could just go to the room next door to sleep. It was fucking awesome to be honest. 

Jaemin and Jeno bonded quickly due to the fact that they both loved to party. So Renjun and Donghyuck would get dragged with frat parties almost every other weekend. And if they weren’t partying, they were drinking themselves to an early grave at home.

Home, no matter how many times Donghyuck told his friends, peers, and anyone else willing to listen, it never felt right on his tongue. Home was hours away, home was the beach and the smell of the sea, home was his mother’s arms. 

This? This was just temporary. 

But when the second semester came around, things changed and it was hard to tell if they were for the better or the worst. 

Just like the weather, Donghyuck was cold and distant. Jaemin was used to this already and let his friend mourn the lost sunlight and warmth in his own depressing way. But Renjun and Jeno were more than confused and dare Donghyuck say, pissed off. 

So they decided that it would be fun to download Tinder (why not Grindr? Only God knows) onto Donghyuck’s phone. Which the younger refused to do multiple times until getting so fucking angry at them, that he just threw his phone at the two and told them to do it themselves.

They had too much fun making his profile too. Renjun was in charge of writing out Donghyuck’s bio while Jeno searched for photos. Jaemin watched them do it as he made dinner and Donghyuck just existed on the couch until he was called in to eat. 

Over dinner, Renjun and Jeno swiped left and right for Donghyuck; they even started a couple conversations for him. One of those conversations being with Taehyeong. 

“Oh come on, it doesn’t have to be serious, just have fun.” Renjun pushed his phone across the table, back to him once dinner was over. 

Donghyuck could have just deleted the App and been on his merry way. But he also could see how much they were all trying to get him out of his rut and back into life. Donghyuck could only refuse so many parties until something snapped. Being this. 

So he played along and with all of this going on, Donghyuck met Mark. 

On the first day of Archealogy (the amount of electives Donghyuck had to take was stupid), he sat next to the older, a ‘grown’ sophomore, who sheepishly admitted forgetting an Ethnic liberal arts elective his freshman year. 

They got along quickly, mostly because Donghyuck liked to complain and Mark didn’t so. It was easy to talk to Mark about whatever, sometimes they would talk about class (rarely) and sometimes they would talk over coffee at the shop close by their building (at the pay of Mark’s wallet).

It wasn’t until Donghyuck started going out with Taehyeong when he sort of stopped talking to Mark. Well at least hanging out with him. He still stole Mark’s glasses during their lectures and made him make cute faces to get them back. He still stole his money to get snacks from the vending machine. And of course, he still cussed out the older beyond belief. 

He just, he just didn’t see Mark outside of class anymore. Which was okay, not like Mark and he were close anyways. 

Taehyeong didn’t go to the same university as Donghyuck did. He actually went to community college in a city just outside of Donghyuck’s hometown. However, he enjoyed the hiking spots that were close by Donghyuck’s university so he frequently visited the area. 

And Donghyuck thought this could work. He hadn’t been in a relationship since Haneul and got out of high school with no problems (other than the ones he picked up). So it was time for Donghyuck to try again. 

He was 19 by that time and if it wasn’t going to happen then, maybe it never would. Donghyuck pretended that didn’t keep him up at night, but he couldn’t lie to himself anymore so he took a shot. 

Taehyeong was really sweet over the phone; he would use emojis all the time and even send Donghyuck photos of his dog. Donghyuck learned that he was a Psych major in his sophomore year and really loved being around people. He had a large family with lots of sisters and loved to watch movies. His favorite color was blue and he was a surfer, just like Donghyuck’s parents. 

It wasn’t hard for Donghyuck to agree to a date, Taehyeong was just his type (which Donghyuck still couldn’t figure out what that exactly was, even to this day), but Taehyeong was. He was cute, not too tall, and overall a teddy bear. 

Their first date was a movie (Bohemian Rhapsody, not a Marvel movie) and it gave Donghyuck deja vu. It was almost like he was feeling Haneul’s hand slip into his grasp, but when he looked over he saw Taehyeong and for some odd, fucked-up reason, he wished he wasn’t the one sitting next to him. 

It was simple and Donghyuck was thankful for that. Even though Taehyeong was going to stay over at a friend’s place that night before heading back home, Donghyuck was relieved that he didn’t ask Donghyuck to come over after the movie finished. 

But he did agree that they should continue to see each other and Donghyuck felt nice again, even in the cold of January. It didn’t feel like the world was ending when Taehyeong was sitting next to him and Donghyuck wanted to hold onto that feeling for a long time. 

When Donghyuck got home that night, he almost collapsed into Jaemin’s arms as he said over and over again: _I really like him, I really like him, I really like someone again—_ as Jaemin just brushed his fingers through his friend’s hair and held him close to his chest. 

Donghyuck thinks that is the last good memory he has of Taehyeong. 

It always starts good doesn’t it? Maybe Donghyuck was blind because he thought he already paid his dues. That everything after Myungdae would be smooth sailing and that nothing like that would happen to him again. 

Was it him being naive, or just in denial? He still doesn’t know nor wants to figure out. 

Taehyeong and he had one more date before they decided to start seeing each other exclusively. They walked around Donghyuck’s campus and admired the ice on the ground. Who knew there could be a beach only hours away, then snow on the mountain tops just west of it. 

Taehyeong walked with Donghyuck, but he could tell the older was starting to get antsy and for what, he didn’t know. But Donghyuck brought Taehyeong back to the apartment because he knew it would be empty due to Jaemin being back home for the weekend; Renjun and Jeno doing whatever the fuck they usually do on a weekend. 

That seemed to be the right move because the second they were in the apartment, Taehyeong’s lips were on his. Donghyuck stumbled backwards and was shocked, frozen in his moves, and completely stunned. It felt like his body was made of lead and he was going to sink if Taehyeong let go of him. 

Taehyeong pulled away abruptly, causing Donghyuck to stumble forward into his arms again, before smiling at him with leering eyes, and Donghyuck felt his stomach jump straight into his chest. 

“Sorry, I just— I really wanted to do that for a while.” He said while rubbing the back of his neck. Donghyuck only laughed it off and told him to warn a guy next time. 

They decided to watch a movie together on the living room couch. Donghyuck was hoping that this would put Taehyeong off from touching him so openly, but it didn’t. The whole time, Donghyuck was focusing on the hand that grabbed at his thigh and spread close to the inside of his legs. 

That’s when Donghyuck blurted out that he didn’t feel comfortable. Looking back on it, it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t awful either. Taehyeong removed his hand and asked him what was up so Donghyuck told him. 

He told Taehyeong about Myungdae and how he was still a virgin (ugh) and just wanted to take things slow because he was (scared, terrified, timid, fearful) just a little nervous. 

When those words exited Donghyuck’s mouth, it was like he could hear the turn of a key that was already placed in a lock. He saw the sympathetic, but vile smile etched at the edges of Taehyeong’s mouth who put his hand on his thigh, again, and told Donghyuck he would take care of him. 

Even though Taehyeong didn’t live in the area, Donghyuck sure felt like he did. 

He would text Donghyuck nonstop, while he was in class, in the morning, at night, during dinner, during whatever Donghyuck was doing that was actually important. And Donghyuck tried to keep up with texting him, but it was hard. 

Donghyuck had friends now, he had Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin, and even Mark. He couldn’t be there at Taehyeong’s every beck and call. But God did he try and pin Donghyuck down from the start. 

**From: tae-hyungie**  
12:26: hey why aren’t you answering  
12:27: donghyuck you know i get worried when you don’t  
12:29: okay this isn’t funny anymore  
12:30: listen here you _bitch—_

“Who’s texting you? They seem pretty mad or something if your phone keeps going off. Oh maybe it’s a groupchat—” Mark asks him under his breath due to class starting on a mundane Tuesday. 

Donghyuck flips over his phone quickly after silencing it and smiles at Mark. He tells Mark to not worry about it; it was just his mom who he got into a fight with recently and she was still a little upset. Because well, that’s what it felt like at least, but Taehyeong just gets nervous is all. That was normal, that was okay. 

_All boyfriends get a little overprotective,_ Donghyuck thinks while flipping his pen around and accidently hitting Mark in the arm with it. 

This was fine, Donghyuck had it all under control. At least he wasn’t making comments about Donghyuck being too busy to answer his texts due to getting fucked by his roommates anymore. He told him to stop, and he did. Sort of. 

Donghyuck had it so under control that he even told his parents about what happened to him with Myungdae. Well, it was Taehyeong’s idea because he wanted Donghyuck to start going to therapy as soon as possible and Donghyuck needed his parents’ health insurance card for that. 

His parents never loved Myungdae or anything, but they didn’t hate him either. His dad always liked to show his co-workers a photo of Donghyuck and Myungdae from Homecoming because he thought Donghyuck looked so nice dressed up. 

Donghyuck never wanted to ruin that for his dad so he never said anything. He just wanted to move on at his own speed, on his own terms so he never told his parents about what happened. 

Not until 4 years later, over the phone, miles and miles away from home.

They were shocked to say the least. Donghyuck’s mom can rarely ever shut up, but she was stunned silent and Donghyuck could hear his dad walk away from the phone that was on speaker mode. His mom spoke quietly over the phone after a couple minutes passed: _we will call you tomorrow Duckie, love you,_ then hung up the phone. 

Maybe… maybe Donghyuck wasn’t ready for that response; but maybe, he wasn’t ready to tell them in the first place. He never thought of talking to his parents about what happened until Taehyeong pushed him to do it so he could get help and they could finally have— 

Taehyeong was happy though, especially when hearing about how the phone call the next day went. His parents told him to do whatever he needed to do to get better, to move on, and if that meant therapy then he was more than welcomed to do so. 

If Taehyeong was happy then Donghyuck was happy. Well, he was relieved that Taehyeong was happy because that means he would be in a good mood the next time he visited. It wasn’t like he wasn’t in a good mood normally, but he always made Donghyuck nervous. 

Donghyuck thought that a long distance relationship would be easier on him, but the longer they were dating the more paranoid Donghyuck got. He could feel Taehyeong’s eyes on him all the time and it was starting to get to his head. 

_What does he want, he knows about Myungdae, he knows I’m not ready, he knows—_

**From: tae-hyungie**  
17:02: when i come up this weekend i’m staying the night  
17:03: make sure no one is home okay baby?

Okay so maybe he doesn’t know, maybe he just forgot, but that’s okay! Everything was okay. Donghyuck finally told his parents what has been wrong all these years, has called some doctor’s offices to get a therapy session schedule, and has a boyfriend who cares about him. 

**To: tae-hyungie**  
17:05: sounds good hyung :D

 **From: tae-hyungie**  
17:06: that’s my good boy

The first time Taehyeong stayed over, it was okay. Not great, but okay. Donghyuck had a hard time finding things for them to do outside of the apartment so they wouldn’t be stuck inside. Purely because the weather was so nice these days, even though it was incredibly windy. 

But Taehyeong got nervous (or maybe angry is a better word) again so they went back to Donghyuck’s apartment and well, they made-out a lot. 

Donghyuck could feel the searing pain of Taehyeong’s lips on his. He was rough against him, pulling and pushing Donghyuck to go anywhere the older wanted him. Especially when he wanted to be on top. 

He would let Donghyuck straddle him for a few short minutes before laughing at the younger’s lack of rhythm ( _ah you’re so cute baby, let me show you how to move those hips of yours_ ). Taehyeong flipped them over so he could grind into Donghyuck’s body with so much force that Donghyuck couldn’t breathe. 

It was only when Donghyuck would be silenced and shaking under the man for him to stop. He would brush Donghyuck’s tears off of his face and whisper in his ear about how good he is for Taehyeong and that Taehyeong loved him. 

He loved him? Taehyeong… loved him, okay. Donghyuck didn’t love him, at least not yet. But he didn’t love him, at all, right now. Which, again, was completely normal. Donghyuck _liked_ Taehyeong, somewhat, but enough. 

Donghyuck couldn’t sleep that night. He was trapped between Taehyeong’s warm body and the wall that his bed is pressed up against. It was so hot and Donghyuck felt like he couldn’t breathe, again. So he stayed awake and dreaded to find out what the morning would bring him. 

Taehyeong in the morning was Donghyuck’s least favorite version of his boyfriend he soon realized. He got handsy, really handsy. He liked to push up Donghyuck’s shirt and press his face into his chest, tearing his teeth down Donghyuck’s skin. Taehyeong’s hands were everywhere and Donghyuck had to say: _no, stop, no, stop, please stop._

Over and over and over again. 

So when Taehyeong left that afternoon, fingers pressed into Donghyuck’s hips that would most likely leave bruises, he was happy to see him go. 

Donghyuck needed to break up with him, soon. After the horrible dinner Donghyuck had to sit through with Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin, it was clear that Taehyeong wasn’t going to work. Then when Taehyeong blew his vape cloud into Donghyuck’s face right after the younger told him he wasn’t comfortable with it, it just fucking closed the case right there. 

He decided that he was going to do it the next weekend Taehyeong was going to come up. But Donghyuck was on edge. The whole week leading up to it, he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t focus.

Mark was worried, Donghyuck could tell. He asked the younger if he had been sleeping and Donghyuck just did what he did best, and lied he guesses. Just told Mark everything was fine and that he was just going through some hard study sessions for exams at the time. 

The day Donghyuck decided to try and break up with Taehyeong ended up being the day after Valentine’s day, which made him feel awful. 

Taehyeong had come with gifts for Donghyuck, a necklace and a stuffed animal. It was a pig named Willump, and it was really cute and soft. And Donghyuck felt bad so he held back. Maybe it could work, Taehyeong had his sweet moments and Donghyuck was touched with the gifts when he didn’t even get Taehyeong anything. 

It was like Taehyeong could read the blush right on Donghyuck’s cheeks. He pulled the younger into his chest and mouthed at the side of his neck suddenly. Donghyuck could feel his own fingers curl into the older man’s shirt. 

“I know what you can give me.” Taehyeong whispered and what could Donghyuck do?

So he let Taehyeong lay him down on his bed and undress him. He took his time, raking his fingernails across Donghyuck’s body until goosebumps raised on his skin. He bit into the sides of Donghyuck’s neck until he was sore and blooming red spots all over. 

Donghyuck only placed his hands on Taehyeong’s shoulders because he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to ask Taehyeong to tell him what he was doing (what he was _going_ to do), but he was so scared to speak. So he stayed silent. 

Not like he could say anything in the first place. His roommates were in the apartment, they were already able to hear him when he was laughing at a stupid video on YouTube. They would definitely hear him if he moaned, or even worse, screamed. 

That seemed to piss off Taehyeong because he was pressing into Donghyuck even more, rubbing against anything he could touch: his dick, his nipples, his neck, his ass, his everything. 

“I wanna hear you.” He hissed and Donghyuck thought he was dying. He thought there was a gun to his head and he was going to die if he didn’t do what Taehyeong asked. So he moaned. 

It was weak and shy, so forced that Donghyuck thought Taehyeong would realize that he wasn’t into what he was doing and stop. But instead, Taehyeong moaned into Donghyuck’s bare stomach and grabbed the front of his jeans. 

Donghyuck squeezed his eyes closed tightly when Taehyeong unbuckled Donghyuck’s belt. He moved the younger’s hands off of him when they wrapped around the older’s wrists and continued to unbutton his jeans and push them away until all he was left in was his underwear. 

He couldn’t breathe again, but Taehyeong was so into feeling Donghyuck’s soft inner thigh that he didn’t notice. He looked up before moving up to kiss Donghyuck then his fingers reached inside of his underwear. His middle finger prodded at Donghyuck’s dry opening which made him gasp into his mouth.

“This is okay.” Taehyeong said against Donghyuck’s mouth when his finger slid in the first knuckle. 

_This is not okay, this is not okay, this is not okay—_

It hurt so bad and Donghyuck could feel the tears rolling down his face, but Taehyeong had him pinned down against the mattress. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t do anything except— 

“Stop, please.” Donghyuck couldn’t even recognize his own voice. It was desperate, laced with fear and adrenaline knowing something awful was about to happen if he didn’t say anything. 

But Taehyeong prodded his hole with another blunt finger and when he sunk in, without lube or any fucking warning, Donghyuck sobbed. He floundered like a fish and pushed Taehyeong away violently before tearing the sheets up from the covers. Taehyeong looked offended while Donghyuck shook under his gaze, naked and so fucking scared. 

And Donghyuck cried for a bit, leaving Taehyeong to do whatever the fuck he wanted to do. But he could feel his boyfriend (God, his _boyfriend_ ) hug him and tell him that: _you’re alright, you’re safe,_ and Donghyuck only shook his head. 

_No I wasn’t, you didn’t care, you didn’t stop, why didn’t you stop Myungdae—_

“We’re over.” Donghyuck whispered in Taehyeong’s arms, not Myungdae’s, he was in Taehyeong’s arms. Another man’s arms, another man. 

When Donghyuck broke up with Myungdae, the other walked away furious and fuming, but walked away. Taehyeong didn’t walk away, instead he locked his grasp onto Donghyuck and cried into him. 

“Don’t leave me, don’t leave me. I love you, you are all I got Donghyuck. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Taehyeong wept into Donghyuck’s hair as the younger stared blankly at a wall. 

He was sure that he was dissociating at that point, but it’s not like Taehyeong cared when he had his naked body in his arms. Taehyeong was still completely clothed, still hard in his jeans, and Donghyuck wanted to cry again. 

Taehyeong did stay the night, mostly because Donghyuck was too afraid to tell him to leave. They went out to eat and Taehyeong kept trying over and over again for Donghyuck to take him back. But the answer was no and the more the older asked, the more tired Donghyuck was becoming. 

It wasn’t until 2AM, where Donghyuck was pressed against his bedroom wall listening to Taehyeong tell him about his dead ex-girlfriend, abusive mother and father, and all of his trauma when Donghyuck realized that he was trying to guilt trip him into staying with him. 

So Donghyuck turned away, and pretended to go to sleep, but he couldn’t even manage to close his eyes when that man was right next to him, in his bed. Especially when he knew Taehyeong was going to try and get on top of him again that morning. 

It was almost laughable how Taehyeong asked if Donghyuck wanted to have break-up sex the morning before he left. Donghyuck told him no again and Taehyeong grabbed his hand and tried to put it in his pants to get the older off. Donghyuck ripped his hand away and went to the bathroom. 

When Taehyeong left, he told Donghyuck to: _shave more around the asshole the next time we get together because I like it bare and baby you’ll be crawling back to me,_ and Donghyuck slammed the door in his face. No one said a word when Donghyuck slid down the front door, head in his hands, everyone completely in shock to what they saw. 

_And they have no idea what even happened,_ Donghyuck thought and shit he was shaking again. 

When he saw Mark that next Tuesday, he was freshly showered for the first time in days and had concealer covering his dark circles. Donghyuck smiled, for it felt like, the first time in months. 

Maybe it’s because he was finally wearing make-up for the first time in a while because Taehyeong always hated it because it got in the way. But Donghyuck likes to believe that he just simply missed Mark. 

Donghyuck _really_ missed Mark, but when the older tapped on his wrist when class was over asking if he wanted to get some coffee, Donghyuck flinched from him like he touched a hot stove. 

And that’s when he knew everything changed, once again, for the worse. 

So yeah, Donghyuck doesn’t like to think about freshman year for too long. But he still has the stuffed pig from Taehyeong, conveniently renamed to Marinara. But that’s another story for another day.

  


  


No one ever talks about how hard it is to find a therapist and Donghyuck thinks that should change. Both the talking about it and making it easier to get one. 

It’s the whole reason why he gave up months ago. Every office he called either had him leave a voicemail (and would never get back to him) or tell them that they are booked for the next few _months._

Like, okay, he gets it. He lives on a college campus and easily everyone his age has some form of depression, anxiety, _blah blah blah_ you name it. And is really every single doctor’s office too booked to add in a new client unless they are ‘at risk’?

It was exhausting and sort of humiliating, getting left on voicemail over and over again when all Donghyuck wanted was help. Why was it so hard to get help even though he was so willing to just give up what little pride he still had left? Why couldn’t it be _easy?_

Donghyuck slams his head down at his desk after his fifth call with another doctor’s office. This time they told him he would be put on a waiting list, but he really knows that means: _good luck to you, hope you don’t die before you get help because that would fucking suck, oops._

Maybe he could ask some friends if they see a therapist or something. Donghyuck has to know someone who goes to therapy right? There are definitely more unstable people in his life than the other way around. Maybe he could— 

“Uh, hey Duckie. I heard a slam and wanted to see if you were good?” Renjun peeks his head inside of Donghyuck’s room. The door was open so it wasn’t that hard for the older to hear the noise and look inside. 

He groans in response then moves his papers from his desk. It’s not like he doesn’t want Renjun to know he is searching for a doctor or something, but it feels weird. Since they are close, but not that close. 

Shit, not even Jaemin knows he is searching for a therapist. Mark only knows because he found the phone numbers to different offices on a sticky note that was placed inside Donghyuck’s laptop. 

It’s not like he didn’t want anyone to know. He just wasn’t completely ready to accept the help of others quite yet. 

“I’ll be fine.” Donghyuck says when he hears the older walk into his room. He lifts his head up from his desk and turns around to see Renjun sitting on his bed. 

He almost tells the older to get off, that he shouldn’t sit somewhere so _dirty._ Where something awful happened, but Donghyuck tells himself: _you washed the sheets, you did as much as you could do to wash it away,_ and tries to move on. 

They sit there for a second or two, just staring at each other, until Renjun awkwardly coughs into his fist. He seems nervous, which is a very not-Renjun type of emotion so Donghyuck lets him take his time to figure out his words. 

“I just— I want you to know that I’m here for you.” Renjun starts, his voice is low but clear. Donghyuck’s eyebrows raise at the statement. 

“Not that I think you need it— fuck. Okay, you know what I mean. Sure we are roommates, but we are friends too. I want you to feel, I don’t know, safe; that you can rely on me.” _Like how you rely on Jaemin and Mark._

Donghyuck grins at the older who is clearly trying his hardest to be a good friend, but isn’t used to it. Renjun and Donghyuck get along because of their silence. They have always been quiet around each other because they are comfortable with just that. 

But it is sort of fun to watch Renjun struggle so Donghyuck just lets it happen. 

“I’m sorry about kissing Yukhei-hyung. I know that you… well _you know._ ” Donghyuck finally responds and just watches all of the blood drain out of his friend’s face before he turns bright red like a cherry _fucking_ tomato. 

“Oh shut the fuck up.” Renjun mumbles under his breath, looking away from Donghyuck. He laughs at the childish action, but welcomes the warmth of the interaction nevertheless. 

Renjun smiles too before hopping off of Donghyuck’s bed and tackles him to the floor. Donghyuck laughs as his friend basically attacks him and lets the smaller one win just out of fearing what would happen if he didn’t. 

Some papers fall down as the two continue to fight on the floor. Donghyuck doesn’t realize it until the older is off of him and he can finally focus on his breathing again. When he opens his eyes, still bitching about Renjun elbowing him in the stomach, he freezes when he sees the older holding a paper filled with phone numbers. 

“Why… why do you have this number?” Renjun murmurs and Donghyuck chest locks up. He pushes himself off the ground and rips the paper out of his friend’s hand like the damage hasn’t already been done. 

“Those offices are for psychologists, Donghyuck, for like _trauma._ ” Renjun continues, not bothered by Donghyuck’s lack of response, but his gaze does lighten up when Donghyuck flinches at the word: _trauma._

“I— I know.” Donghyuck tries to find his voice again, but his words come out scratchy and worn. 

Donghyuck moves to rest his back against the side of his bedroom wall, he faces his bed and pretends that he can’t see the scene of Taehyeong and him from a year ago playing out once again.

Renjun gingerly moves with him, he rests his back against the wall and leaves space between Donghyuck and him. The younger can hear him swallow roughly before bringing his hands to his knees to play with the holes in his jeans. Renjun looks just as uncomfortable as Donghyuck. 

“I’m not here to judge you,” Renjun starts. “I— wow this is hard, uh. The only reason why I know those numbers is because I go to one of those offices. And definitely called a lot of the other ones.”

Donghyuck whips his head around and can’t stop his mouth from falling open. He feels like his brain is playing a trick on him; there was no way he heard that right. But he watches Renjun laugh harshly to himself. 

“Yeah I know. I don’t really look like the type huh. To ask for help.”

“I had no idea…” Donghyuck responds quickly, he really had no clue that Renjun out of all the people would be going to therapy, with how busy his schedule is during the weekday and the— 

“You go on the weekend don’t you?” Donghyuck suddenly asks and Renjun nods his head reluctantly. Donghyuck watches him rub his hands up and down his thighs. 

“Yeah I’ve been going since the beginning of college.” Renjun says offhandedly and God does Donghyuck have so many questions, but he doesn’t want to overwhelm the older. 

It seems like both of them are on the same page because the conversation lulls, neither of them knowing what they can or cannot say. Donghyuck feels out of touch with reality, he wants to know why Renjun is going to therapy, trauma therapy at that. 

Not all trauma therapy is just for Donghyuck’s situation. Maybe it was a death in the family, or some other type of abuse. But maybe, just maybe, it was the same thing Donghyuck was dealing with too. At that thought, Donghyuck doesn’t really think he wants to know anymore. 

He can see the same anxious tendencies he has bleed out into the other. The way Renjun holds himself, becoming smaller than he really is and not looking Donghyuck in the eye. It’s all there and Donghyuck never noticed, just like how no one ever noticed himself doing the same things. 

“Could you see it? In me.” Donghyuck asks and Renjun looks like he is thinking almost too hard. 

“I didn’t want to make assumptions, but there were days when I wanted to ask.” Renjun answers truthfully and Donghyuck aches at the sight of his friend looking so lost; so down on himself. 

“This is a lot.” Donghyuck admits and Renjun does laugh at that. 

“I don’t want to ask questions, but I want you to know whatever you are going through, it gets better. It really does and taking steps to make it better, like going to therapy, is really brave of you.” Renjun finally looks at Donghyuck and it makes the younger’s eyes water. 

“And I’m here for you.” Renjun is quiet in his confession, so quiet that Donghyuck almost thought it couldn’t have even been said. 

Donghyuck leans his head to rest on the older, who allows it easily. They sit there staring at Donghyuck’s bed and for the first time ever, he finally wants to talk about what happened. He wants to open up and just let it all out. 

But he keeps it to himself for a rainy day where he may actually have the chance to get the courage to talk about it again. Clearly Renjun has a lot on his own plate and well, not everyone needs to know the details. 

“Good people exist right?” Donghyuck’s voice echoes off the walls and it calms down the screaming in his head for a moment. Renjun sits there and Donghyuck almost thinks he didn’t hear him or is asleep, but the older responds right before he can ask again. 

“Of course good people exist, you’re right here.” 

Renjun is the one to go with Donghyuck for his first therapy sessions. He was able to talk to his own therapist about him and found out that she had a new opening that Donghyuck could take if he wanted to. 

Donghyuck told Mark about finally getting a doctor’s visit scheduled and the older smiled so brightly, it caused Donghyuck to squint. He was so happy for Donghyuck and he couldn’t even imagine someone being so proud of him, and yet not knowing a damn thing. 

Mark wished him good luck tagged with so many I love you’s on it, Donghyuck thought he was going to drown in the comforting words. He didn’t even ask to come and it’s like he knew Donghyuck would’ve asked if he wanted him there. 

And Donghyuck wants him there, one day, but maybe not after the first one where he will probably be a wreck after. But Renjun, well, he can see that. To be honest, Renjun is just going because his own session is right after Donghyuck’s. 

But the thought is there and Donghyuck is thankful for the company, especially because it is someone who sort of gets it without needing to explain. 

They walk to the office on a Saturday. The sun is out and for some reason Donghyuck feels like it should be raining. Maybe with some thunder and lightning littering around them, but it’s actually a beautiful day. Spring is finally in full force and as the weather gets warmer, the safer Donghyuck feels. 

Renjun and he walk in silence, but it is free from any awkward energy that usually surrounds them. The office isn’t far from where they live and Donghyuck can’t believe he missed it when he did leave campus. He has walked past this building what seems like a million times, but he guesses he never really paid attention until now. 

When they open the door, a bell rings to signal their arrival. Renjun walks up to the receptionist and talks to her quietly; Donghyuck stands behind him as if he is smaller than the older, which he is Not. The receptionist notices his anxious behavior and asks with a soft, kind voice if he is here for the 11AM session which he nods his head to. 

She gives him some paperwork to fill out and Donghyuck is really happy that he asked for his parents’ health insurance card all those months ago. He fills out the forms with shaky hands and brings it to the counter when he is finished. 

She thanks him for his neat handwriting and tells him to go sit back down, that the doctor will get him when he is ready. Donghyuck nods his head and takes in a deep breath before sitting down next to Renjun. 

“You are doing so much better than me. When I first came here, I threw up in the trash can because I was so nervous.” Renjun comments and Donghyuck tries his best to smile at the statement. 

Renjun can probably feel the anxiety rolling off of him because he puts a hand on Donghyuck’s back and rubs circles into his shirt. He has definitely seen Jaemin do this because it reminds Donghyuck of his best friend. He relaxes under the touch just a little bit, before clenching everything when the waiting room door opens and a nurse calls out his name. 

“You got this. Dr. Kang is the shit, honestly.” Renjun pats him on the shoulder and the younger gets up.

“Thank you Renjun.” Donghyuck says with a shaky smile and the older just gives him a thumbs up before pulling out his phone to fuck around on for the next hour. 

Donghyuck follows the nurse into a nice room that has a dark wood desk, chairs in any and every corner of the open room, and a nice crushed-velvet couch. The nurse tells him to sit anywhere he wishes and that Dr. Kang will be in shortly. 

He looks around the office and tries to figure out if he has officially lost his mind. Donghyuck has never sworn off therapy, but he never thought he would get it for himself. Not because he didn’t think he deserved it, but because he never thought he would get this far. 

There is a large window behind the desk. Drapes frame the glass and it allows the sun to cast in natural light that Donghyuck has always preferred. Maybe that little quiz thing he took before coming here wasn’t as bullshit as he thought it was. 

Donghyuck is pulled out of his thoughts when he hears a knock on the door. He waits to answer, just to see if they would walk in before he even had the chance to say: _come in,_ but the door stays closed. Donghyuck takes in a deep breath and voices that he is ready. 

Dr. Kang, he believes, walks in with a cup of coffee and is wearing an army green cardigan. It throws Donghyuck off, seeing someone so professional dressed down and yet look like they hold all the power in the universe. 

“Oh you chose the couch, good choice,” Is the first thing she says, putting her folder down on the desk. “Is it okay if I sit in this chair?”

She points to a light leather single couch that is worn due to use that is in front of Donghyuck, he nods his approval and she sits down then takes a sip of her coffee. 

“Do you want any water before we get started? Feel free to bring snacks or a water bottle if you ever want to.” Her voice is comforting and it reminds Donghyuck of his mother’s tone when she used to send him off to bed.

“Uh, no. I think I’m fine right now.” Donghyuck says tightly and Dr. Kang smiles welcomingly at him; he believes it. 

“So you know Renjun, he told me all about you. He has always had high praise for his roommates, but he would mention you quite often. He told me you’re a really good listener.”

Donghyuck flushes under the kind words and he just shrugs at the comment, not really knowing what he should say.

“The first session is always the hardest, but really this is just a chance for me to get to know you and see if we will work well together. If we don’t then there is no charge to you and I can reference you to some other therapists that work here or maybe a new office to try out.” Dr. Kang opens her folder and Donghyuck tries not to tense at the action. 

“I have a hard time, uh, talking about myself.” Donghyuck says and she hums understandingly at the comment.

“A lot of people do, it is quite common. To talk about yourself means that you have to be open to share which few are willing to do.” She clicks her pen and writes down a small note. 

“You are an only child?” She asks and Donghyuck nods his head. He isn’t sure what he should be doing with his hands so he just plays with the hem of his sweatshirt that has a string dangling off of it. 

“How was family life growing up, are you close with your parents?” 

“Yeah, I call every once in a while. I had a good childhood, my parents have always been really supportive of me with anything I do. Uh, I love them a lot.” Donghyuck states calmly, his parents have always been an easy topic to talk about. 

“That’s really nice to hear. I bet your parents are really proud of you and all of your accomplishments.” Donghyuck freezes at that statement. 

He technically didn’t tell his parents that he was visiting a therapist this time around, but he knew that they wouldn’t mind. However, Donghyuck is more stuck on the word: _proud._ He doesn’t know if proud would exactly be the word he would use when thinking about himself in his parents’ eyes.

“What are you thinking about when I say that, Donghyuck. Is it okay if I call you that?” Dr. Kang questions, but it sounds like an option to answer if he really didn’t want to.

“Donghyuck is fine. Um, I just thought that proud wouldn’t be the word I would associate with them feeling I guess. They tell me that they are proud of me, but I don't know. It never feels right.” Donghyuck scratches the top of head before shrugging, again.

 _God this is painful._

“Tell me more, why do you think they would tell you that they are proud of you, but not mean it?” Dr. Kang is writing again and it makes Donghyuck nervous. 

When she looks up, it’s like the anxiety is written clear as day on his face because she puts her notes down and closes the folder. Donghyuck feels better at the simple action and he feels stupid for being nervous in the first place. 

“That folder shows me a lot of achievements you have made. You were an amazing multi-sport athlete in high school and graduated in the top 10 percent of your class. You have quite the GPA and seem to be making motions in the business college. There is a lot for your parents and _you_ to be proud of.” 

“Yeah but what about—” Donghyuck snaps before closing his mouth. He didn’t even realize how heated he was getting until he opened his mouth, but it was as if the Devil was sitting on his tongue, ready to strike at any moment. He swallows his anger and apologizes softly.

“There is nothing to apologize about. Just as much as you have achieved, you have also gone through a lot of _stressful_ situations. It is okay to be upset.” Dr. Kang states like it’s as simple as day. 

Donghyuck finally looks up and makes eye contact with her for the first time. Dr. Kang isn’t young, but she isn’t old either. He sees a photo of what he guesses is her family behind her head and deflates at the sight of it. 

He’s so tired of being angry. It’s never been enough, all the heat stored in his body has just made him an awful mess of a person and he is so fucking tired of all the pain being bottled up inside of him. 

“Can we— can we just start talking about why I’m here?” Donghyuck asks like it’s the last thing he wants to do, but he looks her in the eye and doesn’t back down no matter how much he wants to. 

“Of course.” Dr. Kang says, then asks if she could write in her notepad, but Donghyuck doesn’t even hear her before words spill out of his mouth. 

And he doesn’t even notice how the notepad stays sitting still; Dr. Kang makes no move to pick it up as he pours out any thought or memory that comes to mind. 

By the end of his session, there is a tissue box sitting next to him empty on the couch and Donghyuck’s eyes stinging after crying not once or twice, but three times. He never thought he would cry so much telling his life story, but how could he not? 

Dr. Kang’s words rang in his ears: _you shared a lot today and that is overwhelming, you have spent years being on your own and now you don’t have to; sometimes the needs of the few weigh out the needs of the many and it doesn’t have to be every man for himself._

_It doesn’t have to be every man for himself._

Donghyuck thanks her by bowing low. She tells him that she was happy to help and that if he feels comfortable that they could start having weekly sessions like this one for Donghyuck to talk out his woes. 

She recommends group therapy which Donghyuck is hesitant on. Dr. Kang tells him it isn’t for everyone, but sometimes it is helpful for victims of assault or domestic violence to listen to other people’s stories. 

It’s weird to have a word for it now, especially one so aggressive as assault, but it’s not like it’s wrong. That’s what it was, assault. Donghyuck was assaulted, not once, but twice. By people he trusted at some point. 

As horrible as it was, it wasn’t uncommon and even though Donghyuck has never truly felt alone, there was something amazing about being told he wasn’t alone, not anymore. 

He walks out into the waiting room and sees Renjun whip his head up to greet him with a supportive smile. Donghyuck really has the urge to hug his friend so he does. When Renjun stands up to greet him, Donghyuck wraps himself around the older for the first time of them knowing each other. 

And Renjun stands there until Donghyuck tells him to hug him back which the older laughs brightly in his ear. He asks how the session went and all Donghyuck can do is nod his head up and down, afraid that if he speaks he will say too much for the time being. 

Renjun then asks if Donghyuck was willing to stay and wait for him, that maybe they could go get lunch after his session which the younger agrees to eagerly (he knows Renjun will pay for him, score). 

When Donghyuck is finally sitting alone in the waiting room and the only thing that is keeping him company is the music playing lightly in the background, he feels the invisible weight on his chest finally seize up just a bit. 

Enough for Donghyuck to breathe just a little bit easier, enough for Donghyuck to think: _is this what moving on feels like?_ Because if it is then well, he is going to get addicted to it. He is going to take it and run as far as he can; no one can stop him anymore. 

Not even himself; enough is enough. Enough is finally enough.

  


  



	6. a bomb sits ticking in my throat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot take: ‘time heals all’ is a stupid statement, and yet completely (begrudingly) true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, back with another chapter! i am excited to say that this chapter does end the main storyline and the next one will be an epilogue. i think this chapter is quite satisfying and will give a lot of you guys what you want/have been looking for. aaahhhhhh i hope y'all like it!!!!
> 
>  **section warnings:** i don’t think there are any warnings perse? duckie just puts himself in uncomfortable positions, but they are healthy (aka growth and moving on).

  


  


Hot take: ‘time heals all’ is a stupid statement, and yet completely (begrudingly) true. Donghyuck always hated hearing it from literally anyone, but as fucking idiotic as it sounds, it is the truth nevertheless. 

Maybe it is the idea that people believe time healing all is a faster process than it actually is? Yeah, that has to be that. Because as time heals, time also flies by. 

“I wanted to talk to you about your friends this time around. We have mentioned them a lot, but we haven’t specifically brought up your relationships with them.” Dr. Kang sipped her coffee that Donghyuck bought for her (he learned her order weeks ago). 

“I think it is a good time to start thinking about talking to them about what happened, if you think they should know. You have done great work these past few _months_ and I think sharing is something that could benefit you.”

Months; summer was in full force and reminded Donghyuck of its blistering heat everytime he walked to the office. Luckily Mark was still in town and was willing to pick him up after his appointments. God _fucking bless._

Everyone has actually stayed at school for this summer vacation, other than leaving for actual family vacations (fuck Jaemin and his trip to Hawaii). Paying rent to not live there during the summer sounded way too stupid, so staying was honestly the best option. 

Donghyuck was playing with a deck of cards, shuffling them as Dr. Kang and he talked. It became apparent early on that he couldn’t sit still and talk about himself at the same time so a deck of cards ended up being handy. 

Now he was a master shuffler ready to take on Las Vegas if he had to, who the hell knew. 

He played with the cards and flipped them around, thinking about what Dr. Kang said about trying to start opening up. 

It sounded good and there were days where Donghyuck really, really wanted to. They come off of highs, when Donghyuck thinks he could take on the whole world, take on Myungdae and Taehyeong at once, and actually win. 

But those moments were few and far inbetween, and when they did happen, they lasted as long as a blink of an eye. It always ended with Donghyuck regretting feeling it in the first place. It was something that Dr. Kang and he talked about quite often; his lack of long lasting courage.

However, these explosions of courage started happening more often. Anytime Donghyuck looked up and saw his roommates, he could feel the words resting on the tip of his tongue just waiting to be spoken. And yet, all he could manage to do was forcefully swallow them down. 

“I think about telling them all the time to be honest. I just— I don’t want to burden them with the knowledge. Don’t want them to think it was their fault or something.” Donghyuck said, speaking loud and clear. 

He finally stopped mumbling answers out after the first month of therapy. His voice was starting to get bothered by his low tone and Donghyuck really had nothing to hide anymore. It was more of a waste of time repeating himself because Dr. Kang physically could not hear him. 

“They are your friends for a reason. We rely on friends to be there during the good times, but also the bad.” Dr. Kang reinforced as Donghyuck tried to learn that he can also rely on his friends the way they do with him. 

Slowly, ever so fucking slowly, Donghyuck was coming to terms with that statement being true as well.

“I know.” He replied with a smile as he looked at the King of Hearts. A man with a dagger to his head. 

“How about we start somewhere close to home, let’s start with Jaemin.” Dr. Kang looked at her notes and Donghyuck knew that she didn’t need to at this point, but saw how comfortable she was when she did. 

It’s interesting, psychoanalyzing your own therapist. 

He told Jaemin that he saw a therapist right after coming back from his first appointment with Renjun. It wasn’t hard per se to tell him, but Donghyuck was a little more worried to figure out what Jaemin would think. 

He was shocked. Donghyuck couldn’t really blame Jaemin though because Donghyuck stopped telling the younger what was on his mind years ago. So really, there was nothing more surprising for Jaemin to learn than Donghyuck truly not being okay. 

It seemed like it was going to be one of those times where Jaemin would say that: _no no, you’re fine there is no way that you actually need to see a therapist,_ but instead he kept silent. Jaemin nodded his head and continued to do what he was doing before they walked in the door aka washing the dishes even though they have a dishwasher. 

So Donghyuck called it a win. 

They never talked about why Donghyuck was seeing a therapist and the older took this as a statement of Jaemin wanting him to come to the younger when he was ready to tell the whole story and not just halfass it. Which is a very Jaemin quality to say the least. 

“Jaemin is sort of in the dark I guess. I mean, he knows about Myungdae because he was there, but Taehyeong and the rest of it will definitely be a shock to him.” Donghyuck looked up at Dr. Kang then shrugged. 

Donghyuck didn’t feel bad about not telling Jaemin, but like all the things Donghyuck feared was that he didn’t want to blindside the younger which he definitely knew he would in this case. 

“You’ve mentioned Jaemin taking blame for what happened with Myungdae.” Dr. Kang stated simply to which Donghyuck nodded in agreeance to. 

“Do you think that will happen again?” She asked and Donghyuck pondered before answering: _yes._

“Why is that?” 

Donghyuck can remember all the times where Jaemin has wanted to be at fault. Naturally, Jaemin liked being in other people’s space and not being held accountable for his actions. It’s the reason why he hung out with an older crowd in high school and became an alcoholic (sort of) at 15. 

Now though, as he has aged, Jaemin has become quieter, more of a listener than a talker, and Donghyuck thinks it's because he feels bad for not taking responsibility for his actions when he was younger. 

Jaemin is a good person who has made bad decisions (who hasn’t) and Donghyuck doesn’t want this to be another thing to pile onto the younger’s heavy conscience. 

Donghyuck said this to Dr. Kang, she wrote down his words quickly and in perfect penmanship that has made Donghyuck jealous since day one. 

“I think you are projecting,” Dr. Kang started. “You are taking past experiences and trying to make new beginnings with them. I think this would be a good time for you to exercise trust between you and someone you care about with the belief that they will sit there and just simply listen. Which you did mention Jaemin being better at listening now than he used to be.” 

_I need to get Dr. Kang a really nice gift after all of this,_ Donghyuck smiled to himself as she rattled on. No wonder Renjun likes her so much, she can read anyone like a book without it being insulting. 

“I think you are right.” Donghyuck agreed and Dr. Kang smiles back at him. 

Progress, like a child, takes a village to grow and raise. Donghyuck is really happy that he has the people behind him who are helping him to push forward, to push _onward._

Sitting Jaemin down was the hardest part. The kid seemed to be everywhere and anywhere as the summer continued on. He had two jobs that he worked mostly back to back and on top of that, started going to the animal shelter with Renjun to play with the kittens AND puppies. 

So when Donghyuck finally found an opening in Jaemin’s schedule, there was no time to think any second thoughts. He had to take what he could get and well, Jaemin just had to follow blindly. Thank God he did. 

It was after dinner. Donghyuck knew (as in he checked the younger’s calendar that he used religiously) Jaemin didn’t have any plans for once after the meal was over. The other hard part of finding time to tell Jaemin was that Donghyuck never wanted to tell him then kick his ass out to go work or something. He wanted Jaemin to be able to sit and think and _breathe._

Which Jaemin did, when Donghyuck told him. 

“Taehyeong assaulted me.” Donghyuck's words hung heavy and he was glad that they decided to do this in Jaemin’s room rather than the kitchen. It just would’ve been too loud for such an open space. 

They were sitting on Jaemin’s bed, backs against the wall with music playing in the background. It reminded Donghyuck of all the times they used to throw a tennis ball back and forth when they were kids. Singing to awful boyband music and just being kids. 

Jaemin let out a shuttered breath and honestly, Donghyuck felt nothing after uttering those words. He thought it was going to unleash this giant bomb, but instead it just made him sad. 

Donghyuck could work with sad though. 

“Thank you for telling me.” Jaemin looked over to Donghyuck which the older smiled at. 

Donghyuck put a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder like he was the one who needed comforting. Which the younger did because the second Donghyuck’s hand touched him, the younger all, but fell into his arms. 

And in true Jaemin fashion, he didn’t ask for more. He just laid there on Donghyuck’s chest and rested heavily. Donghyuck was thankful for this because what he learned is that no one really needed the details of what actually happened. 

That knowledge and awareness was enough, that not telling people the details gave Donghyuck the power back to keep something to himself. 

There was truly only one person who needed at least some of the details and that was— you know what, not yet. 

“So telling Jaemin was a success?” Dr. Kang asked the next week, which Donghyuck brightly smiled at. 

Talking was getting easier, even smiling and laughing through the bad things, because at the end of it something good came out of it. Like Jaemin knowing and not thinking Donghyuck was a disgusting piece of shit. 

“Do you think that?” Dr. Kang asked after Donghyuck mentioned how much he used to scrub himself down in the shower. 

“I guess I did, or do. It’s weird. I know it isn’t my fault, but sometimes I can’t help but feel it lingering? It’s like I got hands around my throat that are pushing me down. I just— you know the saying ‘fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, _shame on me_ ’. It’s like that.” Donghyuck tried to explain, but his words felt lackluster, as if they couldn’t tell what he actually felt. 

“If there is one thing I want you to take away from this conversation, it is the knowledge that you should have no shame. There is nothing shameful about what you went through, only strength.” 

Most days it was easy for Donghyuck to feel the shame in his chest. It rested there like a disease, eating away at him. It was the reason he couldn’t get out of bed, it was the reason why he couldn’t look a man in the eye for too long (afraid they would get the wrong idea). It was the reason why Mark couldn’t hold him. 

But some days the shame would be quiet and Mark could hold Donghyuck a little longer than the day before. Those were the days that kept Donghyuck going even when Mark still didn’t— 

“How are Renjun and Yukhei doing? The boy never tells me about the older anymore.” Dr. Kang laughed which Donghyuck could relate to.

Renjun and Yukhei started dating at the end of the spring semester. They tried to keep it as lowkey as possible, but failed quickly when they were caught making out on their living room couch. 

Jeno screamed and Donghyuck just shook his head (with a smile of course) before going into his bedroom to pretend he did not see Yukhei grind into his friend just seconds earlier. 

It was nice though, to see the two of them together after all those months of them pining in silence like some teenage angst romance novel. Donghyuck could see a jolt in Renjun’s step when they went to their appointments together. Only to leave in two separate cars (God bless Yukhei for having a license). 

“They are doing really good. Renjun doesn’t talk much about it but I think that is just his vibe.” Donghyuck said. 

Renjun never mentioned why he goes to therapy and Donghyuck didn’t push because the older still didn't know why Donghyuck was here too. It was comfortable like that. It did sit on Donghyuck’s conscience though, the thought of telling him. 

“I want you to know that I wouldn’t advise you to talk to Renjun if I didn’t think he could handle it.” Dr. Kang's words were just the right amount of support Donghyuck needed. He could trust those words, well knowing that she would never lead him down a path as dangerous as that one could be. 

Donghyuck ended up telling both Renjun and Yukhei. Which was fine because Yukhei was involved with this whole mess he created in the first place. But this was the first time Donghyuck would be mentioning both Myungdae and Taehyeong to someone(s). That sat heavy in his stomach, like a bag of fucking bricks. 

Dr. Kang reminded him that all he had to say was that he was assaulted twice, or once, or that he could not tell them at all. It was up to him on how much he shared or didn’t share. It was up to how much power he wanted to let go, just for it to be given back. 

He told them after Renjun’s appointment because Mark was busy due to a school summer program aimed for incoming kindergartens. Donghyuck only allowed it because Mark sent him the cutest selfies with the babies making his heart melt like the pussy he was. 

Yukhei picked up both Renjun and Donghyuck. The two were going to go on their weekly date after Renjun’s appointment so they dropped Donghyuck off at their apartment. But before he left the car, Donghyuck stopped himself and took a deep breath. 

“I want to share with you guys why I’m going to see Dr. Kang.” Donghyuck stated and waited to hear a response if he could continue or not. 

“I know you are going on a date after this and I don’t want to ruin the mood. You know what? This can wait and we can talk later—”

“You can tell us whenever you want Donghyuck.” Renjun spoke then put a hand over the younger’s. Donghyuck grinned and opened his mouth for the words to tumble out. 

Donghyuck told them that: _I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and uh, it happened again when I was 19 too so yeah, that’s what is up with me,_ and he didn’t imagine any sort of response he was going to get (at the wise words of Dr. Kang and his projecting problem). 

But Donghyuck never, and he means never, expected this.

“My mom died suddenly, in a car accident the summer before school started. Uh, I had to switch offices from my hometown to here and that’s why I’m still doing the thing, too.” Renjun admitted, causing Donghyuck’s heart to seize in his chest. 

He had no clue. And he told Renjun this causing the older to laugh. Donghyuck could see Yukhei holding onto his boyfriend’s hand that was shaking just slightly at the confession. 

Renjun told Donghyuck that no one really knew (except Yukhei), not because it was a secret, but because it was simply hard to talk about which Donghyuck accepted 100%. Donghyuck couldn’t imagine his mother dying right before school, especially college. 

In that moment he believed Renjun to be one of the strongest people he has ever had the privilege of meeting. 

Donghyuck left the car with a heavy heart for his friend, but a clearer mind after getting that off his chest once more. It was like the more Donghyuck talked about it, the better he felt. It just strengthened the idea that he wasn’t alone and it made it easier to move on. 

Right as Yukhei pulled out, Donghyuck remembered that he didn’t mention Myungdae’s name. That the whole reason why he kissed Yukhei was because of Myungdae and what he had done. But as the car left Donghyuck’s sight, he realized that it didn’t matter. 

_Details, details, no one needs to know them except—_

“I’m glad to hear that your conversation with Renjun and Yukhei went well.” Dr. Kang looked like she just came from a crocheting club. How she wears sweaters in the heat of the summer will always be a mystery to Donghyuck. 

“I just wasn’t expecting Renjun to share with me about his mom.” Donghyuck confessed which Dr. Kang looked puzzled by. 

“He told you?” She asked and Donghyuck told her a little more in detail what actually went down during his own confession. 

She looked confused, but with a positive note strung on to it. She looked like that was the last thing she was expecting. 

“I’m happy that Renjun decided to share. I have been trying to get him to open up just as I have with you and I’m very happy he took the steps to.” 

It reminded Donghyuck of the time where Renjun and he were walking to their appointments and the older told him about everyone having their own story. A story where you may play a main character and you have no clue, or you may be the antagonist in someone else’s eyes. 

Donghyuck hoped that he played a character in Renjun’s life that helped him along as much as the older did for him. 

“Let’s talk about Jeno. You don’t mention him often.” 

Now there wasn’t a reason why Donghyuck didn’t mention Jeno other than there was rarely anything to talk about. Jeno and he just sort of live together. Donghyuck has never really had any break through moments with the older to consider him more than a roommate. 

Well, there was this one time. 

Donghyuck didn’t know if this was true or not, but he was (and still is) pretty sure that Jeno was an actual insomniac. Anytime Donghyuck got up in the middle of the night to get water, Jeno was up playing video games or even just reading. 

And anytime Donghyuck had to get up extremely early to go to his old job, Jeno was also up either working out or just getting out of the shower even when he didn’t have classes until later that afternoon. 

Donghyuck never asked him about it, but there was a night where Donghyuck decided to linger. Jeno was sitting at the dinner table with his head pressed up against it. The younger looked over to see that he was trying to sleep, but clearly wasn’t. 

So he sat down with Jeno and talked to him. He let the older talk, but a lot of it was about useless shit. However, the dark circles under the older’s eyes were a little worrisome and it made Donghyuck pity him. Donghyuck stayed up with Jeno for the rest of the night. They watched the sun rise and went their separate ways. 

Jeno reminded Donghyuck of a younger version of himself. The version where he would stay up for hours on end, maybe as a form of punishment for all the grief he had stored in his body. The days where Donghyuck couldn’t sleep because he felt like Myungdae was right above him. 

“Uh, Jeno and I don’t really talk I guess.” Donghyuck told Dr. Kang about that one weird night where they bonded but not really. 

“I think you should tell Jeno if you want to. I don’t think there is any reason not to tell him, but I also don’t think there is any reason to tell him. I think this one is up to you. However, I want to make sure you are sleeping now.” 

Ah right, he mentioned the punishment thing. 

“I do. I get nightmares here and there, but for the most part my sleep schedule is good. It has gotten better since I started talking to you.” Donghyuck stated the truth which Dr. Kang saw easily. 

But Donghyuck still got nightmares. It was on one of those nights where Donghyuck tossed and turned in bed but couldn’t get Taehyeong’s face out of his mind, and when he got up, he ran into Jeno. 

The older was sitting at the dinner table again but he had school books piled on top of the table. Donghyuck thought the flimsy thing was going to collapse under the weight of all of Jeno’s school work. 

Jeno had his head down on the table again when Donghyuck approached him. This time the older could hear Donghyuck’s footsteps because his head rose before he could even sit down. He pulled out a chair and sat down quietly, not really wanting to start a conversation with: _hey I was assaulted and have nightmares about it, what’s up with you?_

“You remember that time when we went to that one party and how I got shitfaced? Uh, the one where we dyed my hair green and I almost threw up in the Lyft ride the way back home?” Donghyuck asked Jeno who seemed to be blindsided by the random memory; and yet smiled. 

“Yeah I do, we were all so worried that you were going to throw up and the dude still drove under the speed limit. That was the night after you broke up with Taehyeong right?” 

Donghyuck let the question sit in the air for a bit. He wanted to say yes and then spill into his story about everything that happened the day and morning before that awful party. But it felt forced, it felt weird. It felt different from when Donghyuck talked to Jaemin and Renjun. 

“Yeah it was that one.” Donghyuck answered and looked down at his hands. He knew that he could make eye contact with Jeno and nothing bad would happen, but some days (or nights) it was hard to remember that he was safe. 

“Hey Duckie,” Donghyuck looked up from his hands and stared into Jeno’s eyes. “You can talk to me.”

Donghyuck smiled then laughed shortly. It was hard to mention this to someone who took part in getting Taehyeong in his life. It was Renjun and Jeno who swiped right on him in the first place. And even though Donghyuck didn’t blame them for what happened, it just made it a little hard to accept that they were a part of it all along. 

“Taehyeong assaulted me the day before the party.” Donghyuck whispered, still looking Jeno in the eye, but turned away right after the words left his mouth. 

This was the first time Donghyuck thought he was going to cry when telling someone. 

He heard a book shut close then felt movement near his hand, but the second he felt the warmth of Jeno’s body heat it was gone a moment later. Donghyuck finally looked back and saw the older’s hand inches away from his. 

“Can I…” Jeno looked at Donghyuck’s hand and that was when he realized his friend was asking if he could touch him. So he nodded for him to continue. 

Jeno grabbed his hand and held it, not gently like Donghyuck was going to crack under pressure. No, Jeno held his hand like Donghyuck had power. He saw a war going through his friend’s mind and Donghyuck wished he could take that away. But Donghyuck wished that for a lot of things. 

They sat there in silence, long enough for Donghyuck to think Jeno wasn’t going to ask any questions. But the second he thought that was the second Jeno opened his mouth and asked: _does Mark know?_

“You are the first person to ask that.” Donghyuck murmured, now remembering why he never wanted to talk about this in the kitchen. The words seemed to echo out in this open space and he wished they didn’t. 

“No he doesn’t… I’m going to tell him next.” Donghyuck told Jeno. His friend’s grip got tighter, but it wasn’t painful. It made Donghyuck feel alive to be honest. 

“If he ever does something like that to you, I will kill him.” Jeno said back to Donghyuck, causing the younger to laugh but he could tell that Jeno was partially not kidding. 

Donghyuck wanted to ask Jeno why he was awake, surrounded by books, but no paper, pens, or notes in sight. He wanted to ask Jeno if he wanted to talk to Donghyuck about anything. But Jeno’s words rang in his head: _you can talk to me._

And Donghyuck knew that applied to Jeno talking to him too, so like any good friend Donghyuck was going to wait, just like how his friends did for him. Even when it hurt to. 

All of this took months and led up to this moment right here. Donghyuck sitting in Dr. Kang’s office and him looking everywhere but her like this is his first visit. He knows what she wants him to talk about, but it still— 

_Details, details, details._

“Tell me about Mark.”

  


  


Donghyuck and Mark’s relationship has been good for the last couple months. 

Okay, it hasn’t been good. It hasn’t been bad either though, don’t get Donghyuck wrong. He still loves Mark as much as he did the night with the mist and the roses. If anything Donghyuck loves Mark even more with each passing day. 

But the thing is, the longer Donghyuck has been hiding away from Mark, the more stagnant their relationship has gotten. 

And Donghyuck knows (he knows and knows and knows) that it isn’t his fault, but it also isn’t Mark’s fault. It’s neither of their fault and that’s probably the most frustrating part of this whole mess. 

Because Mark is careful, more careful than he was before. Mark is so _fucking_ careful now that he doesn’t touch Donghyuck at all. He can’t even remember the last time they have tried anything in the bedroom, mostly due to Mark’s misplaced fear. 

Sure Donghyuck is still uneasy and a little paranoid about a drifting touch on a naked patch of skin. Sure Donghyuck doesn’t like Mark looking at him a certain way for too long. Sure he doesn’t like Mark holding him for long periods of time. Sure— 

So Donghyuck was still working through a lot and Mark has a good moral code. But… 

Donghyuck wants Mark, like he actually wants him. In _that_ way, the way he refuses to say out loud because he still finds anything of that sort to be embarrassing. Maybe it’s because he thinks he is sick for wanting something that has hurt him so much. 

Talking to someone about your sex life (or lack of one in Donghyuck’s case) is as uncomofrtable as you possibily could get. Donghyuck remembers his mom telling him about how you don’t talk about the ‘Big 3’ in public: religion, politics, and sex. 

Not like Donghyuck was talking about sex at the grocery store or something, he was talking about it with his fucking therapist. It’s the whole reason why he is at therapy; well, one of the bigger reasons at least. 

But honestly even after months of therapy you’d think he would be able to answer a question about masturbating without blushing. And yet, here we are. 

“Uh Mark and I are good.” Donghyuck has been avoiding this question for a while now, mostly due to the fact that Donghyuck has lied only once during his therapy sessions. 

And this is going to out him with a big fucking red ‘X’ on his Goddamn forehead. 

“Now that we have talked about your friends, I think it would be good to finally bring your partner and our intimacy talks together. After all, Mark was the first person you told and you have been working on the exercises I gave you to do together as a couple.” Dr. Kang has a new set of “exercises” in her hand that she hands over to Donghyuck. 

He stares at the orderly packet (as always) and skims the front page— wait, _what the fuck?_

“You want me to try to have _sex_ with him?” Donghyuck sputters out, wide eyed and has to stop himself from throwing the papers back at her. Dr. Kang laughs at his outburst and shakes her head. 

“No, I want you to have the right information for whenever you decide to go about it. It will be scary for you no matter what, but instead of relying on someone to tell you what is going to happen, I thought it would give you some peace of mind if you read up on it.” She explains, pointing to the packet and sometimes Donghyuck hates how right she is. 

Maybe he hates how wrong he is. 

Donghyuck was supposed to talk to Mark first. 'Supposed' is the wrong word, he was _strongly_ encouraged to talk to Mark first about his assaults so they could start doing these “exercises” that Dr. Kang gave him. 

And the “exercises” were just, sad. They were simple: let your partner place their hand on your bare back, hold hands for ‘X’ amount of time, talk about what your past partners did that made you uncomfortable, fucking _cuddling_ was one of them. And all of them made Donghyuck so fucking sad because why did he have to start at square one?

Everyone else was just able to fuck around as they pleased, he even knows Mark lost his virginity to a fucking girl back in high school. Why did Donghyuck have to get assaulted? Why did he have to fall behind, especially because it wasn’t his choice to. 

Why did it have to happen to him?

It made Donghyuck angry and confused and sad and angry again. So he just ignored it which meant he ignored Mark too. 

More or less, Donghyuck fucked up because all of this would have been fine if he just told Dr. Kang he didn’t talk to Mark about it. But of course, past Donghyuck did the exact opposite and told Dr. Kang that: _yeah I talked to Mark about it, we do the exercises every week, we are making so much progress!_

When, in fucking fact, Donghyuck hasn’t said a damn thing to his boyfriend and Mark is as far away from him as you can be while still being in a relationship. 

“I lied.” Donghyuck admits. He wants to hang his head low in shame like he is about to be scolded for breaking the family heirloom.

“What did you lie about?” Dr. Kang asks, she tries to hide the shock in her voice, but it comes out right at the end of the question. Donghyuck thinks it’s because of how long they have known each other. 

“I— I never told Mark, about what happened.” Donghyuck feels bad for lying, mostly because it doesn’t hurt anyone except himself. 

Dr. Kang stays quiet for a moment, probably trying to figure out what to do from here. Donghyuck doesn’t blame her, he has been honest all the way through and this is really the biggest speed bump they have now faced through all of this. 

The worst part is that Donghyuck knows why he hasn’t told Mark and he just refuses to say it out loud, even to Dr. Kang. He does feel shame whenever he thinks about it and he knows he should say something but— 

“Is the reason why you haven’t talked to Mark about it because of Taehyeong?” Dr. Kang asks steadily.

Donghyuck swallows. He knows he heard the words because they are bouncing around in his head like crazy. But he feels like he can’t speak; he thinks it’s because she’s right, again. 

When Donghyuck told Taehyeong what happened with Myungdae, it was because he felt (sort of) safe in that moment to voice his concerns. He wanted Taehyeong to know what he was getting himself into because if the man didn’t want to take it slow, then he needed to go. 

And Taehyeong said he was okay with slow, he told Donghyuck that he would take care of him. As stupid as it sounds, Donghyuck trusted him. He trusted that Taehyeong would take care of him because that’s what Donghyuck wanted, more than anything else. 

Instead, he got the exact opposite. He got the comments about how it wasn’t even bad and that he was just being sensitive. That what Myungdae did to him (at 15 fucking years old) wasn’t traumatic, it was normal. That couples do that, that couples— 

Maybe the truth can’t hurt Donghyuck, but it also can’t stop Donghyuck from getting hurt. And even though his mom told him that Mark would’ve hurt him by now if he really wanted to, it still kept him up at night. That one day Mark would become someone he couldn’t recognize. 

That Mark would be the new Myungdae, the new Taehyeong, and Donghyuck wouldn’t even know until it was too late. Until he was laying naked, shaking in the sheets of his own bed, alone again to pick up every shattered piece. 

That’s why Donghyuck never told Mark. 

“Yeah.” Donghyuck feels a wave of guilt crashing into him when he admits his doubts of trusting Mark to Dr. Kang. 

He wants to trust Mark, but he doesn’t know how. 

Dr. Kang’s expression is somber, but she tries to grin at him which Donghyuck appreciates. He knows she is just trying to help him and he is thankful for that, even with all the bullshit he is now bringing into their sessions. 

“Loving someone is not enough to make a relationship last. No matter how hard we try to make it be enough, it never will be.” Dr. Kang’s voice is soft. Donghyuck closes his eyes and works on his breathing with the techniques she gave him after their first session. 

“I cannot teach you how to trust, but I can support you and direct you to give and let go. You may not even know it, but _you do trust Mark._ That is not the issue, what you are facing right now is that you are afraid that you have made a mistake in doing so.” 

Donghyuck trusted Myungdae, Donghyuck trusted Taehyeong, and Donghyuck trusts Mark so if he trusts Mark that means it could happen again, right? 

He already was wrong in thinking what happened with Myungdae would never happen again, let alone worse. Does that mean it will happen again? That Donghyuck is stuck in his violent cycle of breaking his back for people to walk over him until the day he dies?

Was Donghyuck truly made to be everyone else’s, except his own?

“I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t— I wouldn’t be able to take it.” Donghyuck wants to cry and he feels so gross because it’s Mark. Mark who he loves and Mark who he fucking trusts, but does that really mean anything to him anymore?

“Yes you would. It would hurt so much, but you would be able to. Donghyuck, you are so much braver than any person who stands beside you. I am very proud to see how far you have come.” Dr. Kang praises him out of all things and Donghyuck lets out a shaky laugh. 

“But I messed up right? I want to, I want to try, uh, you know. But he’s just going to pull back even more when I tell him about all of this, and all those exercises we were supposed to do—” Donghyuck starts rambling, but stops himself with a sigh.

“I’m projecting again, aren’t I?”

Dr. Kang nods. 

“You didn’t mess anything up, this isn’t a race. You can take this however slow or fast you want to. At the end of the day, it is you and your partner’s choice in whether you have sex or not. But if you are ready and Mark is ready then the only thing stopping you is yourself.” Dr. Kang explains. 

“I do think it’s important for you to talk about your history with Myungdae and Taehyeong before bringing up the idea of starting to get intimate. It will give you and him time to talk about what you do and don’t like, what you are willing and not willing to do. I also believe that you would benefit from doing some of those exercises that I gave you. But you will do what you think is right for your relationship. I have faith in you.”

Donghyuck can’t remember the last time someone said that to him that weren’t his own parents. 

“Thank you.” Donghyuck whispers, but he knows Dr. Kang heard him because she smiles brightly at him. It glows in the light of the sun that heats up the office and everywhere else around Donghyuck. 

“Don’t thank me, thank yourself. You have done a lot of good work over the last months. I believe in you to give yourself time to feel at ease and at rest.” She tells Donghyuck who almost takes it as her kicking him out of her practise which she shakes her head at.

“I’m here as long as you think you need me.” 

Donghyuck leaves the office and finds Mark’s car quickly. Normally the older would be standing against it, like he does during the winter, but due to the heat advisory that is out over the whole town he is sitting in his car with the AC on blast. 

He knocks on the passenger side window to single Mark to unlock the car door. The older does this with a smile stitched across his face. It is a look Donghyuck will never get tired of. When Donghyuck climbs into the car, he lets out a small: _hello,_ which Mark replies with: _sup._

Donghyuck bites his lip and wants to ask Mark for a kiss, mostly because he doesn’t remember the last time they had. 

So with the little bit of courage he has, Donghyuck grabs Mark’s hand that is by his stick shift before he can put the car into the right gear. Mark looks up at him with a question written in his eyes and Donghyuck sighs. 

He really shouldn’t do this in a car right after a high he has gotten due to his therapist basically hyping him up. But man if he doesn’t do it now, he never will. 

“I want to have sex with you.” Donghyuck says bluntly, shoving the packet about safe sex (and _positions,_ Jesus) into his boyfriend’s hands. 

And you know, with having an idiot of a boyfriend for the last six months now, Donghyuck should have known that would cause Mark to choke on his own spit. 

Donghyuck scrambles to find Mark’s HydroFlask that is in the back seat of his car (for some fucking reason) while also laughing at his boyfriend cough like a maniac. Once he finds the thing that shockingly has water in it, he gives Mark the water bottle in hopes that drinking water would calm him down. 

It does not. 

“What— what do you mean you wanna have sex?” Mark coughs out and Donghyuck has to hold himself back from hitting the older on the chest. 

“Well, when two people love each other very much—” “Oh _shut the fuck up._ ”

Donghyuck smiles and he wishes that he was a different person for a second, that having sex would be normal and that it wouldn’t have taken all this time, effort, and pain to get to this moment. He wishes he could get fucked in the back of this car right now, and he knows he will never get that. 

He tries to make peace with that then moves on. 

“I— we need to talk.” Donghyuck says truthfully, letting his wall of sarcasm and all things good fall down for a second. To let Mark look inside the cramped space of Donghyuck’s mind that still holds fears, tears, and years of secrets he has held close to his heart. 

“Okay, let’s talk.” Mark says and God, he is smiling at Donghyuck. Of course he is because he is Mark, he isn’t Myungdae or Taehyeong, he is Mark. And Mark is safe. 

Mark is safe; that’s really all Donghyuck needs right now. Someone to make him feel at ease. 

“Can we go to yours, we can go to mine if not but…” Donghyuck trails off and Mark tells him that his place is fine. That his roommate, Yuta, who Donghyuck met before he went back to Japan for the summer, is still gone for the next couple weeks before school starts back up again. 

The drive to the apartment is quick and Donghyuck holds Mark’s hand the whole time, just to keep himself grounded. He can feel the panic starting to bubble inside of him and he is just trying to keep it together for as long as possible. 

It is hard to believe that all these months of hiding were finally going to come out into the open. Donghyuck knows that Mark probably gets the gist of what he is about to tell him but still, it doesn’t make it any less nerve racking. 

Donghyuck goes straight to the couch in the living room when they get inside of Mark’s apartment. His favorite blanket is folded in the corner where he left it the last time. Donghyuck pulls it apart and cocoons himself in the soft fabric. 

He wants to hide away and never come out, but Mark is sitting by his side and maybe Donghyuck just wants to get a little peek of his face for old times sake. He opens his blanket up to let Mark in, letting himself wrap the older up and press his face into his chest. 

“This is a lot of talking huh.” Mark snorts and Donghyuck wants to punch him so he does, making the older whine like a baby about bruising easily. 

So of course Donghyuck moves his hands and tweaks Mark’s nipples through his shirt for the hell of it, actually getting a rise from the older. He squawks at the contact and makes a note of how it was non-consensual of Donghyuck to do that to him. 

And he knows it was a joke, but it still makes him freeze against Mark, almost horrified at what he did. Donghyuck can feel Mark curl around him, putting a finger under Donghyuck’s chin and lift it ever so lightly to look at him.

“I was joking Duckie.” 

There is no easy way to answer that. It reminds Donghyuck of how much trouble he had when telling Jeno about this. He knows that he could straight out say it like he did with Jaemin, but that approach also doesn’t feel right. 

But none of it will ever feel right. Donghyuck shouldn’t have to be telling his boyfriend about his assaults. However, he does and it will never feel right, and it may never feel clean. 

“I know.” He answers softly before kissing the small piece of skin that is peaking out of Mark’s collar. His lips seem cold to the touch of his boyfriend’s tanned skin. 

“I— I don’t know how to start.” Donghyuck confesses, snuggling into the body next to him. He forgot how warm Mark runs and thinks back (again) on all the wasted time they have had because of the men that haunt Donghyuck like how a ghost and a demon would. 

“Then don’t. Just talk.” 

So Donghyuck talks into the small void they created with two bodies and a cream colored blanket. 

Donghyuck tells him everything, face still in the crook of Mark’s neck and never looking up. He tells Mark about the boy from sixth grade, he tells Mark about meeting Myungdae then dropping him over the summer, he tells Mark about remeeting Myungdae during a football game. 

He tells him about his first Homecoming, he tells him about the Halloween party where Myungdae forced his tongue down Donghyuck’s throat over a piece of candy corn. He tells Mark about the night at Jaemin’s house. 

But he also tells Mark about Haneul and their first date. He tells Mark about Haneul’s mother’s home cooking and his father’s war stories. He tells Mark about Haneul’s sister’s Harry Potter themed birthday party, and tells him about how his candle collection started. 

Donghyuck tells Mark about Taehyeong and the fear. He tells Mark about the pain and the panic and the shame. He tells him about the sleepless nights, the overdrinking, the undereating, and everything in between. 

And he tells Mark about how excited he is for the older to meet his parents. To bring him home so he can see the beach and run in the sand. To take the same drive he and his mom took months ago to see the sunset at the pier all the same. 

By the time Donghyuck is done talking, he thinks he may not be able to breathe due to how tight Mark is hugging him. He pulls his face out from Mark’s neck and sees a couple stray tears lay on his skin. But what is done is done and Donghyuck feels, okay. 

More importantly, Donghyuck feels at ease. 

“You okay?” Donghyuck asks and Mark shakes his head. He could tell Mark started crying quite early into the story and sees that true. Mark’s face is filled with red splotches everywhere and Donghyuck wants it to wipe away his tears. 

He pulls on the corner of the blanket and cups Mark’s cheek, wiping away the few tears that haven’t soaked into the skin just yet. Mark mutters about how he should be the one comforting him and Donghyuck shakes his head at that. 

“You’ve been comforting me since the day we met,” Donghyuck whispers, causing Mark to tear up again. “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”

“Don’t.” Mark croaks out, bringing his own hand to wipe his tears away then moves it to hold Donghyuck’s face. 

“I love you just as much as I did hours ago. I love you just as much right now. And I’ll love you just as much tomorrow, maybe even more. You are singly the bravest person I have ever met in my life and I love you so much. And I’m sorry this is what you had to go through to get this far.” Mark more or less sobs out and Donghyuck smiles at his fucking mess of a boyfriend. 

“You should’ve never had to go through that.” Mark repeats over and over again, Donghyuck holding him in his arms. 

They do this for a while, Mark asking questions, getting himself upset and Donghyuck calming him down. It is interesting to watch someone grieve over something they had no part of, but Donghyuck watches and he remembers and he will never forget. 

And it is in times like these where Donghyuck wants to make it difficult. To make their relationship seem impossible, now that the truth is out there, he wants to run and hide.

“I can’t have you on top of me too long.” “I love you.”

“I don’t know if I’ll get hard.” “I love you.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to blow you.” “I love you.”

“I—” “And I still love you no matter what you say.”

“I like vagina.” “ _Donghyuck._ ”

Donghyuck snickers to himself before quieting back down. He grabs Mark’s hand that is resting on his cheek and puts it against his back, under his shirt. He tenses immediately at the touch, but relaxes slowly as Mark rubs at his bare skin lightly. 

“We will work through it together Duckie, you aren’t alone.”

It is in the way Mark says it, Donghyuck not being alone. Maybe it is the way Donghyuck’s brain has been slowly changing over this period of time of healing. Maybe it was the way the sun hit the windows, casting a gold hue over every single thing in the apartment including Mark’s brow and cheek bones. 

Maybe it is in the way of how time heals all, that Donghyuck can finally agree with the statement he isn’t alone anymore. Not because he ever thought he was, but because he finally believes that the truth isn't as scary as it seems. 

And Donghyuck thinks of home; Donghyuck thinks of _courage._

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> courage... yeah.
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


	7. if you're on the water; take care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex really loses it’s, well you know, _sexy-ness_ when you are a dude who has to clean out his asshole beforehand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have done did it friends, we have made it to the last chapter. who the hell knew i would get this far. the ending notes are a lot longer but i would appreciate it if you read it!
> 
> as a final send off (for beginning notes) here is the number for **RAINN’s sexual assault telephone for their national hotline— 800.656.HOPE(4673).** please give them a call and reach out for help if you are ready.
> 
> story title, chapter one and seven titles comes from the song— if you’re on the water by the saxophones 
> 
> **section warnings:** no warnings, can i get a hell yeah.

  


  


Sex really loses it’s, well you know, _sexy-ness_ when you are a dude who has to clean out his asshole beforehand. It’s sort of like how people don’t talk about how hard it is to find a therapist, except this time is about how uncomfortable it is to flush out your ass. 

Real hot, right?

Maybe it’s Donghyuck’s own stupid idea of that typical Hollywood hot summer romance movie where caution is thrown into the wind and you take your partner on like, the porch or something. And it isn’t gross and nothing goes wrong because it’s a movie and Donghyuck wishes his life was a movie. Not exactly he wants _that_ in the first place, but like. 

Sex took a lot of planning, like a lot of it. It could be due to how much he himself has to prepare mentally and emotionally for it, but hey, at least the physical part he has got covered with the rest of the world. 

Mark and he talked about sex quite often now. After the whole conversation about Donghyuck’s past relationships and their lingering effects on him, he has welcomed (sort of) the casual talk between Mark and him to get on the same page. 

Mark has never made Donghyuck feel uncomfortable, in any way. He has just offered questions here and there for Donghyuck to have the chance to choose to answer or back away for a moment. Because the biggest demon Donghyuck is trying to tame is the idea of pleasure and letting himself have it without feeling, well, gross. 

Dr. Kang was really happy to hear at their next appointment about how Donghyuck metaphorically took the bull by the horns and told Mark about everything right after his last appointment. 

And after that appointment, Mark and Donghyuck have been doing the “exercises” Dr. Kang gave him months ago. Mark is enjoying it to the fullest because it mostly meant that they were having sleepovers almost every night. Donghyuck enjoyed it because Mark was there. 

It started slow. While Donghyuck’s mind was mostly ready to sleep with Mark, his body clearly was not. Whenever Donghyuck got into bed with Mark (purely just to sleep), he would automatically tense up at the feeling of another body being in his bed. 

While he never thought the latter was Myungdae or Taehyeong, his fight or flight senses still triggered something feral in his mind that someone was there and they wanted to hurt him; that someone was there to take and take and take. It sucked, but they were working through it. 

One of Donghyuck’s favorite “exercises” (if he could call something like that a favorite) was when Mark put his hand on his back. It was an easy way for Donghyuck to calm down and ease into whatever they were going to try that night. It was an easy way for Donghyuck to enjoy himself.

Even though Mark didn’t make any comments on his “exercises” other than to praise Donghyuck for doing a good job, he definitely had favorites. One of them being Donghyuck laying on his chest.

He could hear Mark’s heart beat like this so he could tell when his heart would race or even realize that Mark fell asleep with Donghyuck laying across him. Those were some of Donghyuck’s favorite moments to keep locked away, to see how comfortable Mark felt with him. How safe he felt with him. 

The more they did the “exercises”, the faster it became for Donghyuck to relax in bed. He could fall asleep with Mark by his side and not wake up in a panic due to feeling an arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him into the warmth of the older’s body. 

Of course there were a couple times where Donghyuck would feel his chest collapsing on itself. When breathing became a practice that seemed foreign to him. But Mark always took it in stride, moving away from Donghyuck to give him space while still keeping a warm hand on Donghyuck’s freezing back. 

But it was progress. 

Summer is coming to an end now; there is only a week before the next school year starts. Where Donghyuck is going into his Junior year and Mark his Senior. Honestly, that is way more terrifying than anything Donghyuck is going through right now. 

He could think about Mark graduating and becoming a real adult for hours on end, making himself go crazy with what if’s. However, Donghyuck decides that is a waste of time when the school year hasn’t even started yet. He will worry about it later. 

Donghyuck asked Mark to go back home with him a week before school started which the older ecstatically agreed to and that was only a few days away. They are going to stay at Donghyuck’s house and even the younger is more excited than worried about it. 

Right now, Mark and Donghyuck are camped out in Donghyuck’s apartment while Jaemin, Renjun, and Jeno are out of town, visiting their own families before the school year begins. Mark hasn’t left once due to his family being all the way in Canada. 

So really it is the least Donghyuck can do, bringing Mark back to meet his parents so he can have at least one house in the country to call home too. 

It’s been fun having Mark around in the apartment; mostly because the older was always in a wear of sweatpants and slippers, a look that somehow always caused Donghyuck’s heart to seize up. Even when all Mark was doing was watching TV or drooling on the couch cushions while napping in the afternoon sun like a cat. 

Nothing felt forced with Mark. They were pushing Donghyuck to open up more and try new things (like Mark laying across his chest). It was a process, but slowly Donghyuck was able to stay under Mark longer and not hate his life. 

One thing Donghyuck was still struggling with though is being undressed in front of Mark. 

Easily one of the most embarrassing “exercises” Donghyuck has been given is showering with Mark, like actually showering. That is it, nothing else. Just showering. It is fucking weird. 

The first time Mark and Donghyuck tried it, they went into the shower with clothes on and the lights off. Donghyuck didn’t want to take his shirt off and kept his boxers on because he just couldn’t do it, not yet. Mark went in with his boxers on. 

Mark held him under the warm water, letting it cascade over them and not getting bothered by the heavy weight of their wet clothes. Donghyuck can’t really remember anything except his head against Mark’s chest and the older’s hand in his hair. 

The next time they tried it, the lights were still off and Donghyuck was shirtless. He wasn’t ready for the actual showering part just yet, but this time both of them went in with swim trunks on. 

Donghyuck let Mark wash his hair and did the same for the latter, but they washed their bodies themselves (as best they could semi-clothed) and got out promptly after. 

But the third time was different. 

Donghyuck turned the lights off then swiftly turned them back on. Mark raised an eyebrow at him and Donghyuck just nodded his head, affirming mostly to himself that he wanted them on this time. 

They went in with their swim trunks on and Donghyuck stood there under the water with Mark for a couple moments, trying to find the courage he wanted so badly to stay for just a little while longer to do something incredibly brave. 

“I think… I wanna try no clothes.” Donghyuck mumbled against Mark’s collarbone. The older let Donghyuck back away just enough for him to grip his own trunks to slip them down. 

Mark kept a hand on Donghyuck’s arm while the younger shakily took off the last of his clothes. Donghyuck stepped out of the trunks and pushed them to the side of the shower, moving towards Mark, but looked past him at the white tiled walls. 

Mark asked if he could do the same which Donghyuck nodded to. He was trying everything in his power to not freak out and Mark could tell. He got out of his swim trunks faster than Donghyuck did, but the motion was all the same. 

And there they were, naked in a shower. Just like how a shower should go. 

“Can you— can you hold me?” Donghyuck asked weakly, looking through the water that was hitting his face to gaze up at Mark.

Mark moved slowly, like Donghyuck was going to dodge his touch at any moment, but when Donghyuck didn’t pull away, Mark pressed Donghyuck’s chest to his and put a hand against his back. 

“I’m so proud of you.” Mark whispered over and over again while Donghyuck cried softly because he could finally admit being proud of himself.

Now, Donghyuck has his back pressed against Mark’s chest, leaning his head back to rest on the older’s shoulder. This is probably the third time they have done this without Donghyuck having a freak out before it. 

They sit under the water until it starts to turn cold, only then do they start washing each other’s hair and bodies. It still stresses Donghyuck out whenever Mark has his hands on him, but it is bearable. The soap feels soft on his skin and Donghyuck decides he would rather focus on that. 

Per usual, Mark wraps a towel around Donghyuck first when they exit the shower then gets his own. Donghyuck sits down on the toilet seat and watches Mark do his stupid skincare routine. He only does this because if he waits long enough, Mark will blow dry his hair for him.

Donghyuck watches Mark with careful eyes and thinks about all the conversations they have had about their first time. They always talked about it in hypotheticals because it gave Donghyuck peace of mind that he wasn’t actually holding out this whole thing for Mark. 

“So hypothetically speaking, would it be okay if we did it at your place or mine place?” Mark once asked while making dinner. Donghyuck coughed at the sudden question but answered with a meek: _mine._

And it became a pattern.

“So hypothetically speaking, would you rather top or bottom?” Mark asks while they are folding fucking laundry. Donghyuck goes red in the face with so much embarrassment that Mark has to put down the shirt he was folding to let the younger bury his face into the older’s neck. 

“I— God Mark why do you have to ask?” Donghyuck whines which makes Mark let out a gleeful laugh. After a couple minutes of calming down and going back to folding, Donghyuck tells Mark that he would rather bottom (embarrassing, embarrassing, _embarrassing_ ). 

Maybe it’s because Mark has no shame and due to the fact that Donghyuck has never not told him to stop asking that he continues to bring up these questions on a daily basis. Donghyuck is happy Mark is asking them to be honest because God knows he would never be able to bring it up on his own. 

Even in these weird ass (read: terrifying) situations, Donghyuck is glad he has someone like Mark in his life to make this whole thing a lot less painfully awkward than it needs to be. 

“So hypothetically speaking, you’d tell me when you are ready right?” Mark asks in the dark of the night, music playing in the background while his head lays directly above Donghyuck’s heart. They are in Donghyuck’s bed and Mark is against the wall.

Donghyuck tenses for a moment, waiting for dread to fill every part of his body at the question, but is met with nothing. No dread, no fear, no terror, just plain, old nothing. 

“Yes.” He whispers into the dark and settles into the feeling of Mark nuzzling his cheek into his chest. 

It’s in memories like these accompanied with the late night conversations about Donghyuck’s nightmares that caused Mark to wake up because of his thrashing, the times where Donghyuck does space out and Mark brings him back to reality with a gentle voice, in the way Mark holds him the way Donghyuck always wished to be held, that gift Donghyuck with a powerful sense of ease. 

“Mark,” Donghyuck says, looking up from his phone to see Mark’s face covered in shaving cream. “I’m ready.”

And so they start planning. They put a date on the calendar and move towards it. It’s anticlimactic to be honest, mostly because Mark and him go about their days just like they usually do, even when they reach the day written on the wall.

They pack together, going over to Mark’s apartment and finally filling up one of his suitcases with flimsy clothes to wear at the beach and at least one nice outfit just in case Donghyuck’s parents plan to take them out to a nice dinner (well knowing that they will). 

Donghyuck sits on Mark’s bed with Yuta. They talk about the older man’s time back in Japan and how excited he is to start the Master’s program at their university. Donghyuck gets roped in easily and lets Mark watch from afar. 

They go back to Donghyuck’s place and Mark helps him pack, mostly because Donghyuck doesn’t want to. Donghyuck packed better under pressure, it was easier for him to struggle minutes before leaving because then he would finally make a decision. 

But Donghyuck has fun packing with Mark, throwing stupid things he finds hiding in his drawers and closet at the other. After throwing another tiny stuffed animal at Mark’s head, the older seems to have finally cracked because he picks up Donghyuck and tackles him on his bed.

They roll around and laugh until Donghyuck feels like his lungs are on fire. Both are laying on their backs, staring at Donghyuck’s ceiling fan that is working overtime in the hot season. Donghyuck feels Mark’s hand pick up his own. He turns his head to look over at his boyfriend who holds worry all over his face.

“What’s up?” Donghyuck asks and it almost looks like Mark is going to just respond with a shrug like he does whenever he is stressed out for an exam.

“I just— I want to make sure you are ready without feeling like I’m pushing you away or something.” Mark says with a sad smile on his face; Donghyuck mirrors him, turning on his side to look at him closely. 

Mark has done a really good job not pushing Donghyuck away and trusting him to tell the older when enough was enough. Donghyuck has opened up so much these past few weeks for Mark to read his body language and realize Donghyuck is reaching his limit, but lets him be the one to voice when to cut it. 

“I did not clean out my asshole to not do this.” Donghyuck says bluntly causing Mark to roll his eyes, but his grin seems a little happier after the stupid comment.

“Like you told me, we are in this together.” Donghyuck says as seriously as he can manage which isn’t a lot, but it is enough. 

Donghyuck sits up and sees his floor a mess due to all of the clothes he has yet to pack, but he will probably do at 2AM. They are driving to his house in Mark’s car so they really don’t need to be ready at any specific time tomorrow to leave. They just have to make it into town by dinner time. 

So Donghyuck turns away and leans over to turn on his rock salt lamp. He moves to close the drapes near his bed, but keeps the blinds open so some light can escape into the room. When he turns back around Mark is sitting up, watching him move. 

“Lube and condoms are in the drawer that you organized because I have definitely not moved them.” Donghyuck points to and Mark nods. 

“This is going to be the most awkward first time ever and I know it is. You are going to have to talk through everything like we discussed and it’s going to be so _not hot_ and God I hope this isn’t—” Donghyuck starts rambling but closes himself down. No projecting, not right now.

Not for this.

Mark takes his hand again and squeezes it, Donghyuck squeezes back. 

“I’m ready.”

And in true Mark and Donghyuck fashion, they take things slow. Everything they do is slow, how Donghyuck wakes up in the morning and Mark goes to sleep at night. How they brush their teeth next to each other before Mark goes to work and Donghyuck goes grocery shopping. How both of them want, but just not yet.

It’s in the way Mark’s back is pressed against the headboard, Donghyuck in his lap shaking in his arms as the older runs a hand over his back. The way Mark counts to 10 with Donghyuck as he tries to get his breathing back in check. In the way Donghyuck mouths at the side of Mark’s neck before telling him to keep pushing in as he sinks down.

It’s in the way of how Mark listens and trusts and loves. How he is always willing to give but take as well. How Mark lets Donghyuck submit his power and be vulnerable for only a second before being vulnerable right back with him, giving the power Donghyuck handed to him back over.

“I love you.” Donghyuck breathes out, feeling Mark all around him. Feeling Mark press his forehead against his collarbone as he keeps still for Donghyuck to get used to the feel of him inside. 

“I love you.” Mark says back, kissing his skin. He helps Donghyuck move with one hand placed at his hip, but makes sure to keep the other one resting on the middle of Donghyuck’s back. 

And it isn’t perfect. The amount of times where Donghyuck does think the world is going to end is not a small number, but he lets himself get wrapped up in the feeling of Mark rocking into him. His own hands gripping at the older’s back like a lifeline and moaning softly into his neck. 

Donghyuck lets himself feel and want. A feeling he never thought he would ever get, or at least not get without shame tethered onto it like a chained lead ball. He lets himself sink into feeling good, feeling pleasure without wanting to whip his own back for wanting such things. 

Donghyuck lets go and it isn’t perfect, but it is enough. Luckily, Donghyuck never wanted perfect. 

Mark cleans him up with a towel and crawls back into bed. He gives Donghyuck space, but welcomes the younger into his arms when he moves to press into his heat. Their breathing keeps the silence at bay and Donghyuck can’t remember the last time his head has been so quiet. 

Donghyuck falls asleep with an ‘I love you’ pressed into his temple and dreams of nothing. And who knew the void could be so warm.

  


  


Donghyuck’s hair flutters in the wind. The air around him is warm and humid, but he bathes in it. 

Mark drives along the coastline with all the windows down and lets their music sing out into the open air. The seashore seems so close that Donghyuck feels the salt of it resting against his tongue. The sun is setting, but Donghyuck decides to keep his sunglasses on.

The wind whips around them as it enters the car. They have been driving for a couple hours and it finally feels good to see something so familiar after all these months of trying so many new things. 

It feels different to be back home. Donghyuck feels different from the last time he was back here and he thinks that maybe every time he visits, he will be a new version of himself. He sort of hopes that to be true. 

Donghyuck is holding Mark’s hand as he drives. Mark was the one to whine about how unsafe it was for him to drive for so long without both hands, but that just made Donghyuck hold on a little tighter. He played with the older’s fingers until he cracked them one too many times. 

So now he is just holding his hand, like all those times his mother and father did in front of him. 

There isn’t a cloud in the sky and the ocean seems calm beside the shoreline. The sky is made up of yellows that seep into a beautiful dark blue to signal the oncoming night. Donghyuck’s other hand sits outside of the window, swaying in the wind. 

He can feel the air push against his hand, trying to move it. But Donghyuck keeps his wrist strong and pushes forward, onward into the sky and feels like he is flying. 

Donghyuck directs Mark into his neighborhood when they start getting close. His car groans as it finally stops right in front of his house. Only then does Donghyuck take his sunglasses off and ruffle his hair to tame it enough so he doesn’t get criticized the second he sees his mother. 

But honestly if he cared about that, he would’ve just worn a hat like Mark did. He looks over to see Mark twisting his way into the back seat. Donghyuck rolls his eyes when he sees the bouquet of white roses come into view.

Donghyuck pushes Mark’s hat off of his head and messes with his hair to get some volume back into it. The soft strands feel good on Donghyuck’s skin and move easily in whatever way Donghyuck deems to look good enough. 

“You didn’t need to do that.” Donghyuck complains about the flowers, mostly because he knows his mother is going to make a comment about how Donghyuck never brought her anything when he came back home. 

Mark can read right through Donghyuck though, knowing that he was the one who really wanted the flowers. So he pulls a single rose out of the bouquet and hands it to him along with a kiss pressed softly into the side of his cheek. Donghyuck wonders how much time they have before his parents notice the car parked outside. 

He twists his head to catch Mark’s lips right as they leave his cheek. The kiss is chaste, but full. It makes Donghyuck’s insides curl and everything in him wants to go towards Mark like the Earth to the Sun, the Moon to the Earth. But he breaks the kiss with a small peck and makes his way out of the car.

Donghyuck leans against the passenger door after he closes it and waits for Mark to join him. The bouquet is still in his hands and he can tell that Mark is a little more nervous than what he shows, mostly because he can feel the other’s leg bouncing from a mile away. 

Everything in Donghyuck wants to put that stupid _fucking_ bouquet on top of the car and smash his lips against the older’s, but he holds back, well knowing his parents are probably watching them through a window like the stalkers they are. 

Mark’s nerves remind him of Myungdae and how he couldn’t look his father in the eye, but talked such a big game before meeting him. And how much Myungdae let him down because of it. 

Haneul didn’t talk to Donghyuck’s parents a lot but enough for his mom to swoon over him even years after they broke up about how much she liked him. Enough for even his father to make a comment years later about how Haneul was a good kid. 

And Taehyeong always talked about how excited he was to meet his parents. About how he wanted to meet his father who looks like a famous celebrity (which is slightly true). But Donghyuck is pretty sure he just wanted to meet Donghyuck’s parents so he could lock him down, to make it harder for Donghyuck to leave. 

“You nervous?” Donghyuck asks Mark while elbowing him in the side. Mark groans at the nudge but doesn’t answer Donghyuck’s question immediately which is telling enough. 

“Yeah I am, but I’ll make it through.” Mark finally responds with a humble sort of confidence in his voice. Donghyuck nods his head at the response and deems it worthy. 

If Mark didn’t look so cute while nervous, Donghyuck would tell him about how he would never bring someone home to meet his parents if he didn’t think they were going to stay together for a very (very) long time. 

Maybe he would even tell him about the late night conversations Donghyuck had with his mom while Mark was peacefully asleep beside him, about how excited he was to bring him home. 

Donghyuck doesn’t even know if Mark knows Taehyeong never met them. He’ll keep that for a rainy day. 

“They’ll love you.” Donghyuck grabs Mark’s hand and thumbs across the skin encouragingly. 

Before either of them can make another comment, Donghyuck hears the front door swing open with the force of his mother to back it. He turns his head to see her run out of the house and his father stand in the doorway. Donghyuck let’s go of Mark before his mom tackles him into a hug. 

He can hear Mark walk away with strong footsteps and sees him walk up to his father. Donghyuck watches this from the crook of his mother’s neck; he watches Mark shake his dad’s hand and tells him the flowers are for his mother. He sees him ask his dad how his day was and sees his father ask Mark how the drive went. 

Once his mom lets him go, she cups his face with both hands while making eye contact with him. Her thumbs sweep across his face, under his eyes as she makes a comment about how he is sleeping better because he doesn’t look like a fucking zombie. 

Donghyuck smiles at her words then turns her around to meet Mark. 

“Hi Mrs. Lee, it’s so nice to meet you. These are for you.” Mark speaks confidently with the same charm Donghyuck fell in love with all those months ago and God if you could fall in love twice, Donghyuck would be doing it right now. 

“Oh _thank you,_ these are so beautiful.” His mother coos and pats Mark’s cheek before pinching it, and like any good guy, he lets her. 

“God maybe I’ll take you as my son since clearly you know how to treat a mother.” “ _Mom!_ ”

Mark and Donghyuck’s father help carry their bags into the house. They start up the small set of stairs that lead them up to their front porch and Donghyuck holds his mother’s elbow in his own as they follow behind the other two men. 

She pulls him back before they can make it inside. Donghyuck can see his dad show Mark to his bedroom (the guest bedroom, but we all know where Mark was going to end up that night) and they set their bags at the corner of the room. His dad throws an arm around Mark’s neck as he brings his boyfriend (God, his _boyfriend_ ) further into the house to show him around the space of Donghyuck’s childhood home. 

Donghyuck and his mom continue to lean against the door frame and watch Donghyuck’s father try to bully Mark just as much as Donghyuck did when he first met him. He watches Mark take it in stride and thinks about how he never really doubted Mark once. 

“I like him.” His mom says with a smirk on her face. She goes and wraps an arm around Donghyuck’s waist and he doesn’t even flinch once at the touch. 

He relaxes in her hold instantaneously. He thinks about how normal it is to see Mark in his home and how he never really wants him to leave. 

“Yeah, I do too.” 

Donghyuck enters the house in his mother’s arms and watches Mark look back, smiling at him like he always has and always will. Donghyuck smiles back before turning around on his toes after kicking his shoes off so he could shut the front door. And it closes with a soft, content click. 

They eat dinner sitting on the bar stools that surround the kitchen counter. They talk about Mark and his family, wanting to learn as much as possible about North America as they can. Donghyuck offers Mark a beer before they go out into the backyard where his father had made a fire to sit around. But he only takes it after helping his mom finish cleaning the dishes. 

Mark talks to his parents about his plans for senior year and Donghyuck’s mom is already promising to go see him graduate that spring. Donghyuck lets himself hold Mark’s hand in front of his parents and not feel bad about it for even a second. 

Donghyuck takes the first shower that night, but he can hear the bathroom door open (that he didn’t lock, huh). He closes his eyes as he continues to shampoo his hair and pretends to not hear Mark knock into the bathroom sink before tumbling into the shower with him. 

He kisses Mark under the water slowly, letting himself smile against his lips and feel content in the warm water. They don’t stay in the bathroom for too long, but Donghyuck feels cleaner than he has in years. 

Donghyuck wishes both his parents a good night’s rest with Mark by his side. His mom hits him on the back of his head and tells him that he can not fuck his boyfriend under their roof to which both Donghyuck and his father blushed at as Mark just giggles. 

It doesn’t take Mark a long to fall asleep next to Donghyuck, but the younger can’t help but toss and turn next to him. He can’t seem to get comfortable and it frustrates him to no end that he still has days where he can’t get over the body next to him. 

He can hear Mark mumble under his breath when Donghyuck finally decides to get up to take some sleeping pills. He kisses Mark’s cheek before leaving his room, closing the door behind him as quietly as he can. 

When he enters the already lit kitchen area, Donghyuck sees his father sitting at the dining room table and it reminds Donghyuck of Jeno for a moment. 

He walks over with his glass of water and pills then sits down next to his father in the chair closest to him. Donghyuck swallows the pills down before speaking, but the words get caught in his throat when he sees his father wipe a few stray tears from his eyes. 

He can’t remember the last time he has seen his dad cry. 

“Dad?” Donghyuck asks tentatively and his father just waves a hand before laughing a little. It reminds Donghyuck of himself, but also his mom too. It reminds him of family. 

“I’m… okay, what are you doing up?” His dad asks and it almost sounds pained, worrying Donghyuck more than it should. 

“Can’t close my eyes.” Donghyuck responds vaguely, but he can see the change in his father’s eyes as he figures out what Donghyuck means by that statement. 

“I can’t believe I had to get that call again, you know?”

Donghyuck swallows roughly, he takes his glass of water in shaky hands and sips at it. He doesn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be a parent and to get a call from your child about them being assaulted, let alone twice. 

This is the first time Donghyuck has been home since telling them about Taehyeong. 

“I’m sorry dad.” Donghyuck whimpers, he doesn’t like to believe it often but it is hard to not believe that he hasn’t brought shame to their family for being so weak of character that they were taken for granted twice. 

No one ever talks about the second assault. It’s always stories about one awful event and all the good things that come after, but never about it happening again. Falling for the same trick, being defeated at a game you aren’t even trying to play.

Donghyuck looks up at his father and sees his jaw set tight.

“Never apologize for what you have gone through. I have never been more proud of you.” His father’s voice is loud compared to the silence, but land soft on Donghyuck’s ears. 

Donghyuck gets out of his chair and does something he hasn’t done in a long time, and curls into his father’s embrace. Letting him comfort Donghyuck like he did when he was child, crawling into his bed to get a hug from him every Saturday morning, before the sun even rose. 

“I really like Mark kiddo, I really do.” He says as he holds his son in his arms. Donghyuck nods his head quickly, agreeing with his dad: _I do too, I love him so much._

“And he loves you too, he told me.” He can hear the smile in his dad’s voice. Donghyuck can’t help, but smile as well, thinking about Mark not stammering, but confidently telling his dad how much he loves him. 

_Mark isn’t ashamed of me, it’s just Mark._

Donghyuck could cry right now, but he decides to hold it back. That his tears will be saved for a better day, a better moment, even though Donghyuck can’t imagine one being better than the one he is having right now. 

“You remember when you asked me if I was okay?” Donghyuck mumbles into his dad’s shoulder. He can feel the older man nod in response. 

“I think I am now, I think… I think I’m okay now.” _I have to be._

And if Mark stumbled out of bed to go find Donghyuck after being awoken due to the cold side of the bed, if he stood in the corner of the house and saw his boyfriend with his father curled up together on the couch hours later with Bob Ross playing quietly on the TV.

If Mark saw that then well, he doesn’t say anything simply because there is no need too. Not all things are demanded to be seen, some secrets are better left in the dawn of the morning with the birds as their only witness. And sometimes sleeping separately is good enough too. 

However, Mark would take Donghyuck’s freezing feet over the cold cotton sheets any day, but no one needs to know that either.

  


  


_“I wish I head you shout,_  
_I would’ve rushed down at the slightest sound._  
_If you’re on the water, water, water, water, water— beware._  
_If you’re on the water, water, water, water, water— take care.”_  
_—If You’re On The Water; The Saxophones_

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy fuck y’all we have made it to the end. i never thought i would ever see the day of me finishing a multi-chapter fic and yet here we are. none of this would have been possible without my beta— karina, so this one is for her. i will forever be grateful for the conversations we had about this story and how close we have become because of it. love you so so so much <3 
> 
> thank you once again to everyone who took time out of their day to read this story. i never thought so many people would read it due to the upsetting nature that surrounds it, but i’m so thankful that this story has touched so many readers. i am so fucking grateful for each and everyone of you. 
> 
> if you liked what you read, please subscribe to my AO3 account! but other than that, this is the end. thank you once more and as always, until next time~~ 
> 
> _“It passes, but it does not pass away.” —László Krasznahorkai; The Melancholy of Resistance_
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


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